(Closed) Troubled Nephew with Anger Management Issues wants to come to wedding.

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
561 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

That boy needs intervention from a social worker and/or therapist, and he needs it now before he really hurts himself or someone else or becomes a felon. So does sister, In My Humble Opinion.

As for your question – you are not obligated to invite anyone you are afraid might have an outburst during your wedding day. It’s not worth your sanity. If sister does not understand that, oh well.

Post # 4
Member
7771 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Honestly, the kid is in counseling- right?  It sounds like you are harboring resentment toward him, and if that is the case, he probably shouldn’t be around you either.  I do think you need to be the bigger person here- he was obviously going through a terrible time and he is trying to get help for it.  I think he deserves a chance to be around you without any judgement on your part- does that makes sense?  Otherwise, he may feel sensitive to the way you are treating him if he senses resentment- and he may act out.

However, a wedding is not the time to “fix” every family issue.  If you DO have resentment toward him you are unable to overcome, you probably shouldn’t be around one another. 

Post # 5
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I definitely agree with the PP… a wedding doesn’t seem like the best time to mend this relationship.  Is there anyway you could see him before the wedding, and see how that goes first?  

If he was an adult, I would of course expect him to apologize.  HOWEVER, given his age, I think that might be an unrealistic expectation, especially since your sister doesn’t agree with you.  Maybe this is a case where you could mend the relationship, then sometime in the future sit down with him and tell him how hard that 8 months was for you?  He might need to see you as someone he respects and values, and be a bit more mature, before he’s ready to apologize. 

Hope that helps!  Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

I agree with the prior 2 posts.  As the mom of a 15 yr old son suffering with intermmitant explosive disorder, I can understand what your family is going through.  The actions, behavior, and attitude you described in your post (minus running away), sound so much like what we have lived with until about a yr ago.  Our son became so unruly we pulled him from public school to homeschool him and became withdrawn from most people we socialized with, including family.  Until you are a parent dealing with such a disorder, please don’t pass judgement on your sister or nephew…and I know that’s hard.

Please continue to try to mend ends with your sister, and try to forgive your nephew for actions that may have been out of his control.  He is in theraphy, and it will help him tremedously.  But, he has to know he has a support system that will love him unconditionally.  If you aren’t ready to be a part of that system, you need to express that to your sister and try to be part of the family/system at a later date.  Please don’t cause undue stress on yourself on your wedding day.  Hang in there and continue to pray for his treatement.  I’m praying for him!

Post # 8
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee

You yourself did not mention whether your nephew is in therapy or receiving any counseling.  Perhaps the way to go is to tell your sister that he is welcome to go if he is in therapy and his therapist agrees he should go.  This way, he will get the help he needs and you’ve extended the olive branch.

Post # 9
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I will let a trained therapist decide if your nephew has a treatable condition or just needs discipline.  Regardless, his behavior is not appropriate in public, it upsets you and he has no place at your wedding.  You don’t need to feel guilty about this–at one time you really tried to help your sister.  When your sister has taken the appropriate, responsible steps with her son (whether it is therapy or discipline) then I am sure you will welcome them into your life with open arms.  Until then, stick to your guns.

PS–I have a disabled nephew so I am VERY sympathic to families with similar situations and do not see any excuse for not getting your child the proper care.  Most of it is free and required by law!

Post # 10
Member
7771 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

As far as the “apology” thing goes- If this young man has mental illness or a disability- you need to be the bigger person- as unfair or difficult as that may be.  Also, I think (partly) this is an issue-perhaps with your sister?  And her parenting style (?)  I know what it is like to “be in the middle” between a misbehaving child and a parent that doesn’t do what you think they should- it is not a good place to be- but the fact of the matter is- he isn’t your child.  If she is reinforcing his behavior, as you believe she is- the situation is more complicated. 

Also, if you want to mend the relationship with this young man, maybe you could attend a therapy session with him and his mother.  Having a mediator is often a helpful key.  It sounds like you believe it is important to tell this young man how you feel about what he did- and receive an acknowledgment and apology.  Perhaps that is a need that you have- and that may be best spoken in an environment where a mediator can help negotiate the feelings and needs of both (if not all three) of you.  It is difficult to try to mend these family issues when we, as brides, are just trying to have a nice wedding.  It isn’t the time, but unfortunately, this is when things seem to rear their heads.  Good luck and best wishes.

Post # 11
Member
529 posts
Busy bee

I have a cousin with similar issues and refuse to have him at my wedding, to the annoyance of his (divorced) parents. One of the things I pointed out to them that applies in your case as well was how stressful this would not only be to you, but for your mother, and I am sure other family members as well. If your sister doesn’t see your side, maybe she will keep them in mind. Regardless, you are doing the right thing. You and your family are in my prayers.

Post # 12
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

In My Humble Opinion, 13, and especially 15, is most definitely an age where an apology should be expected. I am a preschool teacher – I hold my 3-5 year olds responsible for their actions (as long as they understand what they’ve done wrong, of course) and they are expected to apologize to me or their peers if someone is hurt. Your nephew clearly needs some sort of intervention from a professional, but that is out of your hands. It’s unfortunate that your sister doesn’t seem to realize the seriousness of her son’s behavior, and equally unfortunate that it’s thrown such a wrench into your relationship. However, this is your wedding, your big day, and if your nephew randomly decides he wants to mouth off to the priest or something, that would be a disaster! And anyway, why would a 15-year-old boy even WANT to attend the wedding of an aunt he clearly does not respect?? Maybe your sister is offended by this, but your nephew is probably indifferent, and I would imagine your sister is only so offended because this forces her to admit what a serious problem her son has, again only In My Humble Opinion. I hope you are able to reach a compromise with your sister, but I don’t think you’re under any obligation here, given the circumstances. Good luck!!!

Post # 13
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

honestly, i can’t imagine the kid himself would want to actually come to the wedding…

Post # 14
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

considering his past actions towards you.  if you want to try and mend the relationship, i think some test runs prior to the wedding are the way to go.  can’t risk getting to the wedding day and seeing him for the first time in years only to discover he hasn’t changed at all and even worse, resents you.

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