(Closed) Trust issues from the beginning.. Where do we go from here? LONG..

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
2492 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@glittergirl2: What’s mine is his and what’s his is mine. We share a bank account, finances, and everything else. Everyone needs their privacy and we happen to have our computer and phone as such. If I ever asked him for a password or to see, he would show me. We plan suprises for each other or have confidential work info on our things, so there is no need to snoop.

Post # 18
Member
878 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My Fiance and I share everthing.  We use the same email program, we know each others FB passwords.  And I very rarely go into his accounts, because we are so open with each other there really is no need.  We have nothing to hide, and we also have no trust issues.

IMO if you can’t trust him, then you can’t marry him.  It would not be fair to yourself.  For how long are you going to be able to run around double and triple checking on him?  Eventually you will get to the point where you do not have it in your heart to do it anymore, and you will walk away.  And you deserve better than that!

Maybe councelling would be a good idea if you really can not walk away from this person.

But I would hold off on any wedding until the trust issues have been completely worked out.

Post # 19
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

While I think you do have some trust issues and those are not good for relationship (and need to be worked out prior to a marriage) the way that he’s acting is SUPER shady. I’d be upset too!

Post # 20
Member
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I cannot think of a single reason I would want my FI’s passwords. I suppose if I really wanted to know what was in there, he would give them to me – but if I’m at the point where I care what’s in his email, or think he’s cheating or hiding something? Then there’s already something very, very wrong.

Post # 21
Member
357 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I feel really bad for your situation. It sucks to always have a sneaking suspicion in the back of your mind. I think some guys like to feed their egos or they are easily flattered when someone shows interest, I believe his story, I think he was wrong to get involved in that but I don’t think he is cheating. It’s probably hard that your Fiance owns a bar, maybe you have insecurities with that, a lot of this could be totally built up in your head. I think it’s great that he deleted his FB page, it probably wasn’t worth the drama and he was sick of arguing about it all the time. I would think if he was shady his phone would have been on silent mode or off and you would have never even known he received a message. You just have to decide to make the effort and give him the benefit of the doubt if you want this to work. 

 

Behind every untrusting girl is a boy who taught her to be that way…

 

Post # 22
Member
395 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

My opinion is that if you have nothing to hide, you won’t hide it. Darling Husband and I look at each other’s phones, etc all of the time. We have NO trust issues what so ever, we are simply very very open with one another — and we mirror one another on this, so it works. We both feel that if there is nothing to hide, there is no reason for anything to be hidden. 

That being said, I think that you had the right to snoop, since you found something incriminating. I think that you have a ton of reasons not to trust this guy, and I think that you need to seriously evaluate whether or not you want a future with this man that you can’t trust. 

Keep us posted, and let us know how everything turns out.  

Post # 23
Member
357 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I like this quote-

 

The chief lesson I have learned in a long life is that the only way to make a man trustworthy is to trust him; and the surest way to make him untrustworthy is to distrust him and show your distrust.

Post # 24
Member
627 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Nothing he has done sounds weird or shady. It sounds like you have issues because he cheated on his girlfriend (on/off as they were) with you and you are worried that if you and he hit a rough patch he will be out telling another girl that you and he are over and that he is available. Maybe he will or maybe he won’t, but access to his phone won’t change that. If he is a cheater, he will cheat, if he is a good guy, he won’t. If he is a good guy, you should consider couples counseling so you can express to him how you are feeling and that he can see if he can modify his behavoir to appease your current trust issues. If you can’t trust him because you believe he will step out on you, kick him to the curve. 

Post # 25
Member
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

it sounds like you guys don’t have a very good relationship. you need to really be able to trust each other before you get married. if you must stay with this guy, then you two need to try to fix this (as in get a professionsl counselor).  but oh my goodness, don’t marry him if you can’t bring yourself to trust him!

Post # 26
Member
904 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m really sorry you’re going through everything. Personally, I would have a hard time going through with an engagement/wedding knowing all of these issues. I would definitely suggest seeing someone to work out both of your issues. 

Post # 27
Member
1084 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I read this and thought it applied:

“The next time he falls asleep, don’t look through his phone to see who he has been texting/calling. Don’t look on his page to see who his “friends” are. Don’t look in his wallet for a condom. Look in the damn mirror and ask yourself why are you in this relationship because once you have to do these things the relationship is done”.

Relationships are built on trust. It seems that there is none here, but there is a whole lot of resentment on both sides.

Post # 28
Member
2606 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

This guy can’t win with you, can he?  First, you snoop through his Facebook and find an e-mail that MAYBE crosses a line.  Saying, “Cute pics.  Call me sometime,” is hardly concrete proof of inappropriate behavior or even inappropriate intentions.  You make him send her a message clarifying his intentions were strictly work related, (which, btw, if he WAS cheating, he would just tell her you were hovering and made him send that the next time he saw her).  

The girl QUITS, and you’re suspicious of that.  She texts him, and yes, it was somewhat suspect, but he seemed to have a legitimate explanation for said text.  Then he PROPOSES to YOU, and you’re pissed about it?  Instead of being happy and excited and eagerly planning your marriage to the man you love, you’re feeling “blah” about the whole thing and refusing intimacy?  

He deletes his Facebook account, (Really????  You nagged him so badly he deleted his Facebook account?!), and you think he’s doing it to hide stuff.  

My God, woman!  What would the guy have to do to make you happy?  Sell the restaraunt/bar he owns and sit at home all day only having contact with you, and perhaps women related to either you or him?  

I don’t know if he’s cheating.  We can’t know that, since we don’t know the guy.  But he’s put up with an awful lot of your B.S., and he proposed to you.  Doesn’t really seem like the actions of a cheater to me.

Please, seek counseling.  You obviously have major trust issues, and you will carry these issues with you to any other relationship you enter in to.  Honnestly, I don’t see the one you’re in lasting much longer if you both continue on in this pattern.

Post # 29
Member
3218 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@dannielle89: I agree. 

OP, if you are worried he’s talking to other girls or feel you have to snoop, you shouldn’t marry him.  Regardless of whether he is actually talking to girls or cheating on you, the relationship isn’t stable or healthy if you are wondering. If you’re worried, one of you isn’t mature enough to be married.

If you’re determined to make it work, seek counseling.

Post # 31
Member
8736 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@glittergirl2: Actually I wouldn’t. I’d probably think he was planning a surprise for me or buying something for me he didn’t want me to know about. Or since his only phone is his work phone he was working on some highly sensitive client matter.

You need to work on your trust issues. 

If you cannot trust each other you cannot have a healthy relationship.

You need to learn to trust first before you can pledge yourself to someone else for life. 

I strongly suggest you seek counseling both for yourself and as a couple if there is any hope for this relationship.

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