(Closed) Trust issues from the beginning.. Where do we go from here? LONG..

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

My personal opinion is if you dont trust someone and cant take them at their word then you can’t have a successful relationship.

Post # 4
Member
13012 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

First of all, you were wrong for snooping in his facebook account.  That doesn’t make what he did any less wrong, but you shouldn’t have been in his account.  That also gives him reason to not trust you.  Two wrongs don’t make a right.

But I agree, there are some huge, huge, huge trust issues in this relationship.  I think the two of you need to sit down (maybe with a professional) and work this out before you proceed in wedding planning.  A wedding isn’t going to miraculously fix all of these issues.  Before going any further, I think you need to re-evaluate your trust issues and figure out what can be done to fix them.  It won’t go away if you ignore it; it’ll only get worse.

Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
468 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@glittergirl2: You have to have trust in a relationship. My Fiance and I never go through eachothers things or ever want too. I trust him and have no reason to search. I think you need to take a look at how you really feel about that because it might never go away… I’ve been in other relationships before my Fiance with no trust.

As for the girl… trust your gut. It usually doesn’t lie. The proposal would have made me upset as well and I would totally want a redo! Good Luck!

Post # 6
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

It’s time to take a break. Really. I usually don’t believe in that, but in this situation I think it could be good for you to get away from him for a bit. I think you’ll realize you are in this situation for the wrong reasons.

Post # 7
Member
1562 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

It sounds like you are overly possessive and jealous, perhaps stemming from the origins of your relationship.  I’m not saying he’s been perfect.  He has every right to not let you have his passwords to his personal accounts – you shouldn’t even ask.  ETA my advice would be to work on these issues on your own.. you can’t be with someone you do not trust.

Post # 8
Member
46411 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I also suggest counselling- for a number of reasons. Although you seem to be holding him responsible for the issues in your relationship, you have your own problems to deal with

Right at the beginning, you started by dating a man who was seeing someone else.

You violated his privacy and his trust by snooping in his facebook account.

You snoop on his phone.

You are unable to let go of any concerns even down to the manner in which he proposed.

YOu are letting all these issues interfere with your sexual intimate relationship.

Time to deal with these issues and move on- with or without him.

Post # 9
Member
3626 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I do not think snooping is wrong when you believe you will find something, so I wouldn’t blame you for anything that happened. You should definitely take a break to re-evaluate what you want and deserve in a relationship. If you feel that you deserve the way he’s acted in this relationship, then go for it.

Post # 10
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

No trust, no relationship. Its really simple.  When its right, the thought of cheating doesn’t cross your mind

Why would you spend years of your life with some jerk who keeps talking to girls, especially one you don’t like?

Post # 11
Member
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@julies1949: THIS!

The only thing I would add is that you said a lot of your friends let their SO’s go through their phones or on their accounts. My Fiance and I are NOT like that. To us, our computers and phones are private and we ASK each other before touching them. Privacy doesn’t mean infidelity.

Post # 13
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@glittergirl2: if that’s the way you feel, then you need to find a partner who agrees with that. Personally, hubs and I have no secrets, no each others pws for things, and can go on anytime we like. Do we? NO. Why? Because there’s no reason to. Unless the other person asks for something specifically

Its called respect for the other person

Post # 14
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Our emails and phones are private BUT if I ask SO if I can look at them, he has no problems to let me go through it.

I think you should consider getting some counselling together. Its important to work through the issues and it could provide you with some answers. I completely understand why you’ve become fixated on the bad timing of the proposal but  I often find after talkiing to my SO that how I see things is completely different from how he sees things ie it could have been his way of saying I know things are bad but I know we’ll work through it.

Good luck!

Post # 15
Member
46411 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@glittergirl2: what happened to “what’s mine is yours”?? what is the point of keeping a phone or computer private when you’re about to share your entire life with someone? I think if there’s a reason to keep something private then there’s something the other person is not allowed to see, IMO

there are reasons that one partner would like to keep things private from the other. We like to arrange surprises for each other. We just had a 3 day getaway to Seattle arranged totally online by me. How would I do this if he checked my phone and email all the time?

He doesn’t need to check because he trusts me, as I do him. You clearly do not trust him and your relationship will suffer until you deal with this as a couple.

Post # 16
Member
4142 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

@takemyhand: I agree. I would never, ever touch my SOs things without his permission. Even though I know his passwords.  It’s just rude, and I have no reason to.  That said, we would probably never refuse either.

I should add though that the one time I refused was because I knew a guy had texted inappropriate messages to me that I hadn’t deleted and I didn’t want to hurt SO (even though I’d not encouraged this other guys texting). I wasn’t proud of this.

Perhaps he is hiding something, but if your boundries don’t mirror each other (regarding privacy) then really there is no solution.  It can’t be one rule for one and another for the other.

I don’t much like the sound of this girl though.

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