Post # 1
Its been a while since I have last written anything. I need some advice and I don’t know where to begin.
I know this may sound silly but yesterday I was really triggered by the entire Jeannie Mai pregnancy news. For those of you who don’t know who she is, Jeannie Mai is one of the hosts of the talk show the Real. Back in 2017, she divorced her husband of 10 years because she did not want children and he did. After their divorce her ex went on to have a baby a year later with his girlfriend. Jeannie went on to marry rapper Jeezy and yesterday she announced her pregnancy. When asked about why she changed her mind on kids she said “”Falling in love with Jeezy, meeting someone who also didn’t feel safe in their life, we began to really create a place where our happiness spelled out what safe looked like around us. So, as soon as you feel safe, in a healthy relationship, all of a sudden you start having visions and dreams and for both of us at the same time, it would be becoming parents, having kids.”
I know this isn’t a gossip site lol. And why I am being triggered by a talk show host decision to have a baby? Seems silly right?
Well I feel like I am in her ex husbands position. I have been married to my husband now for 4 years. We are approaching the crossroads of me desperately wanting to have a baby and he keeps giving me reasons as to why he doesn’t want children. I have gained about 20 pounds since the beginning of the pandemic and he says that he is concerned about my health. I weigh 190 pounds and I’m 5’6”. My dress size is a US 12/14. I also have high blood pressure. Which I see is a valid concern, but he says that I need to lose 50 pounds and then “we can talk” about having baby. In the 10 years we have been together I have never been that weight. I also know plenty of women who are my size or bigger who have gone on to have healthy pregnancies and babies. He makes me feel like I am obese. I also suffer from anxiety and some depression which I take medication for and regularly see a therapist and psychiatrist. He is afraid that having a baby will make my mental health worse. Overall, I feel rejected and that he doesn’t see me as suitable to be a mother. It really hurts. I know there is work that I can do such as losing weight, etc but those just seem like excuses to me. Even if I do al of those things, I think he will just come up with another reason. His whole approach is just off putting to me. Like instead of saying “lose 50 pounds then we can talk” I wish he would offer to come with me to see a doctor. I feel like I have to prove my worthiness.
I have come to the conclusion that even if he does or does not want kids, the reality is that he doesn’t want kids with me. Seeing the Jeannie Mai news really hit me hard because its my worst nightmare. Just confirming what I already know and feel. I just feel overwhelmed and rejected.
This topic was modified 3 weeks, 4 days ago by .
Post # 2
You lost me at him telling you you need to lose weight, and specifically 50 lbs. Saying he’s worried for your health sounds like a cop out, and maybe this triggers you because you know your current relationship isn’t right. Using a baby you desperately want as a carrot to get what he wants from you is horrible.
Post # 3
I’m so sorry this is hard. But I think you know that your husband is unkind and not fit to be a part of your life.
Post # 4
Honey, I get the distinct sense from all that you have said that your marriage is not going very well. And I seriously question whether this is the man who should be the father of your children.
If my suspicions are correct, I would not even think about having a baby right now if I were you. I would be evaluating whether my current marriage is going to be sustainable in the long term.
Good luck Bee.
Post # 5
I think you have a husband problem, and you’d be feeling this way regardless of whatever babies Jeannie Mai does or doesn’t decide to have. Your husband’s behavior is gross. “Lose 50 pounds and then we’ll talk?” What an absolutely disgusting thing to say to someone you love. If he was actually concerned about your health, he’d DO something about it WITH you, together as a team. He’d go with you to see your doctor, or start an exercise plan with you, or learn how to cook some healthier meals for both of you to enjoy. The fact that he just sets you the task of losing weight as if he’s the sole arbiter of whether or not you’re fit enough to be a mother is, again, disgusting.
(Also, as you said, plenty of women at all different weights and with all different health conditions go on to have safe pregnancies. Whether or not your body is ready for pregnancy is a conversation for your doctor, not for your husband to arbitrarily decide.)
Look at how he’s making you feel. Your husband is supposed to be your biggest supporter, not someone who makes you feel worthless. Setting aside the issue of babies entirely for a minute, I think you need to have a serious conversation with him about how you don’t agree with the way he speaks to you and treats you and your relationship.
Post # 6
@msuttman8: Honey, I get the distinct sense from all that you have said that your marriage is not going very well. And I seriously question whether this is the man who should be the father of your children.
Bee, please read this and then read it again. You have a major husband problem. Him saying you need to be a size you’ve never been in your life and “then we’ll talk” about having kids is so gross. I think you need to re-evaluate whether you’re with the right person, CERTAINLY before kids come into the equation. This doesn’t sound like a loving partner and certainly not one you could feel “safe” with.
Post # 7
he keeps giving me reasons as to why he doesn’t want children
I heartily agree with pps about your husbands behaviour, but at the end of the day, I think the above is more important. He’s trying to tell you he doesn’t want children and you dont seem to be taking that seriously. Maybe it’s because he doesnt want them with you, maybe he just doesnt want them at all. But his cruel excuses are likely just that, excuses.
Post # 8
Fifty lbs? Nah. You need to lose about 200. Please don’t create another human being with this person. He sounds awful.
Post # 9
It is not what you want to hear but your DH does not want children. Supportive Partners do not talk down their spouse. Telling you to loose weight is not only a cruel excuse but a downright LIE. Even if you lost 100 pounds he would find another excuse. Appartment is too small, no savings, health insurance etc.
When I read that Jeannie Mai ws pregnant I was super surprised. I do not follow this person but had read that her and her 1st DH broke up because she did not want children. Of course that is her choice to make but this announcement screams LOOK AT ME ATTENTION ATTENTION!!!!!! SOCIAL MEDIA. No one cares……..
Post # 10
I’m so sorry you are going through this and not having a supportive partner who loves you for everything you are, no matter how you look, no matter how much you weigh is the problem. I agree that it’s a husband issue. I can understand that Jeannie Mai’s announcement triggered you because you want a child so badly, but I can honestly relate to Jeannie. I was once with someone that I did not want to have children with. He had all the excuses in the world and could never follow through on anything he said. I thought this meant I would never want children with anyone and even after we broke up, I still felt this way because he left such a negative image with me. But then I met my husband. He’s everything that I wanted and after we got married, I asked myself, “Why wouldn’t I want to have a baby with this person that I love and feel safe and happy with and want to spend my life with?” When you feel safe, loved, respected, appreciated, happy, and cared for, it makes all the doubts go away. It’s not the weight that will hold you back from having a baby and being a wonderful mother, it’s being with someone who can’t see you as you are who would be that wonderful mother to a little human being that will do it. You should really ask yourself if your husband is truly the right person for you and if you really want to have a baby with him. I can tell you from friends’ experiences that having a baby does not fix a bad marriage.
Post # 11
i am 5’8 and 180lbs and if my fiance used my weight to gaslight me about having a baby i would not be telling ppl about this because i wouldnt want to be questioned in the case of an “accident” and his demise lol 😉 i would feel overwhelmed and dejected too … this IS NOT YOUR FAULT. you have been clear and upfront about wanting a baby and now this person is being clear and cruel that they do not love you or care about your feelings or have any desire to have a child with you. i am so sorry you are going through this. i hope you find someone who doesnt take you for granted and wants the same things in life. best of luck to you!!!!
Post # 12
Given how everyone else here is replying I’m going to sound like an asshole but I feel this needs to be said. At 190lbs and 5’6″, according to the BMI calculators, you ARE obese. You suffer from medicated anxiety, depression and have developed high blood pressure. Getting pregnant would put a stress on ALL of those factors for your body. Have you told your doctors you’re hoping to conceive? I feel like they would agree that some weight loss would be a good thing- probably even just the pandemic 20.
Your husband sounds rightfully concerned about his wife’s health over that of a baby who will only add stresses to it. Preeclampsia is no minor thing. I’d be worried about the state of your health in your husband’s shoes. You owe it to your marriage to trust in him enough to try getting yourself a bit healthier before just assuming he’s a problem and throwing him away. He has some legitimate concerns.
Post # 13
- Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL
Oh hun, big hugs to you. A few years ago I was in a similar situation. My husband never really thought about children or having a family or any of that – and I felt as though he was constantly moving the goal posts when it came to being ready. We finally had a come to jesus moment where I literally told him that I will have a family/children one day and if he wants to be the father great, but if he doesn’t then it’s best to go our separate ways. It was the most difficult thing that we’ve ever gone through. We are now on the same page, and have been trying to conceive for over a year, seeing a fertility specialist this week. I think now that he knows it isn’t easy for me to get pregnant, he feels some regret about dragging the process out for so long.
Absolutely I think you need to have a serious conversation with him. If you want to lose weight, do it for yourself and your health, but to me that’s a non-issue. I have high blood pressure and could stand to lose some weight too, but my doctors don’t seem very concerned as there are lots of pregnancy safe medications.
And ignore the BMI calculators, they’re outdated, inaccurate garbage.
Post # 14
If OPs husband were ‘legitimately concerned’ over his wife’s welfare, he would be working with her to improve her health – maybe offering to cook some healthy meals or suggesting that they take up a new sport together. Instead, he just orders her to lose 50lb before being willing to discuss starting a family.
As OP says “instead of saying “lose 50 pounds then we can talk” I wish he would offer to come with me to see a doctor. I feel like I have to prove my worthiness.” A loving husband doesn’t make his wife feel she has to prove her worthiness.
Post # 15
OP says: I weigh 190 pounds and I’m 5’6”. My dress size is a US 12/14. I also have high blood pressure. Which I see is a valid concern, but he says that I need to lose 50 pounds and then “we can talk” about having baby. In the 10 years we have been together I have never been that weight. I also know plenty of women who are my size or bigger who have gone on to have healthy pregnancies and babies. He makes me feel like I am obese.
A dress size 12/14 is the average size of the US woman. Given everything the OP has stated – that her husband makes her FEEL obese (forget the medical definition) and that he’s holding weight loss over her head in order to procreate is manipulative.
Can you imagine if a woman told her husband this same thing? “Lose 50 lbs. and then we’ll talk”? LOL. The double standard. I’m not saying that it’s not valid to be concerned about your partner’s health, but this guy sounds like an asshole. Using OP’s desire to have children to shame her into a weight she’s never been in her adult life is not ok.