(Closed) *Trigger Warning* Assaulted, may have STD how to tell new husband

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 61
Member
19 posts
Newbee

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please seek some help. You shouldn’t be doing this alone. Hugs.

Post # 63
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I am so sorry this happened to you. And please do not blame yourself, you, your clothes nor your state of being should not be a reason why this happened. This happened because that man is a sick human being. Please confide in your husband, he promised to be there for you and I am sure he will be. Please go get yourself tested as well as your husband (after your talk with your husband). Please talk to the police and seek counseling from local rape center. Finally, take a good care of yourself. Again, I am so sorry this happened to you but you reaching out this way is the first step you have taken to win against that monster. 

Post # 64
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

MrsKing212:  I am still failing to see how you are making a connection between the drinking and the rape. The OP should not have been drinking with a concussion nor should drinking be used as “escapism” that is generally the sign of an unhealthy relationship with alchohol. HOWEVER DRINKING HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HER BEING RAPED, if you are implying that her being intoxicated resulted in her rape, I think you are being a bit harsh.

Post # 65
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Syzygy88:  I am not implying the OP should “time travel” I am trying to help the OP by suggesting that she get help for her relationship with alcohol if it’s necessary, only she would know that.

The OP seems unwilling to tell her husband what happened, that is her choice and I respect it. However, the type of STD she may have contracted will influence how possible it is for her to keep her secret. Do I think it’s a good idea for her not to tell, without knowing the OP personally, I can’t venture a guess.

If the OP is fired from her job for being drunk at work, or winds up hurting herself due to being intoxicated, that will make her life harder not easier.

No one deserves to be assaulted and what I expect the OP needs now is for the BEE to concentrate on her. Perhaps cross conversation regarding individual posts would be better left for private messages so we don’t hijack the original thread.

OP, I’m sorry that you are going through this, I there is anything we can do to help, please let us know.

 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by  jily.
Post # 66
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

jily:  As someone with a drinking problem, I can tell you that there is a big difference between using alcohol to cope and alcohol dependency. One can lead to the other, but OP has an emotional problem that is causing her to drink. She needs help from others and, unless she was prone to alcoholism before, she will probably be okay. The focus on the drinking is not that helpful, especially as OP says she is drinking less now. Feel free to PM me additional comments, if necessary.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by  Syzygy88.
  • This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by  Syzygy88.
Post # 67
Member
1430 posts
Bumble bee

Just wanted to say how sorry I am this happened to you. I think you got a lot of good advise here so I don’t have anything to add, just know this wasn’t your fault and I really hope you get all the support and healing you need. 

Post # 68
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Syzygy88:  She was drinkiing with a concussion….that isn’t normal…when you are behaving contrary to doctor’s order that is trying to SAVE your life, that is a problem. That is is also using alcohol as a coping mechanism is also problematic and drinking at WORK is a BIG problem…

If you feel that her actions are totally appropriate, we can agree to disagree. I’d prefer not hijack the thread discussing this any further. Please don’t message me. Thanks!

Post # 68
Member
722 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Backyard

Which STD is it? First off, you absolutely need to go see a doctor, tell them what happened, and get tested for any and all Save-The-Date Cards (testing now, and probably again in 6 months – it’s likely that he gets around and does this to other women). Second, you need to tell your husband. He will support you. He will get over the fact that you didn’t tell him right away – you were in shock, couldn’t believe what happened, wanted to forget about it because you didn’t want it to ruin what should be the happiest time of your life. You also need to go to HR, and press criminal charges against this rapist. 

You are absolutely not at fault here. Drinking, concussion, or not, this man RAPED you. Nothing you do, especially while unconscious, ever gives someone the right to rape you. I am so so sorry this happened to you – you have been with your husband for seven years, he will support you in dealing with this, you have to trust him! Please, please please take care of yourself honey!

Post # 69
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Okay, deep breath. Innnnn and ouuuuuuttt.

This should not have happened to you. This violation is not your fault. Nothing about blame matters right now, though. We need to take care of you.

Throw away any alcohol right now. Go to a private place and call someone you love that can drive you to a doctor. Just sit down, don’t think beyond picking your mom, best friend, hubby, sister, or anyone you feel comfortable with in your phone contacts list and hit dial. When they answer, it doesn’t matter if you can’t speak or squeak something out, but make sure they know somehow that you are not alright and that you need them to come get you. Break down into tears if that’s how you’re feeling. Say “family emergency” and “please, come.” Let someone at work know that you have a family emergency and have to leave immediately; no one should ask questions, and if they do, decent human beings will understand that a person in distress doesn’t always have time to be tactful if you just up and leave.

If you’ve been drinking, please do not drive. If you can’t talk to a loved one, call a cab to come and get you and take you to your doctor’s office. Write down the address and give it to whomever if you can’t speak. If your doctor can’t see you, but sees that you’re in distress they will help you find someone that can–no questions asked as to what’s wrong. I would guess they’ll make time for you. I would have a loved one call to make my appointment for me if I was too frozen, or if you can, call on your way for the best chances at getting this healing process jump-started. But go today. Just do it. It doesn’t matter if every person and their mother see how much pain you’re in–no one needs details to feel empathy because most people have broken down in front of others when life gets all messed up.

But your life will get untangled, and much, much faster if you ask for the support you need. Write down for the doctor that you were raped and the date and that you need help. They will know what to do. The doctor might ask about contacting authorities, but no one is going to push that decision on you, and it is a decision that can be made once you have yourself in a more stable state.

Keep telling yourself that “everything will be okay,” because it will be if you work for it in even the simplest ways. Someone else screwed up your life and it is not fair that it happened or that it is left to you to hurt and clean up such a horrid mess that that person made, but do it anyways for yourself. Do it for all of the people that don’t want to see you unravel into a pit of despair over what some insignificant person did to you. He raped you, but you don’t have to let him rape you every day for the rest of your life. You don’t want to let him put a DUI on your record. You don’t want to accidentally hurt or kill someone else that is innocent because you have to drink to cope (there are other options). You don’t want to lose your family by losing yourself to drink. This “man” you work with is not worth it, but you are worth everything, especially to your parents, siblings, friends, and definitely your husband and puppy.

You have everything to get healthy for. If your husband was worth marrying, which he sounds like he was, he will understand. Men, especially educated, compassionate ones, are not oblivious to the general process rape victims go through–people know that sometimes it takes weeks, months, or years for some people to open-up about their violation. He is worried. He knows something has been bothering you. Let him help. He will probably feel more upset with himself for not making you feel like you could come to him with anything. He loves you. Let him love you. Love him back.

You are the important one right now. We can deal with diseases and the deadbeat later on, but right now, you are not okay. I would come and take you by the hand and help you through the whole process if I could because it sucks, but you are not alone. Men and women are raped more than we care to think about, and each story is excruciating, but you can pick yourself up from this–we just need to do it properly. Blame doesn’t matter right now. All that matters is that you feel violated and are struggling with that, very understandably. Get to a primary care doctor, let them know that you were sexually assaulted and they will get you set up with STD testing and a psych referral (ask for it if they don’t seem to be heading that direction, even if it is just writing it down–they understand).

One foot in front of the other, but you need to get to a doctor or open up to a loved one today so that you can stop punishing yourself for something that you didn’t do. Don’t let the predator win. Let love for yourself and those that love you and want the best for you to guide you back to who YOU choose to be.

 

Post # 70
Member
9130 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Please confide in your husband, sweetie!  He promised to be there for better or for worse, and he loves you, and I guarantee he would want to know everything.  You can’t do this on your own.  Talk to him!  And I agree with the others – while I totally understand not wanting to go to the police (I have been sexually assaulted too), if you can bring yourself to do it, you could be saving others from similar situations.  HUGS.

Post # 72
Member
46 posts
Newbee

Please do not try to sweep this under the rug.  You need to get help, asap.  Not just for your physical well-being, but your mental state as well.  You already stated that you deal with alcoholism, depression, eating disorder, & GAD, holding this in cannot make it better.  You may not be able to fully process what has happened (aka taking partial blame in the occurance) because you are in a state of shock and or denial.  You did NOTHING wrong.  This needs to be reported asap so that not only what has happened to you may be recorded against him, but it may help keep him from harming others.    Telling your husband may seem hard to do because you don’t want to make your life ‘difficult’, but trust me this will save a ton of heartache and pain in the long road.  It is a lot easier to heal a wound when it is fresh than trying to reopen a wound that could never really heal after years and years of pain.  I am sure he will still love and support you (you would want to help him, wouldn’t you?), and telling him first may help you to go through all the channels needed because then he can help you and go with you so you are not alone.  He is your husband, he will love and support you no matter what.  He needs to know in order to help.  You need to tell him in order to help him be healthy and help support you.   You need to report this and stay away from the abusive person that did this to you.  Please tell somebody what happened to you so that your attacker will not be able to hurt you or others again.  

Post # 72
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Annnnnon:  

 

Honey, if you’re afraid of telling your husband you were raped, fearing he’ll leave you, that’s not the type of man you want as your husband at all. 

Post # 73
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee

jily:  as a person who has been the victim of rape and who has used alcohol and drugs to cope with that rape for around a year after it happened, it is totally different than an alcohol dependency. Yes, it probably can led to an alcohol problem if it continues without help.

While I didn’t drink and go to classes, I did get high and go to class. A lot. I’m not sure if your past and what you have been through and sometimes ppl cope in different ways. But if you haven’t been raped or gone through a huge traumatic event and coped with this traumatic event in a similar way (using alcohol) it can probably be harder for you to understand that it can be different than being an actual alcoholic. 

Post # 74
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee

I am sorry you are going through this. I wish you felt you were in a position to talk about what happened to you with your husband at the time and even family and friends- your support system! Unfortunately, so many of the comments in this thread exemplify exactly the kind of messaging we’ve all received our entire life regarding rape. We internalize it. And once something terribly violating happens to us, we believe these voices in our head- maybe it was our fault, maybe I should keep the image of me pristine for my husband, blah blah blah.

This moment is very important for you and your husband. It sounds like you have had a long, wonderful partnership. He may be hurt because you didn’t feel you could confide in him, but truly, he will come around and hopefully be the supportive partner you need. 

I echo other bees that say that you may have to switch jobs for your sanity. It’s okay not to press charges or to discuss what happened with HR or other authority figures at work. This is your right. You can deal with the aftermath in the ways that you can. 

Best of luck. <3

Post # 75
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

diymomma:  I appreciate your thoughts. However, the OP was drinking with a concussion. A concussion is a brain injury, I’m sure when she was diagnosed she was told drinking alcohol was VERY dangerous until her symptoms resolved. The fact that she drank against Drs advice and is now also using alcohol to cope May be indicative of an issue. But of course I’ve never met OP nor have any experience outside a vignette about her life. In my experience using alcohol to cope with a traumatic event can be a slippery slope and especially if you may already have an issue. 

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