(Closed) Troubles with my SO and intimacy. Warning: long.

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
7649 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

He sounds really immature. Spending money on stuff and then lying about it when he should be getting serious about your future together. Even if you guys are caught up now, that’s because YOU were the mature one and got it back on track. If he doesn’t learn to value money then he is going to continue spending it on porn and whatever else and not care because you will take care of it for him.

I don’t know if I can recommend a break up, but you need to have a serious talk with him about the finances and about the intamacy. Ask him what he wants, and try to communicate to each other what you can do to improve.

Post # 4
2297 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

okay so – i would table an engagement with this guy for a while, until you figure some things out.

1 – he seems to spend an excessive amount of time watching porn. now, ‘excessive’ isn’t the same for everyone, but you are clearly feeling neglected, and he is choosing to do that over other things, and talking about it at work (wtf?) etc. it’s clearly getting in the way of having a healthy relationship with you.

2 – the transvestite thing. so, obviously i don’t know your SO, and i say this as a super opened minded person. he may be questioning his sexuality, or he may be bisexual, or he may be wanting to experience sexual experiences with a transvestite. if he’s having this internal dialogue/insecurity etc it could definitely manifest itself in withdrawing from you, and spending more time on that ‘fantasy’. also – while lots of people have fetishes/fantasies, i don’t think they only watch that ONE type of porn, the fact that it seems like he is ONLY into transvestites strikes me as an issue.

3 – the porn membership. you are having money issues, he can’t be trusted with it, and he has decided to spend money on more transvestite porn. which means more time watching it, which in turn means more time away from you. ie – he is investing in his fetish, not in you or your relationship

4 – sex matters. how you feel matters. neither of these things (by your own admission) have been getting better for YEARS. getting engaged or married will not magically help this and that will be a serious issue in your marriage.

at the moment you’re not in a healthy, happy relationship where both partners needs are being met and both partners are thinking about the future and bettering the relationship. i would not move forward with an engagement, and i would think seriously about staying in the relationship as is.

Post # 5
1227 posts
Bumble bee

I can’t imagine a more empathetic girlfriend. I am pretty liberal, but shemale porn would be a deal breaker for me. Total props to you. The way I see it is that if my Fiance was turned on by women with dicks, I couldn’t stay with him because I will never have a dick and therefore I could never, regardless of how hard I tried, be his ultimate fantasy. 

If you aren’t satisfied with your sex life now, well it won’t get better after you marry. It sounds like he has a whole host of issues he needs to sort out for himself.

If I was in your shoes I’d cut my losses. There are a million men out there who would be a better fit and who will be honest with you and respectful towards you. You don’t deserve the lies and you don’t deserve to live life sexually unfulfilled and feeling inadequate and unsexy. 

Post # 6
3718 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@MysAnon:  My ex was like this. Why we broke up (which I have never told anyone) was that i discovered a similar porn habit. It embarassed him and he realized we would never be compatable in bed. We would never have a great relationship without great sex. Every happily married couple I know has given me the advice.

I see some big red flags:

– He is putting porn before you. He is hurting you financially and emotionally. Do not agree to spend the rest of your life with someone who does not make you a priority.

– He knows he is hurting you and hasn’t gotten help. He has a porn addiction which is hurting your sex life. His porn addiction is also hurting you financially– you could lose your car, which means you could lose your job. He knows this, but doesn’t get help.

– He lies. You have no idea the extent of the lies. I refuse to date someone who doesen’t trust me and respect me enough to be truthful.

I say counseling is a must, but honestly, you are young and aren’t tied to him. I see so many red flags that I would urge you to explore your future with someone else.

Post # 7
4687 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

Anxiety medications can seriously reduce sex drive. For some people, it can be eliminated by the meds.

The trust issues and shemale porn obsession are alarming. I think you need to sit down with him and really see what’s going on…


Always remember, people don;t change and you can’t expect them to.

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