Post # 1
My step dad and I have a really close relationship. I consider him more of a dad than my biological dad. If I ever have a problem with my SO, I usual come to him to vent or ask for advice because I consider him my dad.
Unfortunately, in my step dad’s previous marriage, his wife had an affair with another man, divorced him, and now he has this “trust no one” attitude when it comes to other people. I have a few trust issues of my own from previous relationships, but I’m trying to work through them with a counseler so I don’t bring unnecessary baggage into my relationship with me SO, who I love and trust more than anyone. You know how with some people, you can just feel it in your bones that you can trust them, and they would never do anything to hurt you? I’ve never felt that with anyone before my SO. My step-dad, however, is not so sure.
My SO has never given me a reason not to trust him, but if I bring up something my SO does that upsets me, my step-dad’s initial reaction is “Are you sure there isn’t another girl?” “Well, are you sure they’re just friends?” “As long as YOU believe him…” I find this a little inappropriate. He’s just constantly suspicious of everyone and I don’t think it’s right for him to try to convince me not to trust him when I’ve struggled for years trying to let people in. If I get hurt, so be it, but I’m not going to walk around paranoid every day like he does. On a side note, he and my mom joined facebook a few months ago, which I knew would spell disaster, but they did it anyway. My mom accepted a friend request from a guy she knew in high school and my step dad FLIPPED OUT and started accusing her of having an affair and all this stuff that wasn’t even remotely true.
I know he means well by trying to protect me, but I really feel like my step-dad is just complicating things by having such a pessimistic attitude towards my relationship. I could understand for some guys I’ve dated before because they were doucebags who I never should have even given the time of day, but my SO is different. I’m keeping my wits about me, but I’m not going to accuse him of things if he doesn’t give me any reason to.
How do I maintain a good relationship with my step dad, even though I’m afraid his paranoia is going to spoil our friendship?
Post # 3
Stop venting to him about your SO.
Or, tell him to knock it off.
Post # 4
@OneOfTheseDaysAlice: Rule of thumb for life: Never talk about your relationship issues with any parental-type person unless you’re fully prepared for the fallout. Parental types are protective and will only remember the negative stuff you tell them about your SO, never the positive. You can’t erase those words so don’t say them to begin with.
Keep your problems and issues with your SO between the two of you, or talk to a non-judgmental peer. Or vent here on the Bee.
If you talk about your relationship issues with a parental-unit it will always eventually bite you in the butt.
Post # 5
I thought this was going to be about the X-Files. =(
I think people who react like that are insecure in their own relationships.
Post # 6
@OneOfTheseDaysAlice: Easy – stop talking to him about your relationship issues.
I don’t talk to my mom about any problems I might be having with my bf. If I did, I know she’d go on the ‘he’s too old for you’ ‘he’s X, Y, Z’ blah blah blah. Some people just aren’t good to talk to for these things.
I try to keep any problems within my relationship. It’s ok to get an outside perspective on some things, but we generally try to solve our own problems. I guess I am a private person.
Post # 8
@peachacid: Oh…sorry…I was afraid of that..haha
@Sunfire: I understand. I guess because I’ve been coming to them my whole life, it just seems natural to talk to them about my relationship as well. My mom and my step-dad are also my best friends, so it will be hard not to come to them, but I guess there is some stuff I don’t always have to tell them.
Post # 9
@axeyourmakeupkit: This. Don’t talk to him about this stuff anymore.
Post # 10
@Sunfire: +1 million
I learned that lesson the hard way. Even parents who don’t have trust or relationship issues immediately go on the defensive when it comes to their children. If you consistently go to a parent when you’re having problems or concerns or doubts in your relationship, that’s what they’ll start to associate with your SO. No matter how many good, wonderful things there are about your SO, parents will always remember and dwell on the bad things, because they are protective and don’t want anyone to hurt you.
This could be exacerbated by your stepdad’s issues. Honestly, based on the things you described, he doesn’t sound like the best person to give you advice, and if you want him to view your SO as the awesome person he is, you need to leave off with sharing your problems with your stepdad.
Post # 11
@OneOfTheseDaysAlice: I think everyone learns this lesson the hard way, lol. With my first marriage I vented to my Mom (bless her sweet heart) and she could not STAND him after that. She was right about him, but that’s another story.
Only say positive things about your SO and your relationship to your Mom and Stepdad from now on. Unless you’re ready to break up with him, then you can let loose all you want. 😉
If you need to vent about him come to us or a trusted friend who doesn’t feel “parental” towards you.
Post # 12
@OneOfTheseDaysAlice: Yeah, it can be hard when you are used to sharing stuff. But for me, I’ve found that sometimes they just can’t let go of any perceived negativity I’ve expressed and they’ll bring it up again in the future, even if it bears no relevance and the problem has been resolved.
You said you’re working with a counselor, which is great, so maybe just stick with expressing concerns there from here on out!