(Closed) Trust issues

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Should I stay or should I go?
    Stay, work it out! : (2 votes)
    2 %
    Go, move on! : (94 votes)
    98 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    613 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2009

    @salsarita, my heart goes out to you.

    But what type of advice are you looking for?  That you should leave him?  You should.  That he is lying to you and will continue to lie to you?  He will.  Im sure all of your friends and family have told you the same thing.  Ultimately, this is your decision because this is your life.  It seems as though this behavior has been going on for some time.  I doubt things will change.  So you can either a) continue to deal with it or b) take ownership of your life and happiness.

    Best of luck to you

    Post # 4
    Bee
    11826 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2009 - Barr Mansion

    The trust issues aren’t your fault!  He has lied to you and betrayed you–no wonder you don’t trust him.  Get out, and the sooner the better! 

    Post # 5
    Member
    1276 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    Hmmm…I suspect some of the encore brides with kids would have better advice, but I don’t think ending your relationship with him means that your child cant’ have him as a father.  Of course it’ll be different than you both living together with the baby, but that isn’t necessarily worse.  If your relationship isn’t good and he disrespects you, your child will pick up on that. 

    You are hurting and he hasn’t done anything to show that he’s sorry or willing to change…so I think you need to remove yourself from the situation.  If he wants to be a father to your baby, he will continue to be one regardless of whether you are still together.

    Post # 7
    Member
    428 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2009 - Church Ceremony/Reception at The Waterford House

    Sweetie, I am so sorry you are going through this… ESPECIALLY after having his child!!! I’m not sure I can give you any advice other than go with your gut feeling- it’s usually right.  The other advice I will give is to make use of your support system: your friends and family will help you get through it if you decide to leave… you’re don’t have to go it alone!  Good Luck!

    Post # 8
    Member
    37 posts
    Newbee

    Hi Salsarita,

    I would say leave him.  You should read my other post on "How can I trust him again?"  My husband talked to 5 other girls behind my back and tells them he is single.  I too was being nosey one day when I notice he was searching for a girl’s name on myspace and google.  Some girl that lives in Anaheim.  So then I went to look at the phone bill.  Indeed that I found out my husband had been talking a girl in Anaheim.  I took that number and grab his cell phone one day when he was showering.  Indeed those names match the name he typed in the search.  I called that girl and she told me she had no idea he was married.  She said that he was going after her and that he said he was single.  They had been talking to each other 2 months practically everyday and went out as a group 3 or 4 times.  She was the only girl going out with him and his guy friends.  If you read my post, you will see that others have suggested me to leave.  NOT only is my husband behavior like that, he is also verbally and physically abusive.  The physical was more like pushing and grabbing.  Because of all the advice I have here at wedding bee, I have finally gathered the courage to leave.  I just told my husband today that I want a divorce.  So please follow your heart for what you feel is right.  Mine said to leave because I deserve better.

     

    Post # 9
    Member
    214 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2009

    I have to agree with the sound advice given by the other ladies here. It sounds like your instincts are telling you what to do but you just need that PUSH to finally do it!

    I definitely understand that having a child complicates matters but I agree that you can still have your child’s father in your son’s life without being involved in a romantic relationship with him. And no matter what happens in your relationship, your son will be fully aware of how much love you have for him!

    Post # 10
    Member
    563 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    Here are a few questions that a cheating guy needs to answer correctly before you can try to fix your relationship:

    How does he feel about his behavior? 

    Is he trying to analyze the causes of his behavior and prevent it from happening again? 

    Does he understand how much he has hurt you, and is he willing to do anything to make you feel better?

     

    If the answer to these questions are that he thinks his behavior is fine, that he has no interest in changing his behavior and he doesn’t care about how much he has hurt you (or thinks it is your fault for being oversensitive) then I’m afraid that there isn’t much of a foundation for a successful marriage.

     

    Post # 11
    Member
    92 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: July 2009

    ok first of all, it doesn’t matter how you found all the evidence, he’s the one lying. you are not at fault at all! i agree with beagle, follow your gut. i would love to tell you to leave, but you know your situation far better than me. while having your child grow up with  split parents may be hard, it may be far harder to grow up in a disrupted home based on lies. good luck sweetheart! we’re here for you!

    Post # 12
    Member
    2434 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2008

    Sorry you’re going through this.  I couldn’t live with my husband if he was doing the things you’ve mentioned.

    Post # 13
    Member
    1018 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2010

    Hey sweetie, So sorry you are going through this! A couple of things:

     You say you only found things because you were looking. DO NOT let yourself fall into the trap of thinking that ignorance is bliss and you’d be happier if you hadn’t found what you did. When things are rotten under the surface it is only a matter of time before it comes to the surface. And it is much better that you know these things now when you can make the decision to deal with this before it affects your life and your child’s life in a really bad way.

    I think it is wonderful that you want to make sure your son has a relationship with his father. But it is just as important that you show your son what it means to be a strong, self-respecting woman. Teach him through your actions what that women deserve nothing less than the best from their parners. And teach him to be the kind of man his father has not been.

    Take care!

    Miss Rain

    Post # 14
    Member
    898 posts
    Busy bee

    Although there may still be a "good side" to V, nobody should have to leave with the fear of history repeating, and that is exactly what you will be doing.

    I think it’s perfectly acceptable that you would not want to break up your family, but what kind of family allows this type of behavior? I had divorced parents, and my father was still a huge part of my life. That’s a choice your man will just have to make. But you’re the one who will make a decision in your child’s best interest.

    As others said above, go with your gut. Your family may want you to work it out, but in the end, I’m sure your friends and family will support you as long as the decision you make is the best one for you and your child.

    Post # 15
    Member
    2022 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I am so sorry that you are being treated this way.  I think that in your heart you probably know the right thing to do is to leave him.  He does not sound that he is a mature enough individual to be in a committed relationship right now.

    Wish you the best!

    Post # 16
    Bee
    1048 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2009 - City Hall

    I’m the same as you. At least, I used to be. I’d stay and stay and stay. Past relationships? 5 years (and he was emotionally abusive) and 4 years (and he was not right for me at all). I too am 26. Trust me when i say… if you’re having these issues now, it’s probably not going to get better. There are always exceptions, but it seems like your gut is telling you differently. And if he IS cheating, then is he really a good role model for your son to have? Your son deserves to grow up in a happy household and parents who have a loving, heatlhy relationship. Do you think that can be acheived with your current situation? If you do, then stay and work it out. Get counseling and find honesty in your relationship. If you don’t, then you owe it to yourself and your son to carve a new path.

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