(Closed) Trouble in my paradise!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
15 posts

@SoNLoveWithHim:  Ahhh, okay. Makes sense. Yeah, I see what you’re saying. But in your first marriage, did you guys really have a deep connection, or was it infatuation? Did you see any possible red flags and then just ignored them? Maybe talk to your Fiance. If you guys have a really deep connection, then you’ll have absolutely nothing to worry about. If you feel it’s true love, then you should be able to talk to him about anything, and you shouldn’t fear anything.

Post # 33
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

@SoNLoveWithHim:  My story has similarities to yours. I won’t bore you with all my details. But I completely understand your fears.

I was surprised by a proposal of marriage May 2013. We had been a couple for 5 1/2 years by that time, but we have never lived together due to our situation with our teenage (and older) children.

I was in shock for at least a month after the proposal. I was happy, but I would get palpitations at the thought of being married.

It’s getting easier, as time goes along. We are getting married in December 2014. I don’t need counselling, I have had a lot of that in the past. I want to be married to him, I have wanted to for some time. I am very happy. But I am also very frightened.

I actually think that what you are feeling, and what I am feeling, is understandable and rational.


Post # 36
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

@SoNLoveWithHim:  Thank you. I hope you feel a bit easier about things over the next few months. I’m feeling less anxious as the months pass.

For me, it is a bit like what happened with my car (in a way…). A few years ago, my car was run into twice in the space of a few months. Neither time was my fault. Once was t-boned, once rear-ended. The rear-ending was pretty bad. I had a lot of pain-, that still continues. I had a lot of fear of other drivers afterwards. I felt terrified, going out in my little hatchback car. So terrified, that I sold it and bought something bigger, that makes me feel safer on the road. I don’t know if I am safer in it, and I hope I don’t have to find out. But I feel safer. Yes, I am still more afraid of other drivers. I am more wary on the road. I don’t have as much confidence. But I haven’t let it stop me from driviing.

I guess it’s a bit like that with your relationship. You have had a very painful experience in your past. You haven’t let it scare you so much that you won’t be involved with another man. And your relationship sounds as though it is going very well. But you have a fear of being hurt again. You got rid of your old husband. And you are willing to remarry the man you love. But it’s also rather daunting and frighteniing. You have a fear of him being someone different from the man you believe him to be. And of that being out of your control.

Having counselling is a very good idea. And taking time is a very good idea. Two years is a fairly lengthy engagement. Mine will have been 18 months, by the time we marry. I’m still really happy being engaged. We are enjoying making plans. He knows that I am frightened.

If you ever want to pm me, that’s okay with me.

I hope you start enjoying making some plans. Being engaged feels good for me, and I hope it does for you (even if the idea of being married is a bit scarey…).


Post # 38
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Don’t let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game.

– Cheesy but I think it works very well in cases like this. 

Post # 39
537 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

SoNLoveWithHimThat’s exactly what happened in my first marriage.  He was Mr. Wonderful before marriage, and then his true self was revealed!  In my first marriage,  he and I only dated six months before becoming engaged,  and only had a six-month engagement and a 2yr marriage.

So it looks like you only knew your first husband for a year before you got married? This isn’t a criticism by any means, I just wanted to point out that with such a short time, I’m not surprised you didn’t know the “real him” before you married. There’s a huge difference between getting engaged after 6 months to someone you were infatuated with vs. your current situation. I understand why you’re gun shy, though, and I think what your Fiance has suggested is wise.

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