(Closed) Trust issues from the beginning.. Where do we go from here? LONG..

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
1561 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I have no idea what my husband’s passwords are to anything, and I don’t care.  

Post # 33
Member
2783 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@glittergirl2: I’m sorry but “what’s mine is ours” doesn’t apply in the case of your phone or personal email. I know all my FI’s passwords-he’s given them to me over time when he needed me to get something out of his email when he was on the road, etc etc…but I’ve never used them, and I wouldn’t. My girlfriends text me all the time about problems, or things they want to chat about that frankly, are none of FI’s business, and I’m sure they wouldn’t like knowing I was showing him my phone all the time. I have nothing to hide, but it doesn’t mean we both aren’t entitled to privacey.

If you don’t trust him, then that is something you need to work on. I’m sorry, but you got into this relationship knowing he was with someone else, and if you couldn’t trust him, you shouldn’t have stayed, and certainly shouldn’t have accepted his proposal.

I would be embarassed if I nagged my Fiance so much he closed his FB account. He has a right to other relationships with people, and if he is a restaurant manager there will ALWAYS be young girls around-those are the people who works as waitresses. If you can’t handle it, then you need to either get counselling or end it. It’s not fair to him to make HIM pay for a text someone else sent.

Post # 34
Member
3218 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@KatNYC2011: I agree.  If my SO changed a password, I’d figure he was planning a surprise or dealing with sensitive information… heck, I’d be excited if he started acting sneaky because it probably means I’m getting a present!

OP, I’ve been there, though. I used to snoop on a ex, because he was flirting with other girls.  I can tell you that no amount of “trusting him” or becoming more confident would have prevented him from flirting or made me feel more secure in that relationship.  I had that “gut feeling” and read through his Facebook and we fought and fought.  As much as it sucks, I think you might be better off with someone else. 

In my current relationship, there is no “gut feeling” or anxiety or worry– my SO would never do something like that and it’s so refreshing to be in a secure and safe relationship.  You can find one!

Post # 35
Member
7371 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@sara_tiara: I’m sorry but “what’s mine is ours” doesn’t apply in the case of your phone or personal email. I know all my FI’s passwords-he’s given them to me over time when he needed me to get something out of his email when he was on the road, etc etc…but I’ve never used them, and I wouldn’t. My girlfriends text me all the time about problems, or things they want to chat about that frankly, are none of FI’s business, and I’m sure they wouldn’t like knowing I was showing him my phone all the time. I have nothing to hide, but it doesn’t mean we both aren’t entitled to privacy.

Thank you, word for word the same way I feel. I only know one of his passwords which is to log onto his computer, which I had to have because we had technical issues (I have no interest or desire to know any of his email or phone passwords and vice versa. None).

You willingly entered a relationship where things were little “in a grey area from the beginning. This relationship frankly sounds like it will not work in the long term, because its not working now. There is no trust and no matter what he does you will always find something wrong or to be supsicious about. And you fiance is the wrong one in the scenrious you described. He initiates and messages this girl 1st, compliments her, offers her his number but your upset at her and call her a ‘bitch’. Really? The fault lies with your fiance point blank. 

Post # 36
Member
309 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I will say this -beyond the snooping but just about what you saw- if I knew my fiance messaged a VERY young girl that she was looking attractive and gave her his number you could be DAMN sure I would not accept the excuse that it was for work purposes.

He owns a restaurant and bar.  They have work number sheets for that, and if they do not, at the very least he can give his number to the other employees with her AT work.  I call some serious BS from him on that one. 

Snooping is shady as hell OP, but I do not believe he had good intentions AT ALL on this point.

I would be wary of marrying a man that will likely end up in a workplace sexual harrassment suit as he is a manager acting like this to subordinates, and I think you just saw a window into what he is capable of…

But that is just my opinion.

Post # 38
Member
7371 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@dashwoodgirl: 100%. This a powder keg waiting to explode. Why would a resturant manager encourage a underage girl to come to bar? Why would it have to be empty in order for her too? Huh? Can’t the bar can lose its license and get in heap of trouble? This story doesn’t make any sense. Why kind of manager would take this risk–on business level? Either they are sleeping together or he’s just that stupid. Either way I wouldn’t stick around to find out. My bags would be packed.

Post # 39
Member
5976 posts
Bee Keeper

@dashwoodgirl: I totally agree with you. 

I think a lot of you are being a bit harsh on the OP. Yes, my Darling Husband and I share passwords for everything…mainly b/c we do a lot of our online banking and bills come straight to our emails. If something happened to either one of us, we woud be royally screwed not knowing the password to each other’s email addresses…

Regardless of that, I think dashwoodgirl hit the nail on the head. I call BS on all of his excuses. Yes, the OP might have trust issues, but wouldn’t you if your relationship started off by him seeing another girl at the same time he was seeing you? Sorry, but this guy is raising red flags all over the place, and though I think she’s approaching him about it the wrong way, she has a right to follow up on her gut feeling…which is that she doesn’t trust him.

Post # 40
Member
357 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I am surprised that there are not more people that relate with your going through. I have definitely been there and I don’t think it’s that uncommon that girls snoop. It may depend somewhat on everyones social habits, for example, if your SO worked Monday through Friday 9-5 and never left the house without you then obviously you wouldn’t think about it. But if your Fiance is a good looking successful guy who owns a bar and employees young good looking girls and works until 4 am occasionally your mind might go crazy while your at home by yourself…. I think everything your doing happens to a lot of girls, and a lot of girls I know. It isn’t healthy, obviously, but it is hard to control. I get you! the hard part is deciding if these are your issues or his or both. I suggest you both make an effort that would help….like if he did blah blah you would feel better and not freak out… Good luck, this is a very difficult situation and I know it’s exhausting to always have this crap on your mind!

Post # 41
Member
643 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

Personally, I think you have every right to be suspicious. It sounds like a lot of his actions are shady. I think it’s weird for him to partake in knowing that this girl is coming into his bar underage– he could lose his license. And a manager doesn’t say “cute pics, hit me up if you want” with an employee to be a good manager. There is more to those words. I won’t analyze every single situation, but I think you need to do a gut check and trust your gut. If your gut tells you that there’s something that isn’t right with this situation (which sounds like the case), then I think it’s time for you to step back and take some time away from him.

Sometimes, we get so caught up in things (like having someone love us, an engagement, planning a wedding) that we sometimes lose sight of OUR SELF. Perhaps taking some time away would do you good. Think about what you want in life. Think about how you deserve to be treated. Think about how you would like your relationship to be. And then ask yourself if he can give you these things.

If he can’t– then althought it might be hard to walk away, there IS someone out there who can.

You don’t want to go into this marriage with trust issues. They will only grow and get bigger.   You may want to consider some counseling as well. I know it can be expensive, but just a few sessions might help you get some outside perspective on this situation. GOOD LUCK to you.

Post # 42
Member
643 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

PS- And I think we all know that every relationship is different when it comes to phone, email passwords, etc. My husband uses my facebook regularly and I know it. I have used his email– when we were moving, I would log on and check it REGULARLY to make sure that “house related” stuff didn’t go by without me knowing about it. 

So some people DO share those things. Other couples don’t. But when you become extremely protective of it, or delete accounts, I think it is reasonable for the other person to become suspicious.

Post # 44
Member
309 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Okay sweetie, I say this gently… like HELL he doesn’t even remember that facebook drama. Didn’t he DELETE facebook over your grievances?  Seriously what a jackass.

This guy is a sexual harrassment lawsuit waiting to happen.

Do not peg your future happiness and financial security (his business) on someone who gaslights the hell out of you with this nonsense.

Life is SO short.  There is zero reason for you to spend another second checking up on this kid. KID- because he is acting like a damn child.

Also, let him know he is a walking stereotype for every scuzzy bar/restaurant owner out there.

 

Post # 45
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Trust your gut. Quit trying to convince him what he did is wrong. He will never understand (or try to understand) how you feel, because he doesn’t care. He wants you to get off his back so he can get back to being flirty, flirty. 

Trust your gut–get out.

Post # 46
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@glittergirl2: One of the hardest things to accept in a relationship is that the only person you can change is yourself.  If you want to fix the trust issues, then you have to start trusting.  I can’t imagine the exhaustion I would feel second guessing everything my Fiance said/did/didn’t do.  I don’t think lasting relationships are based in mistrust, so the first step is to figure out what you can change – and see where you want to go from there.  I don’t think anyone else’s level of trust in their relationship matters, if they do or don’t check their FI’s FB/Phone/Email, doesn’t really matter, because if your Fiance doesn’t WANT you to, then you can’t continue to cross those boundaries.  You either stop, or you get out of the relationship.

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