(Closed) Trusting my SO

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
98 posts
Worker bee

There is some seriously good advice on here OP – I also found out our end of 2015 timeline is not going to be met so I completely understand your frustration – it’s not necessarily the waiting, as in the amount of days, it’s the waiting and not having a say and being told to keep quiet about it that really grated on me personally.  I have my own timeline in my head of how long SO has to get his act together and I will not be keeping quiet about the topic after our original timeline passes.  I also submit my own thought that SOs are not allowed to complain about pressuring once the time for a natural progression of the relationship has passed and they’ve begun dragging their feet.  Good luck and I’m glad you were able to talk everything out and get some perspective.  Hugs!

Post # 17
Member
503 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Friendship Plaza

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AngelWingz:  “it’s the waiting and not having a say and being told to keep quiet about it that really grated on me”

^^^ THIS. So much this. Especially when in every other aspect of your relationship it’s no-holds barred as far as communication, to suddenly have a topic (and arguably the most important topic) be verboten, is ridiculously weird.

 

 

Post # 18
Member
98 posts
Worker bee

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thessely:  Yeah that has been a major problem for me – I am a type A planner who does not like having no control and no say in a situation.  When it’s little things, I have no problem letting it go, but when it’s something that affects both of us long term, it makes me so uncomfortable not being able to discuss, plan, and talk things through.

Post # 19
Member
1161 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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cscrter2:  Loved this comment from AngelWingz: “it’s not necessarily the waiting, as in the amount of days, it’s the waiting and not having a say and being told to keep quiet about it that really grated on me personally.”

I felt the exact same way when DH and I were talking engagement a few years ago. I wanted marriage/engagement to be a joint decision and even though he was saying that he saw marriage in our future, I didn’t like not having a say in when we would start truly planning for it. I never cared about the “proposal”. I just wanted it to be official so we could officially start planning. There were a lot of fights and arguments and him saying that I needed to trust him, but I feel no regret in bringing it up, and you shouldn’t either. It took a lot of conversations to help him understand that I didn’t want some surprise proposal, because I didn’t want this particular life decision to be a surprise. Best of luck – and please post an update when you can.

Post # 20
Member
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

OP let me first say that you sound lovely ๐Ÿ™‚  Not just the Peace Corp- though that in itself is very admirable- but in your willingness to be smart, kind, rational & to willing to talk things out & find a resolution that makes you both happy. Please keep us updated!

I would also like to point out that while, yes there are some women out there who expect (to quote one Bee’s awesome line) ‘a manicure, a spa day, & a scavenger hunt through Paris’ there are also many women who just want honest conversation about their mutual future & would not only be fine with a sweet and simple proposal but would actually prefer it over delays and mindgames simply because their SO is the one who has bought into the notion that a proposal has to be some elaborate Youtube worthy event that is somehow a complete and utter surprise to the person he has been with for years. *eyeroll*

This is not, in any way, intended to take ‘his moment’ away from him. He can still plan the date/time/location of the proposal, he can choose the ring himself if he wants-  but so many guys just don’t get how the waiting stage can feel because to them, if they’re sincere in their desire to marry, it’s a ‘planning stage’ not a waiting stage. But for women used to being treated as equals, it is so counter-intuitive for them to revert into a state of limbo waiting for the man to unilaterally make all the decisions without her even knowing what those decisions are.

Post # 21
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

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cscrter2:  I think most of the advice that can be given has been given, but I just wanted to say something about your comments about him waiting for you during Peace Corps service (I also served in the Peace Corps from ’08-’11, good to see another RPCV on here! ๐Ÿ™‚ ).

You made a comment that you feel “guilty” about thinking about ending the relationship because he waited for you that whole time while you were completing service…I honestly believe that you don’t “owe” him anything for that time. He was with you because he loves you and wanted to be with you – he made that decision and I’m sure he would not see it as time wasted by any means. Likewise, you don’t owe him for traveling to see you, I’m sure it was an amazing experience to share your host country and your life there no matter what the future holds. If this is the right relationship for you then you should most definitely fight for it, but if it’s not, you shouldn’t feel like you have to fight because you feel guilty (not saying this is the case at all, I just wanted to say that in case it was in the back of your mind).

It sounds like you guys are working through things and moving in a positive direction, I just wanted to throw this out there in the off-chance that the new discussions don’t go well and you are back to making a decision. I wish you all the amazingness in the world and all the happiness life can hold – with the right person who makes your heart soar (hopefully this guy ๐Ÿ˜‰ ). I hope your new talks go really well! Keep us posted about how it turns out!

Post # 25
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

response to your updates: just don’t move in with him. Just stay where you are and let him deal with the consequences. If he breaks up with you because you are long distance, then you will know where you stand. If he then proposes and sets a date, then great, carry on. 

Post # 26
Member
3791 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

So here’s the thing: you’ve been together for 5 years, he stuck with you through the Peace Corps, and he’s STILL not ready for marriage???  Oh come on.  I know you want to be the “cool” girlfriend who is comfortable taking the possibility of engagement off the table, but you don’t have to be.  Your feelings and opinons matter!  If you are ready for engagement then TELL HIM.  Obviously what you’re doing right now isn’t working, you feel even more resentment towards him.  It’s been 5 YEARS.  You aren’t crazy for your expectations and want for an engagement…plus you say your original timeline was the end of the year.  Well the end of the year is a week from now…I think it’s time to re-visit the timeline talk.

Plus I DO NOT understand his reasoning for not wanting to be engaged prior to moving to a new city.  Ummmm…ok?  What difference does it make if you move to the same city as boyfriend/girlfriend or as an engaged couple?  If anything engagement gives you both reason to move to the same spot.  A long distance engagement wouldn’t be all that different than the long distance relationship you had when you were in the Peace Corps.

I dunno.  I feel like he is finding excuses here that make zero sense.  I get not being in a rush but at the same time, I feel like maybe he is wanting things to be just perfect before proposing.  Well…life doesn’t work that way.  Things don’t work out as you expect them to.  If he waits for the “perfect” time he will be pushing this off for forever.

He isn’t some delicate flower that you have to take care of, he’s a grown ass man who isn’t exactly acting like a grown ass man.  Put engagement on the table.  Talk to him about it.  Tell him how important marriage is to you.  Establish a timeline.  If he is unwilling to work that out with you, that tells you a lot about his dedication (or lack thereof) to you.

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