Post # 32
@SoNLoveWithHim: Ahhh, okay. Makes sense. Yeah, I see what you’re saying. But in your first marriage, did you guys really have a deep connection, or was it infatuation? Did you see any possible red flags and then just ignored them? Maybe talk to your Fiance. If you guys have a really deep connection, then you’ll have absolutely nothing to worry about. If you feel it’s true love, then you should be able to talk to him about anything, and you shouldn’t fear anything.
Post # 33
@SoNLoveWithHim: My story has similarities to yours. I won’t bore you with all my details. But I completely understand your fears.
I was surprised by a proposal of marriage May 2013. We had been a couple for 5 1/2 years by that time, but we have never lived together due to our situation with our teenage (and older) children.
I was in shock for at least a month after the proposal. I was happy, but I would get palpitations at the thought of being married.
It’s getting easier, as time goes along. We are getting married in December 2014. I don’t need counselling, I have had a lot of that in the past. I want to be married to him, I have wanted to for some time. I am very happy. But I am also very frightened.
I actually think that what you are feeling, and what I am feeling, is understandable and rational.
Post # 34
@slytherinvixen: I sure did see red flags, but I ignored them! On my wedding day my neck had his nail prints from where he would grab my neck and press really hard if I angered him. My granny told me that his behavior was physically abusive, but being so very young and in love. ..23yrs old…I associated physical abusive with black eyes and busted lips, etc. Fiance and I have so much in common! We even finish each other’s thoughts. He and I are deeply in love with each other, but I’m just terrified that after marriage one morning I might awaken to a stranger in my bed like I did in my first marriage. Im really looking forward to counseling so that I can get past this fear!!!
Post # 35
@BrightSide: Thank you for sharing this with me! It’s comforting to know that someone else has experienced what I’m going through! I’m wishing you much happiness with your December wedding!
Post # 36
@SoNLoveWithHim: Thank you. I hope you feel a bit easier about things over the next few months. I’m feeling less anxious as the months pass.
For me, it is a bit like what happened with my car (in a way…). A few years ago, my car was run into twice in the space of a few months. Neither time was my fault. Once was t-boned, once rear-ended. The rear-ending was pretty bad. I had a lot of pain-, that still continues. I had a lot of fear of other drivers afterwards. I felt terrified, going out in my little hatchback car. So terrified, that I sold it and bought something bigger, that makes me feel safer on the road. I don’t know if I am safer in it, and I hope I don’t have to find out. But I feel safer. Yes, I am still more afraid of other drivers. I am more wary on the road. I don’t have as much confidence. But I haven’t let it stop me from driviing.
I guess it’s a bit like that with your relationship. You have had a very painful experience in your past. You haven’t let it scare you so much that you won’t be involved with another man. And your relationship sounds as though it is going very well. But you have a fear of being hurt again. You got rid of your old husband. And you are willing to remarry the man you love. But it’s also rather daunting and frighteniing. You have a fear of him being someone different from the man you believe him to be. And of that being out of your control.
Having counselling is a very good idea. And taking time is a very good idea. Two years is a fairly lengthy engagement. Mine will have been 18 months, by the time we marry. I’m still really happy being engaged. We are enjoying making plans. He knows that I am frightened.
If you ever want to pm me, that’s okay with me.
I hope you start enjoying making some plans. Being engaged feels good for me, and I hope it does for you (even if the idea of being married is a bit scarey…).
Post # 37
@BrightSide: That’s an awesome example you gave!!!! I’m really loving being engaged, but when I think of the marriage part I feel an iimmense fear and this is where your car example really fits what im going through. Thanks for the pm offer!
Post # 38
Don’t let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game.
– Cheesy but I think it works very well in cases like this.
Post # 39
SoNLoveWithHim: That’s exactly what happened in my first marriage. He was Mr. Wonderful before marriage, and then his true self was revealed! In my first marriage, he and I only dated six months before becoming engaged, and only had a six-month engagement and a 2yr marriage.
So it looks like you only knew your first husband for a year before you got married? This isn’t a criticism by any means, I just wanted to point out that with such a short time, I’m not surprised you didn’t know the “real him” before you married. There’s a huge difference between getting engaged after 6 months to someone you were infatuated with vs. your current situation. I understand why you’re gun shy, though, and I think what your Fiance has suggested is wise.
Post # 40
@Hausfrau: I know it isn’t criticism and I appreciate your comment. You’re absolutely correct; I did see warning signs, but I was 23 yrs old with a 1.5 carat solitaire and engaged to a man 10 yrs my senior who was very financially stable and paying for my dream wedding. Those tangibles coupled with his illusive attributes made the warning signs pretty much a non factor. I’m much wiser now, and know that things dont determine the quality of a person’s character. Fiance is an amazing man. I know this hurt him a lot. Im just thankful that he suggested counseling to help me get past this.