(Closed) Trouble choosing bridesmaids (sorry it got so long!)

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: Who should I choose?
    F - 'deep' friend but not very girly, and kept in touch even less : (4 votes)
    16 %
    M (because R would be less upset) - girly, giggly, surfacy friend : (0 votes)
    R (because she lives closer than M) - another girly, giggly surfacy friend : (1 votes)
    4 %
    L - 2 years as a roommate made her feel like a sister, but she's an impoverished student : (5 votes)
    20 %
    T - newish friend who just makes me smile and who makes a huge effort to keep up : (5 votes)
    20 %
    None - look as unpopular as you are and only have 2bms even though J has 3gm : (10 votes)
    40 %
    Me! Your favorite WB friend! : (0 votes)
    Other : (0 votes)
  • Post # 4
    5263 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I honestly don’t know what to tell you, but you’re not alone. I have three BMs guaranteed – my best childhood friend, my best girlfriend, and my Future Sister-In-Law – but R is planning on four Groomsmen and so I feel like I should pick a fourth. I have one friend who I was close to in high school but have drifted from, or my first roommate who I like as a person but have had some serious issues living with. Both have plusses and minuses, neither expect to be asked. 

    So, this was less of a productive post and more of a commiserative one. I think L or F would be best for you, but it’s hard to know. 

    Post # 6
    5263 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I’m glad you posted this tonight… I’ve been worrying about my situation all night and it helps to hear someone else is going through the same thing! Have you tried just talking to any of them to see what they’re thinking? Not even mention the bridesmaid thing, just catch up and see how it goes? I know it’s probably hard internationally, but do you ever Skype or anything? My childhood best friend and I basically lived on Skype when she spent 6 months in Ireland.

    Post # 7
    7779 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    Honestly, I say go lopsided. I’ve got 2 girls (my 2 long-time best friends) and Fiance has 1 guy (his brother). My mother keeps fighting me on it, but I don’t care enough to try and even it up. Fiance said that if she doesn’t quiet down, he’ll ask my brother and be done with it. lol

    I voted for L, she seems the logical choice since you guys seen to have a pretty enduring friendship.

    However, I wouldn’t discount F. My Maid/Matron of Honor is the ultimate tomboy. She lives in baggy shirts and torn jeans and works as a mechanic. I’ve seen her in a dress only a handful of times in the 8 or so years we’ve been friends. However, when I asked her to be in the wedding, she readily agreed and was really excited. She went dress shopping, she is excited about getting her hair and makeup and nails done. I was pretty surprised. She may surprise you in the same way.

    Post # 9
    88 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: April 2010

    Sheesh… I am in the same boat.

    My sister is my Maid/Matron of Honor, my Boyfriend or Best Friend is my 1st Bridesmaid or Best Man then there are the three girls who I have been really good friends with since 1st grade.  I have only been in touch with one of them throught recent years, the other 2 we talk about once or twice a month.  I asked hte one I am super close with to be my Bridesmaid or Best Man and the other 2 threw a fit.  So instead of having 3 I have 5.  I am happy now in the end, but I hated all the drama in between. I hope you figure out what to do.  Wish I could help more than just voting. πŸ™‚

    Post # 11
    6597 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2010

    I voted L! Reason being my GFs all live in random places but when we get back together it is like I see them everyday and that means a lot to me and that is what it seems like you have with L. The only reason you didn’t want to choose her was for financial reasons. I am a student and I would be really hurt if someone decided for me whether I would be able to be their BMs because of MY financial situation. So I vote ask her and let her decide!

    If you don’t feel comfortable asking any of these girls – can you go with uneven sides?

    Post # 11
    745 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    Why do you have to choose? stick to what you have.  We have an uneven bridal party (he has 7 I have 5) because I didn’t want to have to go through the politics of choosing people and hurting others.  All or nothing.

    stick to you bff and the cousin.

    I personally think that if you have to really think about who to have, then you shouldn’t have them in there.  It should be easy.

    I got to the point of choose 2 of my very close friends who I have had forever (i.e. my mom was in their parents’ weddings) and that’s when I said forget it, I’m not choosing one over the other, so neither of them.  I didn’t want one being all “you choose her over me” even though the other wouldn’t care either way as long as I was happy.

    Post # 12
    3526 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    I’m the same as you. Don’t really have much girlfriends. But for me I just can’t deal with most girls. Hahah. We’re mostly too high maintenance.

    Anyway, from your choices. I would actually pick:

    T: Another friend from college; we hung around in the same group but never hung out one-on-one, but since graduation (and moving here) she’s been one of the most consistently good at keeping in touch, emailing, calling, etc. and I feel like our friendship has actually grown despite the distance, whereas other friendships have stayed the same or fallen away.

    Here’s why. It’s very easy for people to seem like good friends when you see them all the time.It’s no real effort. Let’s hang out, go to the movies, have dinner, etc. But when you’re not around a lot of people are “out of sight, out of mind”. So the fact that she is in the States and you’re in China yet she has still consistently kept in touch with you. Makes that extra effort. Tells me she values you as a friend. Keeps you in your thoughts. Etc. So if it were me I would pick her.

    Do you ever see T  when you go back to the states though?

    When it came to me I made choices based on who I am close to now and feel like I will still be close to in ten years etc.

    GL! I know it’s hard.

    P.S. And I have to agree having uneven numbers is perfectly fine as well!!

    Post # 13
    248 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    So my first instinct is to say none of them, if they aren’t obvious picks then don’t pick them.  I assume your cousins were obvious?  I don’t think even numbers are important.  But then I read more about your relationship with F, and I kinda think you should ask her with a clear option to skip it if she’s not into the bridesmaid thing, make it clear you’re totally fine with that.  My question is, she helped you with your bad relationship, has she (or anyone else) been particularly close to you in your relationship with your FI?  Like, introduced you, or listened after the first date, or helped with a problem?  That might be one way to decide. Or think if there is one you want to really up your relationship with.  I would skip R and M since it doesn’t seem like you want to be closer than you are, and with luck the planning process will have that effect. 

    I’m lucky enough to have two sisters, and a best friend who has persistently stuck around as I let other friendships fall to the wayside when I struggled through depression.  I stood up for her last year.  The three of them have put up with so much from me over the years that I am looking forward to buying some serious bridesmaid presents! 

    Let us know what you decide!

    Post # 14
    1385 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I think you should go with T because she really makes an effort and it seems that you really appreciate that about her. I think it would also make her happy to know that not only do you converse on a consistent basis- but you actually like her enough to ask her to be a bridesmaid. :o) Just my two cents.

    I agree with what @Gerbera said 100%

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