(Closed) Trouble with Hubby's Lack of Motivation

posted 6 years ago in College
Post # 3
1649 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@ScottishMrs:  Has he always been like this or is it a more recent development (I mean, has he told you he lacked motivation as a kid)? Has he seemed depressed or stressed out? Does he even like the program that he’s in? And what is he studying, if you don’t mind sharing?

I think that the two of you need to have a serious discussion about his motivation and education. He needs to know that his degree is going to be extremely important to you being able to stay home with future children and his lack of motivation could put that at risk (nothing wrong with kids going to daycare or having a babysitter, but if you don’t want that for your kids then you need to make that very clear).

Really listen to what he has to say. If it’s just a lack of motivation then find out why and come up with a plan to fix the issue or, at the least, to make it a bit better. If it’s something more serious, like depression, then he needs to seek professional help and have you support him as he tries to get better. When I was depressed in college, I skipped classes occasionally and had no motivation. I wound up failing one class and barely passed my 3 others. It’s possible that he is struggling with depression, but you won’t know until you talk with him.

And he shouldn’t be keeping his grades from you either. I get the idea of being ashamed of your grades, but he needs to own the fact that he earned those grades.

I wish you guys a lot of luck.

Post # 5
721 posts
Busy bee

@ScottishMrs:  Wait.  WHAT?  He stopped going to classes??  Didn’t turn in his final projects??  And there’s no depression issues or anything like that?  How have you not THROTTLED him by now?

You need to put the brakes on this laziness like yesterday.  Tell him up front it is not acceptable to keep failing and retaking courses, dragging out school and creating more of a financial burden on you both, because he refuses to even show up for class.    Having a meanie mo for a professor is no excuse and to be honest, I have some serious concerns about how he will function in the working world.  My concerns are doubled by your comment about being a Stay-At-Home Mom, with a man with serious motiviation issues as the sole bread winner.  Is he going to just stop going to work and not turn in assignments there too if it’s hard or if he has a mean boss?  

 Don’t get me wrong, Electric Engingeering is scary hard and if his grades just weren’t quite up to snuff I’d probably tell you to cut him some slack, but he’s not even trying.  Plus he’s hiding his grades from you, which is absolutely unacceptable.  I know you want to be a source of support for him, but this has got to stop or I see some very hard times ahead for y’all even if he manages to graduate.  

Talk to him and set expectations for him since he can’t seem to set them for himself.  He has to go to class.  He has to be honest about how he’s doing.  He has to do his work, even if he has to ask for help.  Get a tutor if y’all can afford it, get him in a study group and make him go.  I’m sorry you’re going through this and you shouldn’t have to micromanage his grades but if this has been going on for a long time it’s time for drastic measures. 


Post # 7
2105 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Apparently he kind of just stopped going to most of his classes part-way through the semester and didn’t do his final projects).”

Excuse me? It is one thing to fail a class because it is a difficult class. It is quite another to stop attending a class and fail to complete final projects. He has no right to criticize his teachers if he isn’t even showing up and turning in work. This isn’t just lack of motivation- this is acting like an irresponsible child. What is he doing when he is supposed to be in class? 

Are you sure the two of you have the same goals? People who are trying to succeed don’t skip class. 

Hiding grades from you just adds to the childishness. He sounds extremely conflict avoidant. Failing a class? Skip it. Difficult final? Don’t turn it in. Wife worried about marks? Withhold them.  He doesn’t like conflict and dislikes consequences, so he avoids them and puts himself in a worse place. 

If he wants to act like a child, you may have to start treating him like one. Make a calendar of every due date for projects and class times. Confirm that all work is submitted on time. Have his teachers email you when he misses a class. 

Post # 8
721 posts
Busy bee

@ScottishMrs:  I just don’t know if hoping he finally realizes how serious this is will be enough :(.  This has been going on for how long now?  I really think some more serious measures are in order like checking to make sure he goes to class and gets assignments turned in on time.  If he fails again that’s another semester of classes that y’all have to pay for and another 3-5 months of dragging out school instead of putting his shiny new degree to use.  



Post # 11
5177 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

I do not see why he is blaming his professors. He is NOT going to his classes. That to me seems like the bigger issue. That is on him. I for one am glad he has professors that fail him rather than pass him if he is not showing up, not handing in the work, and not showing knowledge of the material. Especially given he is choosing to go into a rather demanding field that requires skill and knowledge (and I have dated and know several engineers). Engineering is a difficult and competitive program, and it requires some self-motivation. 

You definitely should not need to micromanage him, and I know I would not be happy with a partner who needed babysitting or can’t take some initiative and just blames everyone around him for his failures. And if he wants to screw up his own education and career because he can’t deal with his issues with his mother or with being an adult, just ugh. 

I am not even going to touch the dishonesty. Not just about his marks, but clearly not letting you know he is not going to classes and so on. Not good.

This just does not sound like a man who is on the same page that you think he is with future goals, nor does he sound very personally motivated. Is this really what he wants to be doing? Or does he just want the end result without the work? Because the work and need to be motivated is not going to end once he is done (if he does). What about working toward his P.Eng? What about being professionally liable if he fails to do things he needs to be doing? Who is he going to blame then?

I admit I have no advice here, because it seems incredibly unbalanced to me to be in a position where you are having to make schedules for your adult partner, but I guess I would be talking with him to find out if he really IS interested in this career and pursuing this line of education, and if you really are on the same page about future goals because at this point, his actions are not showing it. 

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