- 6 years ago
So, I’m actually quite new to the world of forums, always been a little scared to post to them. I guess I should start by saying a little about myself; I was recently made the MoH for my best friend of 15+ years, a friend who I lived with while we were in college. We have described our relationship as akin to sisters. I also must say that I am not someone who has ever been interested in weddings, never have thought about planning my own, and actually have only attended two, just as a guest.
Now, when I say recently, I mean she literally got engaged a month ago. She asked me two to three days after the engagement to be the MoH and I obviously agreed. In fact, I was excited about it. She wanted me to guess her theme, and I said it should be a vintage theme, because that is so her, and low and behold, that was the theme she wanted. We have always been pretty in sync with knowing what each other wants. My one concern, and I voiced this to her immediately, was that I was in the planning mode on a huge move to another country. I told her I would do what ever it took-I was going to be at her wedding and help her in what ever way I could.
Okay, now to the troubling stuff. A week ago, I had myself and the other two BMs meet up at our bride’s house so we could all chat. I am friends with one of the bridesmaids and only know the other one from our time in middle and high school. Things went swimmingly; we hashed out some things, made appointments for dress shopping, discussed the budget (small budget, bride and groom paying for everything), etc.
The next day, she kept sending me text messages with dress links, and emailed me with more links that one of the Bridesmaid or Best Man had sent her. I admit, at this point I was starting to get concerned that we were entering dress mania-land. I didn’t really respond to her messages with anything thoughtful, as I was at work, but I did tell her I’d look into it.
So then, (this is where shit starts to hit the fan), she tells me that she is thinking of changing the theme colors and so the dresses will be all one color. Oh yea, we had planned that I’d wear one color and the other girls wear another. She turns around and says that she wants us all in purple (my favorite color). So I called her, because I really just wanted to clarify what was going on, and why she was thinking this, (I found out today that the Bridesmaid or Best Man I’m not close with, will call her BM#2, complained about the color she had to wear). I am trying to think back to this time last week and find out if I sounded too un-supportive or whiny, I really can’t tell you, so for this sake, I’ll just say I was a little disappointed.
I also found out today that she told our friend (BM #1) that I was so negative about it and that the idea of wearing my own color was mine, which was not my idea, it was a suggestion I threw at her, and she said she liked it. Could she have been trying to be nice, sure, I guess that’s true too.
So more texts came from her, all about the wedding. I tried to talk a little about my stress with this move I’m planning, and I also told her I was already a little stress out with how vigorous she was planning the wedding when it was 10 months away. My exact words was I was starting to get confused with her changes and a little overwhelmed with the info. I have always been nothing if not honest with my friends.
This is not the main problem, and I’m sorry to have bored you with all these semantics. The main problem is that she texted me today to talk about BM#1 and how she is worried that BM#1 is going to be too busy to dedicate herself to the wedding. She also said she was tired of us having to drive her around to places when we all met up (which was once). BM#1 is in college still, pre-med, and works as a CNA on the weekend nights. She also doesn’t have a car and lives 100 miles away.
The bride asked for my thoughts on the matter, and I told her she needed to talk to BM#1 and voice her concerns, something I had been telling her from the start. The discussion then progressed into an argument, when I told her that just because BM#1 has been saying how she doesn’t know how she is going to fit all this into her personal schedule and she has said it multiple times, that wasn’t reason enough to boot her out of the wedding. Bride then tells me that technically she could “pink slip” me because I’ve complained and been negative. To which I pointed out to her that I’ve been with her all along. I brought her to my grandparent’s farm so she could have engagement photos taken (for a rustic look), I went vintage dress shopping with her and we had tons of fun that day. I’ve been reassuring her that even though it will be hard to find authentic 1930s dresses, we’ll fake it til we make it. I have told her that no matter where I was, I’d fly across the damn oceans to come to her wedding!
She has called me tonight and told me that she talked about it with her fiance, and she thinks it would best to make her brother the honor attendant (the same brother who I asked about his role in the wedding 3 times and she never really had an answer) and she still wanted me to be a bridesmaid, but this is what she wants and she doesn’t need that negativity surrounding her wedding. I. Was….. heart-broken, shocked, angry… She said that in her excitement, she didn’t think about her bridal party that well and that she thinks this will work best. I admit, I cried, a lot. She seems to be a stone wall (she is really good at keeping emotions in check and this can make her come off as unfeeling) on these decisions and my sadness and shock didn’t even phase her. She didn’t even acknowledge the passion and excitement I had continually showed. It was as if she didn’t remember the good things I was trying to do for her. She has always said we were like sisters, but this isn’t something sisters do, I know, because I have one and I could never imagine causing a hurt like this.
Yes, this is her wedding day. Perhaps I should have sat back and not questioned anything about the dresses. I did get concerned about BM#2’s mom doing our hair on the wedding day, because mainly I don’t think it’s fair to put her mother out when she isn’t a hair dresser and she may not be able to pull off vintage hair styles. But the point is. the bride said she wanted to know our thoughts on this stuff and now it’s turning out that she really doesn’t want it.I’m wracking my brain to see if I can remember if I broke a carnal rule of weddings! What happened!? ACK!
I hope this doesn’t come off as me bad-mouthing her. As angry and hurt as I am right now, I don’t want to make her look bad. I’ve tried to be as honest as I can be. You all don’t know me, so my word means nothing. I can tell you I am a brash, honest and opinionated person. I am passionate and sensitive as well. The bride has known this, we’ve been friends for a long time and lived together for 3 years. But I’m starting to wonder if she even knows me at all…
I guess I’m just looking for advice, support, common stories, really anything that can help ease this hurt.
And I sincerely hope you didn’t fall asleep before the end. I tend to talk a lot, sorry!
-Sad and Confused…