(Closed) HORRIBLE Christmas. Trust issues. Please help.

posted 6 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2082 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I think you hit the nail on the head about his self-sabotaging. The good news is that you don’t have to allow him to sabotage you, as well. I think there is a pattern of this behavior that likely will not end without some sort of intervention (counseling) or some major life changes.

Post # 4
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

This one is tough.  first off ((((HUGS)))) it sucks he’s away for so long.  I have a few questions and I’m not trying to be ….. ugh mean or whatever just want some info … .

what branch is he in?  where is he stationed and how old are y’all? 

My ex was a Wedding Party grad and LT. Col. Army so i’m just trying to help out .

 

Post # 5
Member
2446 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, especially over Christmas. 🙁

Unfortunately, it’s not very realistic for us to go into a marriage expecting that the other person is going to change. Think about how hard it is to change yoursef- and now imagine how difficult it would be to change another person.

How long is he deployed for? It sounds like perhaps it would benefit the two of you to go to some relationship counseling when he gets back.

Lots of hugs, and I hope your New Year is much better than your Christmas.

Post # 8
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Can you go for a long visit (say 1 month?) before uprooting your whole life? I’m concerned that you say the bad outweighs the good.  That is a bit of a red flag.  I’d hate for you to go to another country and then get stranded there with someone who makes bad decisions and doesn’t treat you as you deserve to be treated! 

Post # 10
Member
197 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I’m so sorry to have to say this but his behaviour is not of someone who is married but someone who is casually seeing a new “chick”. I hope that doesn’t hurt you but I’ve been involved in similar forms of relationships in the past where they just were not in the same place I was. I am thankful that those relationships didn’t work out because I am with the right man now.

Your husband is still very young and appears to still want to live the lifestyle of a 23 yrs old. Nothing wrong with it but his behaviour does not fit in with a healthy married relationship.

Blessings

Post # 12
Member
1384 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@littlefe:  Oh dear. I was in a LDR with a boy who was in the Air Force when I was younger. We got together just before I turned 19 and boy was I IN LOVE! So I thought. He was shady but I was too blinded by his looks and charms to see it, or believe it when my friends told me. Eight months later, he left to basic training and he was hell bent on getting married to me and he wanted me to be with him and so on. My family despised him so I had no support from them and eventually was asked to move out because they did not support my decision to be with him. He cheated on me from day one and it got worse when he left. Most young people in military relationships/marriages pay a high price to be together with having to be apart for so long, and it’s hard enough as it as when you’re a stable adult, it’s even worse when you’re so young and want to go out and havea good time. Things were great when we were together, but just HELL when we were apart. I was with him for two years when I’d had enough. I weighed 80 lbs and had no personality and was just a miserable freaking wreck. I thank God I didn’t have any children with him because I’d still have to communicate with him if we did. 

I’d hate to see your marriage end so soon, but from my personal experience, we were both way too young to be so serious. Also, he has a cheating problem and that’s not something that will change and I can’t blame it on him being in the military. That’s just him. And he was always adding and talking to and hanging out with random girls he met online, too so I know how badly that hurts. You’re still young and have no children, I say run. I am against divorce 100%, but I’ve been where you are and I don’t wish what I went through on you and you’re in control of what happens next. Try counseling and all of those things, but he is who he is and I think you know that but don’t want to accept it, just like I didn’t want to accept it.

One day you’ll meet a man who knows your worth and you’ll understand why things weren’t meant to be with your husband. I’m sorry but when you have more bad than good, it’s time to leave. 

Post # 14
Member
221 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Ok, take a deep breath and step back for a minute. You don’t have to decide all this now. It sounds like you have serious communication issues, and he definitely needs to work on himself and the relationship. But you must be feeling incredibly emotional and vulnerable. Your new husband left 2 days after your wedding and you had a fight at Christmas, your first Christmas that you are spending without him. So take care of yourself, pamper yourself for a few days. Let him calm down, and give him time to think about his latest actions.

 

Then you can start deciding. You may have to give up on him, but you may be able to make it work. Counseling is a great start, and you’re both young – you’re married now, and you sound like you have it in you to approach this first hurdle level-headed and ready to work on whatever it is that you both need to work on.

 

Bottom line is: you’ll be ok. You are not feeling great at the minute, and you have gone through a horrible time at the worst possible time. Other posters have amazing advice, some from personal experience, but right now, you need to just take care of yourself, physically and emotionally, to be able to cope with this. But you’ll be fine, one way or the other.

 

Good luck x

Post # 15
Member
1384 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@littlefe:  Do you REALLY want to spend the rest of your life getting hurt over and over again if he’s an idiot and has no idea how to think about consequence? Honestly, it sounds like you are coming up with ways to defend him just like I did with my ex. And I always said that he wasn’t that type of guy and that he always gave my friends the best advice, and he really did. He just sucked at practicing what he preached. I couldn’t do it anymore. At age 19-21, I just couldn’t live with his bad track record and him putting me in tears every single night. It’s not a healthy way to live. 

I still have some pain that I carry from the days that I was with him and probably always will because I was so in love with him and wanted him to be the one. I was infatuated with him; I would die for him and almost did. At the end of the day, you have to choose yourself and your well-being over any man because he will make you sick. And God forbid that he does cheat or has cheated, you’re putting your body at risk by being with your husband. I mean any man can go out and cheat, but IMO, it’s more likely that a young man with needs will cheat when his gf/fi/wife can’t be there. I’ve been on the cheated side and I’m lucky that I never got anything. He once made a comment saying “it’s not cheating if I use a condom” and I’m pretty sure he was making an admission to me trying to pass it off as a joke.

I hope that he doesn’t become resentful for you asking him to seek therapy as this is something to be ashamed of while in the military. I hope none of this blows up in your face and hurts you more even though you’re just trying your best to make things work. I know your heart is in a good place. I truly wish everything works out for you. I just hope that the end result outweighs the pain for you. Feel free to PM me if you ever need.

Post # 16
Member
197 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@littlefe:  Like some of the other posts have said I don’t think you should do anything rash right now. Your emotions are high and I always say don’t ever make big decisions when your upset.

I would take some time and allow him to show you who he is without your input or pushing. Allow time for him to come to you and see what his attitude is like. If you don’t hear from him or he continues the way he has then you’ll make your decisions around that, if he comes to you and wants to work on your marriage then you work together around what he’s offering of himself.

Remember that “life will resolve itself in the process of life itself” so with or without your stress levels; your marriage will be what it needs to be. Try practising mindfulness where you can see your situation from a higher awareness or situational detachment – or as a third person if you will.

PS – I think he may be emotionally neglecting you and neglect is one form of abuse.

The topic ‘HORRIBLE Christmas. Trust issues. Please help.’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors