Post # 1
Hello fellow Bees!
I’m having an issue with one of my bridesmaids, an issue I’m sure someone out there has experienced.
Three of my bridesmaids live 3+ hours away, two live locally, but one of those two is 11 so I’m not looking for help from her. My only bridesmaid that lives locally, I never see. I’m begining to feel like she is distancing herself from me. Our relationship has always been pretty rocky. We’ve had some heated arguments, mostly we atribute to having similar insecurities, etc.
Lately she’s been avoiding me by claiming she’s busy with work, but I’ve seen through FB that she’s had other friends over for wine night (a day in which we used to have our nightly get together). She is renowned for jumping from one friendship to another. I’ve helped her out quite a lot, having her crash on my couch for weeks at a time between apartments, helped move her three times in the last two years, and helped her out financially. I’m not looking for replayment of any of those things, but I would like to be assured that she’ll be there for me, emotionally and help with planning as my wedding date approaches this summer. Shes the closest one, and I feel like I need her more now than ever.
I’m afraid that by saying something, she’ll get pissed and we won’t speak for several weeks (as is what happens whenever we fight). But I really need her to be there for me as I have been there for her.
Does anyone have any words of wisdom? I’m afraid that by asking her to not be a bridesmaid will mean that she won’t attend the wedding itself. I’m starting to feel pretty stuck in a shitty situation.
Post # 3
@wleighton: At the end of the day, it’s YOUR wedding, and you really have to do what’s best for you. Go with your gut instinct, because you don’t want to regret your decision in the end. I’m also in the same boat with my fiance’s sister. I spoke with my future mother in law, and she let me know flat out, that I finally have to be selfish, and do what’s best for me. And you have to do the same, you can’t think about how she’d feel b/c she’s clearly not caring about how you feel. If this is the cycle of you guys’ relationship, maybe have a date night with just you two, and lay out your feelings and see how she receives them. From there, you’ll definitely know what to do.
Post # 4
What’s your ideal outcome? Having her be there for you, or having her step down from being a bridesmaid?
If it’s being there for you, can you define exactly what that would mean? Is it a couple of phone calls a week to check in on wedding planning? Is it coming over every weekend for a few hours to help on wedding stuff? I’m just saying that having specifics in mind will be very helpful.
I would suggest approaching the conversation and making it about you, not about her. “I am so overwhelmed by XYZ, and it would mean so much to me if you could help me. I am looking for help on ABC, is there any part of that you would be able to help with? Once June and July roll around, do you think we’d be able to plan on a girls’ evening once every other week to work on wedding stuff? Your input means so much to me.”
I’d leave out the stuff about how much you’ve helped her. As you said, you’re not looking for repayment.
If you’re looking for her to step down, I guess I’d be a little more forceful in the above conversation, and then I’d give her an out – “I totally understand if you aren’t able to commit to this kind of help and need to step down from the wedding.” That is pretty blunt though, and I’d only do it if I wanted her out.
That’s the consequence I guess of picking somewhat unreliable people for your wedding party – it puts you in an awkward position later of having to prod them.
I’ll just put this one other thing out there… how much support do you really need? I don’t live near any family or my bridesmaids. I will call/email and chit chat about the wedding from time to time, but honestly, other than getting the dress and showing up for the rehearsal and wedding, I don’t expect much from my bridesmaids. Anything else they do is above and beyond in my mind. It has not been very hard doing everything myself so far. So maybe recalibrate your expectations and where you’re looking for support, if you don’t want to kick her out but can’t get her on board with helping?
Post # 5
Thanks guys, this is all very helpful!
Right now, I guess I’m looking for assurance that she’s going to be there for me if/when things get tough or stressful. I suppose it’s unfair for me to assume that she wouldn’t, but considering the direction our friendship is going, I’m just concerned that I’m losing a friend.
I don’t want to ask her to step down from being a bridesmaid, but I also don’t want someone up with me who I haven’t spoken to in months. I think the issue is less about her helping with the wedding and more about losing a friend whom I’ve asked to play a large role in beginning this new chapter of my life.
Mutual friends of ours agree that she cycles through friends, so I’m not sure whether we’re just growing apart and this is inevitable, or if I should pursue the friendship. I suppose my only option is to talk with her about how I’m feeling. That is, if I can get myself on her calendar! 🙂