- 10 years ago
- Wedding: October 2010
About 2 yrs ago, I convinced my sis and her 13 yo son to move to CA from NY. They lived with me with the plan to save and eventually find a place of their own. This lasted for about 8 mos when I painfully realized my nephew had issues with authority, rules, boundaries, chores, respect etc etc etc. He started to act out and become disrespectful if I pointed out chores that were not done or things he had forgotten to do. He also reacted badly if I asked him to redo something he did half assed. His mom would not help, she would respond to his laziness and half assed attempts with “at least he tried”….”considering the fact that he really didnot have chores back East, he did a great job” (even when it was a bad job, all wrong, or half assed)
As it turns out he really had no asssigned chores or any sense of structure in NY. These outbursts were pretty much his standard of behavior and he was having lots of problems at his school. Pretty much, he did whatever he wanted to w/minimal direction or repercussions for sloppiness, forgetfullnes, blatent dirsrespect and mouthing back to adults. He even behaved this way with his mom. I just didnot know about it. I though everything was fine back east.
I was quickly labelled the OCD aunt by both. The climax of the whole story occurs when she left him with me for a week while she took a vacation and all hell broke loose. He basically did not listen to me, called me names, curse words, and had a violent tantrum with a bat in his bedroom. Outbursts soon became a more frequent occurence and his standard reaction to any attempts of giving him guidance or direction or delegating something to him. This progressively got worse and worse escalating in hostilitiy and agression even after her return from her vacation. Upon her return she ultimately revoked a punishment I gave him as a consequence for his behavior; in my opinion, thus rewarding/reinforcing his behavior patterns.
Long story short, we had another huge and final argument which resulted in the nephew trying to hit me and mom had to physically get in the way to prevent an altercation. In the 8 months we all lived together he ran away like three times and we have had to call the cops three times due to his violent outbursts.
Thoughout all these months she and I constantly argued about having him apologize for his behavior. She feels a child this young should not be expected to apologize because he is a kid and is going to counseling for his issues. She feels I, as the adult, should not expect an apology from a child who has issues and that I should be the bigger person and just act like everything is ok and move on. He is in counseling right now and has been for about one year. She does acknowledge though that he is troubled…
Shortly after this last huge fight, I had kicked them both out.
We did not talk to one another for about 1.5 years. Even our mom spend about 1month with them for her vacation and she did not tolerate living with them for more than 4 weeks because of the same behavioral issues. My mom ended up staying the 3 weeks with me because she could not tolerate the lack of respect, andthe hostile and aggressive outbursts he continued to have.
Finally about a month ago, sis called me out of the blue and said she wanted to mend our relationship (she had almost gotten into a car accident and her whole life flew before her eyes). She said she could not continue to allow her son to be the wedge between her and her relationships with friends and family (we are the only two sisters) We both have come to terms with some things, talking again and spending time together. I love her dearly and if it was not for our disagreements with how she has raised her son, I really have no issues with her.
She is coming to the wedding, but she is basically super pissed off because I refuse to invite my nephew who is now 15 and has never apologized for trying to hit me or for the numerous tantrums he had while in my home. There are about 4 holes in the walls in his old room. On another occasion he treated my patio furniture like throw pillows. He has broken a cabinet in my home as well and had thrown an object at me once.
We tried talking about why I did not want him at the wedding and it led to a very heated discussion. She says I should forget the past and move forward and I believe he needs to be accountable for his actions and before we can move on, we need closure on the past and this begins with acknowledging what he did was unacceptable, apologizing and then hopefully moving toward a new relationship to the future.
I dont know what world she thinks we live in that you can treat people, esp family like that and then just think without addressing the issue, that it will magically be forgotten and we can act like nothing happened.
This has already caused us to regress in our newfound pathway to mending our relationship. We have not spoken for a week.
What do you bees think out there?????
Should he apologize?
Should he be allowed to come to the wedding?
Sorry for the long post……Any input greatly appreciated.