Trouble picking bridesmaids- Please help!

posted 1 week ago in Wedding Related
Post # 2
Member
10814 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

 

duplicate

Post # 3
Member
5050 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
@lizgburton:  Dont have your SILs if you aren’t close.  With your friends who don’t like each other, I’d just be upfront when asking them. 

I am asking you to be a bridesmaid because your friendship and support over the years has meant a lot to me. However in this situation, I  feel it’s best to let you know before you accept or decline that I will be asking (other friend) to stand up with me as well. I would really love it if you could both put your differences aside and be cordial to each other in the situation of the wedding and the events leading up to it but I do understand if this is an impossible ask of both of you considering the situation.  You both mean a lot to me equally and I’d truly love it if you could both stand up there and be right there with me during such an important day. I’m saying the same thing to  (other friend) and I dont need an answer from you right away and I’d expect that you’d want some time to think it over. You do mean a lot to me but I  can understand if this might be too much to ask of you both personally and l’m okay if you both decide to decline. If you do accept, I will expect a certain level of cordiality between you two. I dont expect you two to be friendly but I  expect you both  to at least be civil.

If you do it this way, you put the ball in their court and that way they get to decide. If they decide to get shitty with you because of this, at least you’ll have your answer and you can wave goodbye to unnecessary drama and unnecessary friendships. If they both decide to be bridesmaids and create drama for you, then you can basically say “you agreed to be cordial to eachother when you said yes to being a bridesmaid. You haven’t held to that and I’m questioning whether this situation is sustainable. I want my wedding day to be drama free and to enjoy it without worry. It’s obviously too much of an ask and maybe it’s best if you pull out and attend as a guest.” 

I’d expect drama though even if they agree to not create any at the beginning.  Best case scenario is that they both say “no” from the start. If they do both say “yes”, I’d just eliminate the idea of having a maid or matron of honor period especially if you are thinking of bestowing that title on one of them only. You will create extra drama because they’ll take that as one being more important to you than the other and if you pick one of your other friends to be Maid/Matron of Honor, you’ll create even more drama with each of them. Good luck.

 

 

Post # 5
Member
1037 posts
Bumble bee

So, here’s the thing: the only duty of a MoH or bridesmaid is to stand up with you at the wedding and wear an outfit you selected. That’s it. They aren’t required to help with planning or doing anything else. So, if you foresee there might be drama with having these 2 women stand up together, it might be worth considering whether it’s even worth having attendants/a bridal party, bc there is zero guarantee that either woman will lift a finger to help with the wedding (and the are within their rights not to).

Post # 6
Member
5050 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
@lizgburton:  A lot of people on here will tell you that your bridal party only really have to show up on the day and smile. I tend to agree with that philosophy but having been a bridesmaid and moh countless times for friends and family, I’m always happy to lend a hand and help with wedding activities. I’d personally just take the cue from the bridesmaids. You are always going to have a few in every group that are happy to help and volunteer in regards to wedding events and if they volunteer themselves to help you genuinely without you asking, I’d then ask them to help you do xyz. A Maid/Matron of Honor is generally the one that is traditionally designated the role of taking the lead in planning stuff like a Bach or a shower but in your situation I’d just avoid designating the role to anyone to avoid potential drama. I’d create a message group and pass on the details for all of them to eachother and let them sort stuff like a Bach amongst themselves. If it gets close to the day and you hear nothing regarding typical pre wedding events like a Bach party then you can ask the bridesmaid who is the  most excited about your wedding about it and hopefully they’ll step up and organize something. Most people know that being a bridesmaid means organizing events like a shower or Bach party.

If it’s any consolation, I myself didn’t do a Maid/Matron of Honor because I have two sisters and picking between them would have made me feel like shit because they are equal to me and designating one as a Maid/Matron of Honor would have felt like I was saying one was closer to me than the other to them and everyone attending my wedding – which is patently untrue. It all worked out fine and I’ve been in bridal parties also where nobody was assigned moh or best man and its been absolutely fine. 

Post # 7
Member
13924 posts
Honey Beekeeper

View original reply
@lizgburton:  I’m not sure why there are two threads. In any case, you can’t properly ask your bridesmaids or a Maid/Matron of Honor to help with anything more than minor assistance on the day of your wedding, for example bringing you something to eat or drink pre-ceremony, holding flowers, adjusting a train and negotiating the ladies room if needed come to mind. 

Planning your wedding, addressing invitations, setting up or cleaning up do not. Those kind of things are on you, the venue or a paid coordinator. Likewise, hosting pre-wedding events is voluntary and totally optional. It’s inappropriate to ask or assign.

Post # 8
Member
10814 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

View original reply
@lizgburton:  

Not sure why you are running two threads on this OP?

Anyway,  “I’m  concerned that without a Maid/Matron of Honor, having all these bridesmaids may cause a lot of stress and time in my plate. Can I ask each of the bridesmaids to help with different planning tasks instead of a MOH?” is a bit of an issue to my mind.

The stress and time planning your wedding,( however it is caused) is yours and your fi’s,  not anybody else’s , to deal with. Bridesmaids should not be assigned planning tasks as if they were paid  workers.  If they volunteer however – and at at least one friend  sounds like she might  – that is lovely. 

Post # 10
Member
2121 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2022 - Studio City , CA

View original reply
@lizgburton:  Planning a wedding is overwhelming and if your Bridesmaid or Best Man or Maid/Matron of Honor wants to help there is nothing wrong with that whatsoever.  

Post # 11
Member
301 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

View original reply
@lizgburton:  The thought that maybe a bridesmaid would step up to host or at least help with a shower or a bachelorette?  Totally understandable.   What I’m not understanding is the thought of having your Maid/Matron of Honor coordinate dresses, shoes, etc for the bridesmaids. You will have to inform the Maid/Matron of Honor about these things, no? And then she will have to disseminate the information to the bridesmaids, then bring that information back to you. This sounds way too complicated. Eliminate the middle man entirely. Send texts out to the entire bridal party regarding dresses, shoes, makeup/hair, and getting ready. It’s not the MOH’s job to plan all of that. 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors