(Closed) Trust issues?

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
75 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I definitely think if you find THE ONE and you both work to maintain a healthy relationship a cheater can be reformed.  In my experiencethe guys cheated because the relationship was lacking something.  My mom’s first husband wasn’t ready for marriage and only got married because it was the late 60’s and the right thing to do in their small town when my mom got pregnant – he was young and wasn’t ready for marriage.  My FI’s dad cheated because there was a lack of intimacy and sex in his current relationship.  If your Fiance has never done anything to prove otherwise I would trust him 🙂  But I do understand that’s hard. I have trust issues with my Fiance as well for no reason at all except my past relationships.  It’s something we’ve been able to take and grow closer because of!

Post # 4
Member
774 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I also think if you are “the one” for him, then yes, of course he can change. Change is a personal choice not something you can be coerced in to…that is how a lot of the cheating scenarios start.

I also think when people cheat it is because there is something missing. For the most part. Some times, there is not explaining it. However, if he has given you no reason to worry, then I wouldn’t. Just kind of stay aware.

I say this because I trust my Fiance 100%. I also trusted my ex-husband 100% and he cheated. He chased me for 4 years I thought he would be stupid to throw it away by cheating. I was oblivious to the tell tale signs and accepted his lies when I did raise and eyebrow. Because again, I thought “No way would he do that to me.”. I was wrong. So, even though I trust my Fiance 100% I have tried not to be blind in this relationship. I know he could cheat on me. We have to work together so that nothing like that ever happens. 🙂

Post # 5
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

What a good question.  I think people can change.  When I was younger, I would drink and party often. Now, I hardly ever drink.  When I was younger, I hooked up with guys at crazy college parties. Now, I don’t go to crazy parties or even think of looking to find hot guys, let alone hook up with them.  As we get older, we mature and our life styles change – our attitudes change.  We see the errors of our past and make an effort to be a better person. It seems this is what your Fiance has done.  He was a cheater, he has seen his errors, and has changed.  Isn’t it only natural that as we grow older, we leave our young/childish acts behind.  If he isn’t actually doing anything to make you suspicious (staying out late, private calls, checking out girls) then you should try to trust him.

Post # 6
Member
631 posts
Busy bee

I hate to be the only other voice, but I do have one piece of advice: ask him what the circumstances were when he cheated.  Was he drunk, was he spending a lot of time with the other woman?  Was it a friendship that turned to a hook-up situation or was it a one night stand? 

I think after you know what the circumstances were, it will be easier for your fiancee to identify his “temptation situations.”  For example, if he got drunk and hooked up with a girl who was a friend, perhaps you should have a rule to the effect of: “no getting drunk one-on-one with someone of hte opposite sex.”  These things “don’t just happen,” they happen because the cheater puts himself in a position to cheat.

I think that could help put your mind at ease.

Post # 7
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I agree with ChicagoWife.

I also want to say that I think a lot more trust comes with age and maturity. I’m a young bride, and I know that my fiance and I address any issues and we learn from it. The thing is, I think the longer you’re together, the better the relationship will be. Just talk your way through it with your fiance! 🙂

Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think that if you feel you can trust him, you shouldn’t overthink it or become obsessed with the idea of him cheating…that might end up pushing him away.

I do agree with Miss Hot Sauce that if that your gut is telling you something is up, than something probably is up..but if you overthink and obsess you may make a mountain out of a mole hill.

I also agree with Charm Bracelet that people do change. I am CERTAINLY not the same person I was four years ago before I met my Fiance, or ten years ago etc. etc. and I don’t think it’s fair of people to hold their SOs responsible or accountable for actions that happened before they even met.

I think it says a lot that he was upfront with his past to you and that shows he obvsiouly is not proud of his actions and doesn’t want to repeat them. I also don’t think it’s important to talk and discuss and go over ever single step of why he did what he did way back then. It’s in the past. You two have a different relationship. Move forward and work on this one rather than obsess over the old ones!

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