Post # 1
- Wedding: September 2010 - Heron Hill Winery
I have absolutely no reason to not trust my Fiance, but I do get paranoid at times. I know he has been completely honest with me and would never want to do anything to hurt me, but sometimes I can’t help but wonder. He has never been unfaithful to me in anyway and the only reason I think I get paranoid is because he has been so honest with me. He told me about how in past relationships he had problems with cheating on his exes and how he regrets being that person. And has told me that I am the first honest relationship he has ever had (not to mention the longest) and that it’s the first time he hasn’t been planning a move onto the next girl. I know it sounds crazy and I am sure that other people may think once a cheater always a cheater. But he has never cheated on me and I don’t believe he ever intends to and he has told me that countless times. I have had friends that were like the kind of person he used to be and when they met the right one they changed and there was no one else. I don’t quite understand cheating do people do it because they are missing something in that relationship, but fear being alone while they search for something new? Is it possible for someone to have been unfaithful in prior relationships and change for a different partner? What do you ladies think? Have you ever had a similar experience? Were you unfaithful and changed?
Post # 3
I definitely think if you find THE ONE and you both work to maintain a healthy relationship a cheater can be reformed. In my experiencethe guys cheated because the relationship was lacking something. My mom’s first husband wasn’t ready for marriage and only got married because it was the late 60’s and the right thing to do in their small town when my mom got pregnant – he was young and wasn’t ready for marriage. My FI’s dad cheated because there was a lack of intimacy and sex in his current relationship. If your Fiance has never done anything to prove otherwise I would trust him 🙂 But I do understand that’s hard. I have trust issues with my Fiance as well for no reason at all except my past relationships. It’s something we’ve been able to take and grow closer because of!
Post # 4
I also think if you are “the one” for him, then yes, of course he can change. Change is a personal choice not something you can be coerced in to…that is how a lot of the cheating scenarios start.
I also think when people cheat it is because there is something missing. For the most part. Some times, there is not explaining it. However, if he has given you no reason to worry, then I wouldn’t. Just kind of stay aware.
I say this because I trust my Fiance 100%. I also trusted my ex-husband 100% and he cheated. He chased me for 4 years I thought he would be stupid to throw it away by cheating. I was oblivious to the tell tale signs and accepted his lies when I did raise and eyebrow. Because again, I thought “No way would he do that to me.”. I was wrong. So, even though I trust my Fiance 100% I have tried not to be blind in this relationship. I know he could cheat on me. We have to work together so that nothing like that ever happens. 🙂
Post # 5
What a good question. I think people can change. When I was younger, I would drink and party often. Now, I hardly ever drink. When I was younger, I hooked up with guys at crazy college parties. Now, I don’t go to crazy parties or even think of looking to find hot guys, let alone hook up with them. As we get older, we mature and our life styles change – our attitudes change. We see the errors of our past and make an effort to be a better person. It seems this is what your Fiance has done. He was a cheater, he has seen his errors, and has changed. Isn’t it only natural that as we grow older, we leave our young/childish acts behind. If he isn’t actually doing anything to make you suspicious (staying out late, private calls, checking out girls) then you should try to trust him.
Post # 6
I hate to be the only other voice, but I do have one piece of advice: ask him what the circumstances were when he cheated. Was he drunk, was he spending a lot of time with the other woman? Was it a friendship that turned to a hook-up situation or was it a one night stand?
I think after you know what the circumstances were, it will be easier for your fiancee to identify his “temptation situations.” For example, if he got drunk and hooked up with a girl who was a friend, perhaps you should have a rule to the effect of: “no getting drunk one-on-one with someone of hte opposite sex.” These things “don’t just happen,” they happen because the cheater puts himself in a position to cheat.
I think that could help put your mind at ease.
Post # 7
I agree with ChicagoWife.
I also want to say that I think a lot more trust comes with age and maturity. I’m a young bride, and I know that my fiance and I address any issues and we learn from it. The thing is, I think the longer you’re together, the better the relationship will be. Just talk your way through it with your fiance! 🙂
Post # 8
- Wedding: September 2010 - Heron Hill Winery
Like I had said I have no reason not to trust him…he doesn’t go out without me or spend time with people without telling me where he is going, if he does go to hang out with people he calls me while he is out. We are both very open about how we feel and I realize that a lot of my trust issues likely come from not trusting my father. I have issues in general when it comes to trusting people and it takes time like cinemaparadiso said.
@ chicagowife: I understand what you are saying…I do think that you are right and that men do often put themselves in situations to cheat. This is why I do feel in ways that he has changed…Not too long ago some girl he went to highschool with started sending him e-mails in a sense trying to seduce him..he showed me these e-mails and told me how ridiculous he thought it was. Later being snoopy me I looked through his e-mails and saw one where the girl was pretty much saying that she could get him to cheat on me…his response was to tell her that nothing NOTHING she could do would make that happen…he even went as far to tell her he would meet her to prove it…in a following e-mail he wrote back and said that though he trusts himself not to do anything he found it would be disrespectful to me to even put himself in that situation and told the girl to basically give up. (He did also tell me about these e-mails, but didn’t know I had already read them)
We have been together for 4 years come Nov. and we both have grown to trust each other significantly. I guess in my mind I sometimes feel that our relationship is too good to be true so I start to look for possibilities of things that could be wrong. At the same time I am not crazy obsessive with trying to find things that are wrong I just try not to live in a dream world….I think a lot if it is just who I am. I call myself a realist, but someone else may call me pessimistic.
I am ridiculously happy with him and don’t ever see myself with anyone else…I guess it’s just tough on me because I have never been through any of this before. I am marrying my first/only serious Boyfriend or Best Friend and haven’t dealt with any past relationships. We constantly talk openly and don’t let things get under our skin.
I think it gets tough when I realize he has dated more…I just need to be happy that I haven’t had to go through the struggle of many relationships and realize that being in a relationship is a learning process.
Post # 9
I think that if you feel you can trust him, you shouldn’t overthink it or become obsessed with the idea of him cheating…that might end up pushing him away.
I do agree with Miss Hot Sauce that if that your gut is telling you something is up, than something probably is up..but if you overthink and obsess you may make a mountain out of a mole hill.
I also agree with Charm Bracelet that people do change. I am CERTAINLY not the same person I was four years ago before I met my Fiance, or ten years ago etc. etc. and I don’t think it’s fair of people to hold their SOs responsible or accountable for actions that happened before they even met.
I think it says a lot that he was upfront with his past to you and that shows he obvsiouly is not proud of his actions and doesn’t want to repeat them. I also don’t think it’s important to talk and discuss and go over ever single step of why he did what he did way back then. It’s in the past. You two have a different relationship. Move forward and work on this one rather than obsess over the old ones!