(Closed) Trust is broken… need advice and to vent

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think you did the right thing! It takes a strong woman to put her foot down and refuse to continue to take poop from someone. All his affairs can be thought of as emotional abuse. Personally, I wouldn’t try to repair this, no matter how much he begs, pleads, and crys. You gave him soooooo many more chances then anyone I know would ever allow. Frankly, I don’t think people just decide out of the blue to call their trainer’s wife/FI/gf and tell her that they’ve been having sex with their husband/FI/bf without there having been sexual activity. Change the locks and don’t let him back in the house! And file for divorce. But…that is just how I would react. I do wish you luck. Stay strong! Don’t give into his lies.

Post # 4
Member
4567 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

*hug* I have no words of advice, but I’m so sorry.

Post # 5
Member
414 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think you did the right thing. I just feel compelled to share something with you, a few years ago my mom found out that my father had an affair with another woman. We were shocked and hurt. After a few months my father showed himself truly changed and very sorry. My parents got back together and though it hasn’t been easy we have a happy family again. All this being said,I don’t think you should just let him back into your life without him proving to have changed and a heart of true repentance. My mom has a website that shares our full testimony is you are interested “<cite>faithtestimony.org.”</cite> I hope this has been beneficial to you and I wish you the best!

Post # 6
Member
940 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I, too, have no words, other than that I’m so sorry for what happened.

Post # 7
Member
3252 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Oh honey I’m so sorry…((lots of hugs))…this is a dig deep down within yourself moment. You have to do what is best for you. Can you forgive him? As your husband its his duty to be up front and honest with you about these types of things. After this woman called you, why on earth would he work with her?!? Makes no sense to me…don’t let love be blindfold…look at his history….its ultimately your decision but make sure its one you can comfortably live with.

Trust is an important part of a relationship….without that theres nothing. If you’re going to take him back…you have to be ready to let go of everything…you can’t hold it over his head. You have to be willing to believe that he’s changed. You have to let him go out of your eyesight without worrying about whet he’s doing. Can you do that?

If not….you will never have peace of mind and you will drive yourself crazy….so just ask yourself…will I be able to trust him again?

Good luck….and keep us posted.

Post # 8
Member
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I am not going to sugarcoat my response, so if you’re very sensitive you may not want to read any further.

First, I am very sorry for what happened. My XH had a physical affair  and it was completely devastating to me. I do think that it is something couples can get past if it is only a one-time incident, however if one of the partners has a habit of cheating (emotional or otherwise) then I don’t think that is something that can be fixed.

While I do not believe my XH cheated on me again after the one incident, and I did go back to trusting him completely, his selfish behavior just manifested itself in other ways. His need for approval/attention/to feel needed, etc. just changed from that of romantic/emotional cheating to something else which was still very painful to me. There was nothing that could fix our relationship whether or not I trusted him because his issues were about HIM.

My words of wisdom to you would be to seek individual counseling before you even consider trying to fix your relationship with your husband, or going through the painful process of trying to learn to trust again. You have already said that your H cheated on you emotionally at least two times prior to marriage, and now this. Whether or not you want to believe that he had sex with this woman is really irrelevant. He has shown you that his behavior hasn’t changed. I think it could be helpful to you to figure out why you are allowing yourself to be treated this way, and whether it is even healthy for you to try to repair things with him.

I know you love him, but you must love yourself also.

 

Post # 9
Hostess
18644 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I don’t really have any advice but I just wanted to tell you that I’m so sorry this has happened to you and I hope you can figure something out that makes you happy.

Post # 10
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

you did the right thing. kick his cheating ass out!!

Post # 11
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.  I’m glad you trusted your gut.  Its usually right.  I would never judge someone else relationship but it seems this is the right thing to do for you, for now.  I don’t think you can really evaluate things with him still there.  Has he tried to come back or speak to you openly and honestly?

Post # 12
Member
1514 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I’m sorry you’re going through this.  My XH cheated on my physically with other women multiple times.  However, this is someone you love and want to trust and the betrayal is so hard to get over.  Even when I knew he was still blatently cheating on me, i tried to take him back.  For a long time I held out hope that we could work things out.  It didn’t work and that was for the best in our case.  If you want to work it out, that’s your choice and you shouldn’t feel bad about it.  I’d suggest, like others, counseling for yourself first.  If he wants to do counseling together, that would be a good step too.

Only you know what is best for you.  Hopefully with support from family and close friends you can make it through this.  Good luck!

Post # 13
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m so sorry you’re going through this! The other posters gave some great advice – especially CurlyDreamer. Loving yourself is the first thing you need to accomplish. Once you’ve learned how to do that, you can then better judge if you want to give your husband another chance. It definitely won’t get better alone – it will definitely take counseling, but I wish you the best. Keep us updated on how things have gone.

Post # 14
Bee
13063 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2009 - Barr Mansion

You’re not losing it!  Whether or not he actually slept with her, there is obviously something fishy going on that he intentionally hid from you.  I think you did the right thing.  Be strong and good luck!

Post # 15
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I think you absolutely did the right thing and agree with PPs who advised seeking individual counseling before trying to repair this relationship.

Post # 16
Member
1510 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I’s so very sorry you are going through this.

There is something to be said for women’s intuition and 9 times out of 10 where there is smoke, there is fire.

I think at this point you need to determine whether or not you want to spend your life with this man and if you do, whether or not he wants to go through the steps to make your marriage right again.  This would include counseling, full disclosure of indescretions, maybe even ability to monitor his emails/ voicemails, etc.

I don’t really have any experience going through this, but cheating is awful.  You deserve a husband who loves you unconditionally and will stand by you through thick and thin.  Don’t settle for anything less.

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