(Closed) Trust and Anxiety –

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
12247 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

It’s good you’re getting counseling! I think it will really help. I also think it’s a pretty common fear–I always thought I would feel more secure when we got engaged. Then we did. But then I was afraid he could still walk away! (I had an ex who did) So I saw a counselor. And I fell SO much better!

Post # 5
Member
624 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@MariaW:  I am very much like you with my thought process. I always worrying about jinxing myself. I would never ever believe something was going to happen until it did. I worried if I talked about it, it wouldn’t happen. I actually still worry about jinxing myself about getting engaged sometimes, but it’s just a random thought that pops into the back of my head sometimes. 

      I can’t even tell you how much anixety men gave me. I was always tossing and turning at night thinking about things and driving myself crazy worrying. But you know what is weird… all these crazy thoughts I had dissapeared when I met my SO… 

     It was like all the fears and worrying I did was about things NOT happening. And he always showed me that when he said he would do something, he would. He proved to me that when he said he would call, he would. And when he said we would do something, we did. He never once said something and didn’t do it. He just made me feel calm and at peace. I could actually sleep!! (Until this whole waiting thing haha)

     Almost 2 years ago, I did have this mini melt down b/c of stress and anixety because of work and and life and decided to go see someone. I’m honestly not sure if I can attribute my new feelings in life to my therapist or my SO. Talking to someone does take this huge weight off my shoulders though. But for me, talking makes me feel better. Just talking things out always makes me feel good. 

    Of course this whole waiting thing still drives me crazy, but less crazy than it would if I didn’t have some ways to cope.  I don’t know if I made any sense ( I usually don’t) but I just want you to know, you aren’t alone. I have been one of those constant “What If” people. I am a worry wart and well I’m terrible. BUT I can tell you, my fears and anxiety have dramatically lessened. These feelings can and do go away. I always thought I would be ridden with anxiety about silly things that nobody else could understand, but I don’t feel like that anymore. I think talking to someone would help you, it can’t hurt. And at the very least, I look at it as a way to vent to an impartial party haha. *HUGS*

Post # 7
Member
624 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@MariaW:  You really sound like me!! I am a forever planner and my guy is not… To me, it sounds perfectly logical that if you had timelines and missed them, you would be unable to trust other timelines. Everyone else might say that is an irrational fear, but to me it isn’t. If something happens once, I worry it will happen again and again… So I completely understand your thought pattern!

   YES! I worry about everything way  before it happens. My mom always tells me to stop it and you can’t worry about something that hasn’t happened… Of course, I don’t believe that haha. But I too am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It took me a while to even believe that my SO was the amazing man that he was b/c I was waiting for the other shoe to drop… I feel that when you have serious illnesses and death affecting you, your thought pattern changes. How could it not?

    It’s so easy for people to say “Well stop thinking like that” but you can’t, you just can’t turn it off. It’s one thing for my mom to say “Oh stop, it will be fine” it was another thing to hear my therapist speak rationally to me about it. 

   Haha you wrote far from a novel!!! I find myself writing a lot myself. Haha well thank you, sometimes I am! I’m 29, I’ve been going to sessions for about hmm 20 months? I used to go weekly for about 6 months. Now I go about once a month. Just when I think I should stop going, I go and it just feels so good to talk it all out. I’m not familiar with ACT or CBT. The woman I go to is just a plain old Psychologist and is wonderful. I knew that was the kind of treatment that would work for me, but it all depends on your ultimate goal and what you are comfortable with. 

Post # 8
Member
486 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I love when bees use this site as a counseling service, because then I actually feel purposeful in chiming in lol 

There’s really no such thing as a plain old psychologist. Every psychologist has a different orientation, just some are eclectic (meaning they pick and choose different techniques to use) and others are integrative (combine different treatments based on their efficacy together). 

ACT is an acceptance-baced model. It stands for acceptance and commitment therapy. It teaches you about values and finding a direction in life and following it, while accepting your current circumstances. 

CBT is cognitive behavior therapy, and what I am currently being taught. The basic model is that your thoughts influence how you feel, and your feelings/emotions influence your behavior and how you act. (Thoughts -> emotions -> behavior) What you would learn from a CBT therapist is to recognize different thoughts in different situations and how to hold a different perspective. The more you pay attention to your thoughts, look at whether the thoughts make sense, are probable, worst case scenario, etc., the easier that process becomes. The premise being that by recognizing your thoughts in the process, you can better control the outcome and how you respond in different situations. 

 

Now a few words about anxiety:

Fear = a response you have to an actual threat. Ex. A tiger right in front of you.

Panic = a response you have to a perceived threat. Ex. A tiger on TV or in a cage at the zoo.

Anxiety = future-oriented panic. Worrying about something you think might happen in the future (aka “what if?”). Ex. A tiger at the zoo you are going to next weekend; what if the tiger gets loose? 

 

None of this is really directly in response to your question, but sometimes a little knowledge can go a long way. Hope this helps =] 

Let me know if you have any questions about the above or related topics. 

Post # 9
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I am engaged and will be married soon – and I still don’t think it’s “real.”  Invitations have been sent out.  Dress has been bought.  Photographer has been hired. Caterer book. Churh paid for.  Everything.  and my Fiance keeps telling me how happy he is that we are getting married.

Nonetheless, like you, I keep expecting the other shoe to drop/lightning to stike/something bad to happen.

what do I do about it? Nothing.  I just keep putting one foot in front of theother and trusting that it will all work out.  I do not “feed” my fears otherwise they will grow. They are not real.  FEAR is False Expectations Appearing Real.

Try to replace fear with trust.

Post # 10
Member
12247 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@MariaW:  Once a week for about three months, then every other week for another three months!

Post # 12
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@MariaW:  My trust stems from my belief in God.  I trust God to care for me no matter way.

Post # 13
Member
486 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I’m not religious, so for me rather than trust in God, or trust in SO, it’s just trust in the process. That’s something I’ve learned in grad school too. I’m on my way to becoming a psychologist and sometimes it sounds like what they teach us couldn’t possibly work (because it sounds so simple in theory). But my teachers encourage me to just trust in the process. You’re not the first or last person in this position, so trust that it will all work out like it has for so many others. 

 

What I forgot to say in my other post is that it sounds like you have doubts in yourself, and like you don’t think you’re good enough or worthy of marriage and of things working out your way. That’s something that might come up in counseling as well. 

 

The more you try to suppress your thoughts the more they will preoccupy you. The best solution is to play them out. It’s like if I tell you not to think about cake. Whatever you do just don’t think about chocalety goodness or icing or the sweet taste in your mouth. (lol it’s funny, but true. Don’t you want cake now?) Same with all other thoughts. If you keep telling yourself to put them out of your mind you’ll be focusing on them more. Whereas if you let yourself think it through you’ll get bored of it/forget and move on to a different topic.

 

Another strategy that might help you is mindfulness. Think of thoughts as leaves on a stream (very common anology in the biz lol). You have a thought, and you just let it float away. Thoughts are just thoughts. They’re not facts. They’re possibilities. They may or may not happen. Don’t judge yourself for having “good” or “bad” thoughts. Just observe them and let them pass. 

Post # 14
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@MariaW:  dont feel bad! i haven’t been waiting long and im anxious about that stuff too. I think women like us who are used to having control or at least feeling like if we work hard we can make things happen have a problem letting go completely.

At least your chill about it. I dont have your patience or understanding so i know it’ll work out for you. Or i hope at least.

Post # 16
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@MariaW:  i think that is what it means. my SO took longer than i’d like to be ready to be engaged even though he knew early on i was the one he wanted to marry. Now even my crazy witing anxiety can’t shake him. I’m the one always voicing doubts due to his early hesitance and he’s always reassuring. When your SO comes around nothing will shake his resolve!

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