(Closed) Trouble in paradise…advice? (Long)

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Have you spoken to him about it? You never know,he might be feeling the same way but not sure how to express it,and so you both end up not talking about it and growing distant.

I think you should have a serious sit down discussion with him,start with “I feel…” and go from there.

Post # 4
Member
4275 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Is there anything positive about this guy? What made you fall in love with him in the first place?

Post # 6
Member
879 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think you need to sit down and have a really big heart to heart and maybe even seek counselling.

I watched my sisters marriage disintergrate recently because her partner cheated over 10 years ago.  At the time she found out and confronted him, and left it at that thinking she would get over it.  Fast Forward to now she has suddenly decided that she can’t get over it, still feels empty, can’t look at him, and she also can’t rememember the last time they were intimate.

If you think the relationship is worth saving, take the steps to do it now before its to late for you guys to do it later.

Post # 7
Member
4060 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I am so so sorry your feeling like this.  It’s not a nice place to be.  It reminds me a lot of one of my own experiences.

I wont go into huge detail but I will share some thoughts: I read somewhere that when the quirky habits you once thought were cute and endearing start to irritate you, it’s time to move on.  It’s an awful sweeping statement and I would never live by it, but does help pose some difficult questions.  Personally, it allowed me to really step back and look at the relationship with my highschool sweetheart of six years.

You use the word “empty” to describe your feelings.  If this is a permanent emotion, it’s time to move on.  But don’t expect butterflies, relationships grow and change; nothing is the same as getting to know someone new for the first time but once the “honeymoon” period wears off it should lead into another exciting, albeit different, stage of the relationship.

Leaving my ex was the hardest decision I ever had to make. Talking resulted in empty words, and nothing improved.  The biggest mistake I made was allowing it to continue once it was over.  It took me two years to realise I didn’t love him, and another year to leave him. I realise now that I was scared of being alone.

It could be that you’re in a little lull and things will improve.  But I’m a firm believer that you know when it’s over, it’s admitting it thats the hard part.

These are just my opinions, so I really hope my words don’t hurt you. I really hope you’re okay.  PM me if you want to talk.

Post # 8
Member
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

i think a lot of us have been in a situation where the emotions have just gone away for whatever reason and most of us either deal with the situation, ignore it or realize that it is time to move on.

it sounds like there is a big disconnect between you and your fi.  it will not get better by ignoring it.  you need to have some communication about this.  the longer you wait, the harder it will be to mend things because you will grow further apart.  keep in mind, there are 2 people in the relationship and both have to want to mend the distance/emptiness.  if you are not on the same page, it’s time to move on. 

Post # 10
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2013

This is my first time “offering advice” to someone I’ve never met before so if it’s way off base – feel free to ignore it!

As a bit of background, I’ve been with my Fiance for 7 years. We are 22 and 23, we’ve been together since high school and I’ve been in love with him since I was 14 years old. He’s my best friend and I love him with all my heart but sometimes we have our moments where I think “are we drifting apart after all this time?”… but the thing is – these things don’t ever just work themselves out. Some days will be easy and some days will need a LOT of work. What you need to ask yourself is if it’s worth fighting for and he needs to feel the same. 

Sometimes he gives me butterflies and sometimes he irritates the hell out of me for days on end – but you know what? I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I’m going to observe your situation as if it were happening to me and what I’d feel (so again, if I’m way off, feel free to ignore!). It seems like there’s a lack of communication between you two that’s eating away at you. When I start to feel distant from someone, it’s because something has happened between us that either hasn’t been talked about, or can’t be.

This situation with the girl he was flirting with seems like it has affected you – maybe you don’t know how to feel about it. It also seems like his denial has disappointed you because it’s such a childish way to handle things. Were you hoping he would admit to it and discuss it with you? Maybe this disappointment has taken root in you and your perception of him now is that he acts immaturely. As PPs have said, I think you need to talk to him about his interaction with this girl. It’s an obvious turning point in your feelings for him so it’s something you need to have an honest, open discussion about. 

You say that you don’t feel he is intimate towards you anymore? Do you think this may be as a result of your feelings towards him. If your current body language is to push him away, he might be unsure of what you want from him. When I’m having a stressful week(s), FI’s instinct was to always give me space – physically and emotionally because that’s what he thought I wanted/needed. He left it to me to initiate everything because he didn’t want to pressure me. He was being intuitive in his own way, but not the way I wanted him to be! To me it seemed like he didn’t want to be around me anymore and he was just trying to help. Maybe your Fiance is giving you space in his own way?

I don’t think spending time apart is going to help you any because what you need is to have an open discussion and to work this out together. He made an error of judgment, you need him to own up to that and to tell you/show you how he’s going to be better. You both need to learn from this and to grow from it, but it’s never going to happen one sidedly and it’s not going to happen through separation/distance. If you know in your heart that you really love him, you will see this as a test that you both need to overcome as a team. 

If you’ve made it to the end of this book I’ve just written (sorry!!) – I wish you the best of luck! I hope everything works out for you πŸ™‚ 

Post # 11
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Well we all know butterflies won’t always be a constant thing in a marriage. Its something you have to work on to keep ” alive” or the “spark” so to speak. So people who think the right guy will mean butterflies and unicorn dust forever, are disenchanted or may have watched to many Disney movies lol And also if you are struggling in your relationship, dating a new guy who treats you different or is just different in general will surely give you butterflies, so your normal.

My red flag is not in the butterfly issue , but the hugging other woman issue intimately. I’m sorry but that would send me spriirling downward even if I didn’t want to admit cause nobody wants to be “that girl”. Apparently its unacceptable to think its wrong that a partner flirts and makes moves on a girl…..but I digress.

Anyways, I think like others have said you need to have a big heart to heart!

Post # 12
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Since then I’ve felt differently towards him. Empty, almost. He doesn’t make me feel happy like he used to. He annoys me so fast, everything he does is so immature. I don’t have butterflies anymore


It is possible he’s picked up on all of that and that’s why he doesn’t try either. It takes two to tango. He can’t be the only one initiating a,b,c. If those are the feelings you have towards him its unlikely you are initating anything either. I get that you feel betrayed by his actions, who wouldn’t?, but you need to be honest and upfront about what’s going on in your head. Like another PP said butterflies are not forever-it takes work. 

Post # 13
Member
1576 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Think carefully before getting married to this guy. Now I am NOT telling you to cancel the wedding and move on! I am telling you to trust your instincts.

Post # 15
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think all the other ladies have given you great advice πŸ™‚ I just wanted to drop by and say that I hope your talk goes well tonight. Just remember, nothing is ever going to be resolved if you hold back your feelings. You cannot keep these feelings inside, because no matter what, you will begin to resent your Fiance. Just put it all out on the table tonight, and hopefully you two can build a foundation from there.

 

Good luck!!!

 

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