(Closed) Trouble in Paradise… DH crossed the line – now what??

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4161 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

ohh I’m sorry about that…It’s really hard to say, but if I were in your situation I would have asked my SO about it too, and if he lied I would have confronted him.  Perhaps there is nothing more than a friendship, but why does he need to lie about it?  Because he knows that you’re not cool with the friendship I guess?  I think you guys need to talk about it, and tell him that it doesn’t bother you that he has female friends (if this is true of course, if it’s not true don’t say that obviously!!!) but it bothers you that he feels that he has to lie about when he sees them, in particular Jane.  Not sure if that would work for you, but that’s how I would handle the situation…Good luck **hugs**

Post # 4
Member
2116 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m really sorry thats been going on. I don’t think I’m in any right to give you advice, so I wont but maye you two should really sit down and talk about this. It sounds like there are trust issues and lying in play and you don’t want that to spin out of control and ruin your marriage.

Post # 5
Member
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I remember this story, troubled.  I thought maybe last time you wrote you had a plan to confront Jane?  Or maybe just meet up with her to ease your worries about their friendship?  Did anything like that ever happen?

Post # 6
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

@Mrs. Spring: confronting jane would be the last thing i would do – Jane owes OP nothing unlike her husband

i do like the idea of meeting Jane and getting to know her – she could be a nice person but your husband lying about it is wrong in my book

i would be asking my husband how would he feel if i was meeting a man he didnt feel comfortable with, hugging this man, this man giving me gifts and then lying about meeting/talking to him?

i would also look into counselling as a third party is often helpful in reaching a common ground and helping eachother to see things/communicate differently

goodluck!

 

Post # 7
Member
1668 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I’m sorry you are going through this and I can relate on both sides.  I came across a couple of messages/texts in which I feel Fiance was flirting with another girl.  I confronted him about it.  Like you I don’t feel like anything was going on but it was a sore spot for me.  I laid it out on the line and told him how I felt.  Basically, I don’t care about compliments and little flirting here and there but at the end of the day you have a Fiance and thank them for their time, goodbye.  I asked him everything I needed ask him about that situation and moved on.  I promised not to bring it up again unless something new came up about it.  It’s hard but I haven’t brought it up again.  I say have a frank discussion about your feelings, what bothers you and get whatever questions about the situation answered so that you become comfortable.  If you decide to stay you must drop it unless you catch him again.  Thankfully that hasn’t happened for me.

Now on the other side, my Fiance cannot stand a former co-worker of mine that I talk to occassionally by text, FB or email.  Have I lied to my then-BF about talking to this co-worker?  Yes, I have.  Because it wasn’t worth the fight that would ensue not because anything was up.  NOTHING has ever nor ever will happen with this guy.  So I can relate to your Fiance not telling you about the glasses perhaps he was trying to avoid a fight.  Doesn’t make it right but I can understand that feeling.

My advice is cool down and talk. talk. talk.  Be honest about your feelings and clear the air.  If you feel in your gut nothing has happened then state that to him and ask for frank answers about why he felt the need to lie.

Post # 8
Member
23 posts
Newbee

Wow… for me the issue isn’t so much that he is or isn’t doing stuff with Jane; it’s that he’s lying to you about his contact with her. The deceptiveness is what I find concerning. And who knows if she is, in turn, lying to her husband about her contact with your husband. Trust your gut instinct. I think you did the right thing confronting him about it. Keeping it in silence to yourself wouldn’t serve any purpose other than to drive you nuts. How is she around you? Is she nice to you or does the way she treats you also rub you the wrong way?

Post # 9
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

IMO, you need to take a deep breath and RELAX! You seem extremely agitated and upset by his relationship with Jane! My Fiance used to have a friendship much like that one and it did bother the hell out of me. But I didn’t show it, because to get angry or posssessive or sneaky would show that I don’t trust him and I absolutely without a doubt trust him. If I were him, I would be upset that my wife was sneaking around on my phone and it would really really bother me. I don’t want to justify him lying to you, but he obviously knows exactly how you react when Jane is brought up in conversation and he was lying about to avoid a fight because he knows how you feel about her. I think, for you sanity and his, you need to leave this alone. You married him knowing that he is friends with her. Also, I don’t remember any previous posts so I am only going off of the info given here. I also think that it would be a good idea to sit down with Jane and have a talk with her. Maybe let her know that you think the relationship is borderline inappropriate, but don’t show her all your cards cuz if she really is a man-stealer she will be thrilled to know that she is getting to you.

Post # 10
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

You should never apologize or feel badly about bringing up issues that are effecting you. Marriage is about communication – you are communicating. He obviously is not. And THAT is not ok. Regardless of how much of a “non-issue” he thinks this is, he should respect you enough to not do something that he knows upsets you like that.

Post # 12
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Opposite sex friends can be tricky.  Personally, I do not like my SO having opposite sex friends that he hangs out with without me.  He has one that he’s had since middle school, and with her, I’m fine.  But all other women – no way!  There is a fabulous book I read on how to cheat proof marriages and getting rid of opposite sex friends was a big one!  

Anyway – back to the issue at hand.  Look through his phone records.  Just how often is he communicating with her?  Chances are you’re on the same phone plan and have access to the records.  Look at her number and see how often they are communicating.  

And his argument about how you wouldn’t have amrried him if you really thought he was cheaitng was bogus.  Women do much craizer things when they are in love.  

Don’t just take his word about it.  If the relationship has made you weird from the start (especially if you’re not normally a jealous person), there is a reason why.  Don’t lie to yourself.  Don’t try to trick yourself into denying it.  Just look honestly and investigate for yourself. 

 

Post # 16
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

@KendraJ: I believe in cheat-proofing a marriage through having a healthy relationship…not by cutting your spouse off from friends….

 

@troubled12341: I think you guys should work on communication/trust in so much that you can get to where you aren’t afraid to express yourself, whether that is something disagreeable or not. I have absolute trust in my husband, and am not afraid to tell him anything – even if it is a criticism. We do both work really hard at making sure we fully and calmly explain why we feel a negativity (whether it’s us reacting to what the other did because of our own baggage/issues or whether the other person was really in the wrong, etc) and always put a lot of effort into addressing issues before they build up. It’s a great system, and I love that I can go to him for everything, no matter what!

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