(Closed) Trust Issues/Caught Snooping

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

If you thought snooping through his phone was going to end your relationship then it doesn’t sound very solid in the first place.

My Fiance could not care less if I looked through his phone but I don’t. Even engaged people are entitled to a modicum of privacy. 

You were right about one thing, their relationship is none of your business. They are trying to raise children together and be friendly with one another. She can want him back all she wants, he doesn’t want her. He is being nice and friendly for the sake of his children. You are nosing into his business. Stay out of it.

All you can do is show him over time how you trust him, there are no shortcuts.

Post # 3
Member
834 posts
Busy bee

You have already resolved the issue so he needs to stop bringing it up. You can not rehash old topics and expect them to go away; he needs to drop it. You know what you did was wrong, and that you wouldn’t do it again. Trust is something that is built over time. If someone trusts you in the beginning, before any damage has been done, that is not something that was asked for, it happened over time. It needs to be that way again. You cannot request that he trusts you, you just have to show him. 

Post # 4
Member
9529 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
juliaGG:  +1. it takes time for trust to rebuild, there’s nothing you can do to snap your fingers and make things how they used to be. 

I’ll also comment on two other things. First, “I really do trust him. Its moreso her.”

If you really trusted him, it wouldn’t matter if she were butt naked and climbing on top of him IMO. But I see things like this said all the time here, so maybe that’s just me. 

Second, “Also explained that if he wanted to ‘play around’ that he could, but I’m gone.”

I feel like people say things like this often when upset and I’d try to avoid it (things like, “Well you can do all you want of Z, but you’ll be doing Z alone cuz I’m walking!”). Just saying, “No, I won’t tolerate Z if we are in a relationship” instead comes off as more adult. 

Post # 5
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

View original reply
TheGridMonster:  “If you really trusted him, it wouldn’t matter if she were butt naked and climbing on top of him IMO. But I see things like this said all the time here, so maybe that’s just me.”

Yes. I will never understand this thought process.

I have split custody and I am very friendly with my son’s dad. I also have an ex from an 8 year relationship who I am very close to, I was never married to either. In both instances there have been girlfriends that insisted we were out of line when really they just hated it that we were friends and read into everything WAY too much. Any joke was “flirting” and any text between the hours of X and Y was “inappropriate”. All I can say is that I’m still friends with both of them and the girls who didn’t like it are long gone.

Post # 6
Member
609 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I do exactly the same thing that you did (pick up my FI’s phone to read a message out loud to her if she’s busy, especially if it’s from her mum or something). Last year, when she was waiting to hear if she got her current job, I’d check her phone literally every time it went off, hoping it was an email to interview/confirming she got the job. She doesn’t have any issue with it at all. She does the same thing for me too, although not a lot of people message me haha. I’ve never snooped through her phone though, and I have no interest in doing so. I know she isn’t hiding anything and everyone deserves privacy too.

 

It sounds like your boyfriend has let this go, and you need to as well, if you want this relationship to work.

Post # 7
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee

What bothers me is the first thing he asked you was “What did you read?”  Suspicious – as if he wants to know exactly how much he has to own up to.

Why are you swearing to never look at his phone again, and why are you upset he wasn’t mad at you? That I don’t understand.  He’s been fielding late-night phone calls with his ex and texting her “playfully”, so the trust has been compromised – why are you the one in the wrong??

Too may women are the snooping martyr.  My parents have been married for 30+ years, share computers, phone usage, etc.  When there’s nothing to hide, there’s nothing to hide.

Post # 8
Member
3304 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

It’s not the snooping, it’s the fact that you felt compelled to snoop. It suggests that at a basic level you don’t trust him. You can either deal with how he is with his ex or you can’t, it’s that simple.

Post # 9
Member
3242 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

View original reply
Mrs_Purple:  yay! Me and DH are like this too. 

Post # 11
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

“But when I read, “I’ll be home early to lay down with you” that flirting crosses the line IMO (she works evenings at a bar and watches DS at his place since she doesn’t have a place of her own).”

I’m confused here. That line does sound very incriminating but you didn’t mention anything like that in your original post. So she spends the night at his house?

Post # 12
Member
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

How does one “watch their son”? She’s not a babysitter. Do they live together?

Post # 13
Member
11385 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
oklahomagirl1147:  PP covered it, but I would add that when a man calls his previous partner needy, I often hear that as an excuse for his inability to set boundaries. Also, it’s possible he liked that neediness and is good at making his partner feel insecure. 

A lot of men say that about their ex, yet they cater to her at the same time. Make of that what you will, but don’t blame her for it.

Post # 14
Member
9529 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I feel like you’re trying to be the “cool girlfriend.” You keep saying that you trust him, but then say that you have had “months of frustration” and keep detailing things that bother you about this ex. Sorry, but all signs point to you not trusting him, no matter how much you say you do.

There are clearly still issues to be resolved before you both can move on. If you try sweeping it under the rug now, I can guarantee it’ll come up again next week/next month/next year.

Post # 15
Member
492 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I don’t understand the guilt women have with “snooping”. Trust is earned and when you have it there is no reason to snoop but if you feel the need to there is usually a reason why. My fiance and I agreed at the beginning of our relationship that we need to be open completely. That includes phones, emails etc. We are a team and if there is nothing to hide there is no reason I can’t look at his phone or messages. The second he gets upset if I look at his phone or locks it without giving me the password we have a serious issue and it goes both ways.

Privacy is not for communication with someone of the opposite sex when you are in a relationship.  I would be demanding to see all of their messages and tell him that I need to have access to his phone and he can have access to mine. No secrets.

You look at his phone, find something wrong and you feel bad and hope he’s not mad at you? How backwards is that? IMO you need to stop feeling guilty about this you did nothing wrong.

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