- 6 years ago
- Wedding: August 2012
Yes, I’m hiding for this post 🙁 So I can’t be associated with it…
Okay, so, here is a little background story so you can understand what I am talking about:
My Fiance brother’s wife and my Future Sister-In-Law has a very jealous and competitive attitude about everything in life, but this streak has come out really badly since I started dating my now Fiance. She’s not just competitive with games or normal things, but with strange things.
When we first started dating, Future Sister-In-Law was not engaged and had been dating her now Darling Husband for probably 4 years. He’s very closed about how he feels and they’ve never acted very affectionate/loving toward each other. I first noticed her competitive nature when my Fiance and I would hold hands/just act like we were attracted to each other. She would watch me and mimic what i was doing to her boyfriend at the time, but he would usually wind up pulling his hand away and rejecting her (probably just because he wasn’t used to it.) I’m not really sure what those underlying issues are, but he might just not care for any PDA at all.
I digress. Future Sister-In-Law has always described herself as a more independent, career woman type who isn’t very crafty and doesn’t really cook or clean that much etc. Whenever I expressed my desire to get married and have a large family and to have children fairly soon after we get married (maybe 2ish years), she always scoffed at me and said she wouldn’t want to have children until she was around 30-35. I am basically the complete opposite; I cook, bake all the time and do crafty things like sewing etc.
So as time goes on, I start realizing just how competitive she is. It’s not usually in an outright malicious way, but in a sneaky way. It comes out really badly whenever our significant others’ family is around. For example, I’ve always gone to church since I was born, and my Fiance has been going with me almost every Sunday since we started dating (his choice), but my Future Sister-In-Law hasn’t gone in probably 10 years. (I’ve never been judgmental or anything, I don’t really mind whether shoes goes or not, but she just never has since I’ve known her). Once it came up when my FI’s parent’s were there, just because it happened to be a Sunday and we were coming home from church. She all of a sudden starts talking about how her and her boyfriend at the time (now DH) are going to start going, and he looks at her like she is crazy (she probably hasn’t even mentioned it to him) and is like “no, I’m not going.” Super awkward.
I would also always bake things to bring to the families’ houses, and all of a sudden she started making cupcakes out the wazoo. I have a passion for sewing for a while and have told her in the past I want to try to start some kind of business with it eventually, and all of a sudden one day she was like, I really want to learn how to sew because you know you can make money with that and stuff!” (Yes, I know, I told you my plans for that?) She’s also been talking about how she wants to have more children and she is only waiting because her Darling Husband wants to wait (she has ALWAYS talked about how she wants to wait a LONG time.) So basically, I feel like I’m in Invasion of the Body Snatchers and every aspect of my life is being taken over by her. I think the whole point of it is for her to try to impress our mututal in-laws because she is afraid they’ll like me better than her. What she doesn’t understand is that by acting fake she is driving people away, so she feels that and tries even harder to be someone she’s not (in this case me)-turning people off even more.
So, when they finally got engaged after a little while of my now Fiance and I dating, she rubbed it in my face by always saying little things about how she was going to be part of the family now and just kind of make little comments about how the difference between her and I, and how now she is family and I’m not. (She never said this outright, but constantly made little comments hinting at it). I gushed over her ring and made sure I was all happy and gave her her dues as a new bride.
So, they are finally getting married, and she doesn’t ask me to be a bridesmaid. I wasn’t really upset about this in and of itself, but she invited a few who she never spends time with, a few of these who she hadn’t even seen in about 3 years. I had been dating my now Fiance for about 2 years and everyone knew that we were eventually going to get married (even his mom said this to me after we got engaged). On top of this, I wound up having a major portion of the work associated with being a bridesmaid. She made me do a million things, and all of her bridesmaids except for about 2 just showed up in their dresses on the big day. (Many didn’t even come to her bridal shower or bachelorette party). I found out later that her big excuse for not having be in the wedding was because she didn’t know if we were going to stay together, and she was afraid that it would be awkward if we broke up and I was in the wedding.
Having said that, I wasn’t really even that upset about the whole bridesmaid thing because I know that it’s her day and she can pick whomever she chooses-more just the amount of work I had compared to her bridesmaids.
So now, fast forward a few months after their wedding, and now I’m engaged and planning my wedding. I’ll admit, she was very polite and asked me about it, etc, but in other ways she has been acting kind of immature. She’ll talk about the wedding amongst ourselves, but she doesn’t want to talk about “being in the family” anymore or basically anything that allows me to “catch up” to her status (going with the competitive theme). She also stays completely silent if my future in-laws act excited or ask me questions. She’s making everyone so uncomfortable. For example, whenever my FI’s mom saw my ring for the first time she said “Wow, boy I’ll tell you both of you girls have nice rings.” (She told me later that she was trying to be careful so Future Sister-In-Law didn’t feel badly about it). And my FI’s sister didn’t make a huge fuss over it, but when we were alone she said “Let me see it again! I couldn’t be as excited because of FSIL!” I gushed about her ring when she got engaged and all of her stuff, but no one wants to act too excited about mine because they are made so uncomfortable by her.
So here is the dilemma. She pressured me for a really long time asking me who I was going to have for my bridesmaids. I have a few bridesmaids (including FI’s sister) who I know for sure I want to be in it. I have a few bridesmaids who don’t know if they’ll be able to make it, but I have a few people who I can think of to replace them if they can’t come, which would take up all spots needed. If I really WANTED to make a spot for Future Sister-In-Law if those few bridesmaids don’t come, I technically could, but I haven’t decided.
So, I kept avoiding telling her, but one day she kind of forced me by asking me what my thoughts were on the subject, so I named the girls I was definitely going to have in it (she wasn’t included) but told her I hadn’t decided about the rest. She got really pouty and wouldn’t talk to me, and I’ve come to find out that she has been talking to my future-in-laws incessantly about how she is “entitled” to be in it because she’s “family.”
Just to add a few more things that she has done so you can understand her character more:
-We’re alone and talking about PDA and she says “No offense, but you and Fiance were really annoying when you first started dating and everyone talked about it.” She apologized later when I got upset, to be fair, but it just shows you the kind of stuff she says just randomly as small talk
-When we were shopping specifically for my wedding band she pouted the whole time while the girl gushed over my ring. When we went into a second store the sales associate asked “Can I help you?” and before I could answer she said “Yes, my husband wants to buy me an anniversary band to go on the other side of my ring so I’m looking for one that would match.” (This isn’t even true-she wants one but he doesn’t want to get her one.) So I’m standing there like… um? I guess I’m looking for a wedding band too…. since i’m the one getting married. I just sit back and take it to keep the peace, but sometimes I don’t understand what she’s thinking.
In general, to my face, she acts pretty nice to me, but she always says some obnoxious thing, tries to steal my ideas, or outdo me in anyway she can. She’s always trying to take my ideas and present it to our mutual in-laws before I get a chance and pass it off as hers so she can “win.” It’s starting to wear on me at this point. I don’t think she’ll necessarily cause any “trouble” or be malicious on my wedding day, but based on previous behavior, she will probably do those little competitive things and compare my wedding to hers. I also feel like the only reason she wants to be in the wedding at all is to chaperone my other Future Sister-In-Law (my FI’s sister) and make sure that we don’t “bond” too much and that she falls behind on the competition front. I feel bad for her because she obviously is very self-conscious and not confident just being herself and relaxing, but at the same I don’t want to set the precedent that she can just put the pressure on to get whatever she wants.
So what should I do? Should I ask her to be a bridesmaid?
TL;DR: My Future Sister-In-Law is very jealous and competitive. She didn’t have me in her wedding but thinks she is entitled to be in mine and is pressure me through her Darling Husband, my Fiance and my future in-laws. Should I ask her to be a bridesmaid or not?