(Closed) Trustworthiness…

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
7609 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

there have been many times since when I have caught him lying about much less serious things

That’s all I needed to hear.  If he lies to you all the time, you CANNOT expect that he will stop just because you are getting married.  The masturbation thing wouldn’t be a big deal to me, but I think that’s a whole different subject here.  The lying would be a deal breaker for me and I would leave.  I know it’s almost impossible for you to see beyond him since you’re so young and he’s been in your life for so long but please believe me when I tell you it gets a whole lot better and that there are a million guys out there who won’t lie to you or try to cheat on you while you’re on vacation.

Post # 4
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2012

if he is lying to you he isn’t being very good to you. I’m really sorry your going through, but i think if he is lying now he is going to lie forever. Some of it may be his age.. guys are slower to mature then women he is young. But if you can’t trust him to tell you the truth how can you trust to spend the rest of your life with him?

Post # 5
Member
2125 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Hey you, I’m not so concerned about the masterbation than I am about his past lying, and also that he sort of abandoned you at one time. Also, you both are very young. I truly feel that if you don’t have trust in a marriage, you don’t have anything firm to stand on. Your spouse should be the one you trust 100%, more than your parents, siblings, best friend. I feel like you guys might consider holding off on marriage, and taking some time to think about if it’s what you really want.

How did you guys decide to get married might I ask? Also, what about him makes you feel like he would make a good husband? Just some thought provoking questions.

Post # 6
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Lying is a no go for me personally.

Masturbation, well… I wouldn’t try to be controlling about that if I was asking someone to wait until the wedding.

Post # 7
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

If you can’t trust him, you might not want to marry him. Just because you spend 4 years with someone doesn’t mean you have to be with them forever. If it’s not right, it’s not right.  As another poster stated, he won’t stop lying bc you marry him. It would probably continue and it might get worse. You just don’t know what will happen. 

As far as the masturbating thing, I don’t think it’s fair for you to tell your 20 year old Fiance that he can’t masturbate until after you are married. I don’t understand why you would have a problem with him masturbating. It’s normal and healthy. Besides that, he’s 20 years old, what do you expect? He needs to masturbate. He’s a 20 year old guy!You wedding date is still two months away. I don’t think you are being realistic about that at all!!

As far as him not using your computer, he def shouldn’t be doing that.

Post # 8
Member
494 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Agree with PP’s about the jerking off situation.  I think it’s extremely unreasonable to dictate your partner’s masturbation habits.  His lying isn’t cool and I think you need to cut your losses and move on. 

Post # 9
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Also, you said you had a procedure that left you looking not so hot. Did you ask him why he didn’t come around during that time? It could be that he didn’t feel comfortable or know how to act around you. He may not have ever been around someone in that situation. It’s very common for people to not know how to handle those things. It may not have been malicious.

Post # 10
Member
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

He has to stop lying.  I don’t understand why people lie about “less serious stuff.”  Just like PPs said, he won’t stop lying just because you get married. 

I understand you have been dating a long time, but it seriously does still sound like he is an immature boy.  Not saying he will always be like this, but if you get married now, I fear for you he will keep doing what he’s always done (lie) and he will never grow out of it.  You’ve always forgiven him for it, so what’s the reason to stop?

I understand some people feel very uncomfortable about masturbating.  To each their own and I respect that.  However, you do have to realize you are asking a *prime* 20 year old to not have sex with anyone for MONTHS, so please understand his side that he is going to naturally be horny.  If you really want to wait until your wedding night, then I would be a little flexible with the masturbating. 

Truthfully, if you are questioning at all marrying him, then I don’t think you should.  You need to be 100% confident, all in, when you get married.  If you’re not, I only feel like problems, worries, concerns, and hurt grow, because now you’re married and these things don’t change just because of that.

Good luck dear!!

Post # 11
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@thenuggetbride:  This. Especially since he was so young at the time.

Post # 12
Member
5237 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

@KatyElle:  Yup.

Lying is a no-go. If you cannot have total trust in your partner, it is time to move on. To me it does not matter eve if they are “less serious things”…trust and honesty is one of the foundation blocks of a healthy and happy relationship/marriage. Marriage is NOT going to turn him into an honest person or suddenly create a bond of trust between you.

I do not know how to tell you how to deal with the lack of trust as I would not stay if there was no trust. I suppose you can try counseling, but I would encourage it more for YOU than anything to develop healthy boundaries and expectations. I know it is hard to believe now, but I am pretty positive there is better out there for you. You do not need to marry this guy just as you have been dating “such and such” number of years. It sounds like things started shaky to begin with (he disappeared due to your surgery? Yikes!) and I just do not see that strong foundation. All relationships require mutual effort to remain healthy and connected, but it should not require force to fit it into something it is not! That just does not ever work!

If there is doubt, don’t.

As for the masturbation…people masturbate. Men AND women and it is perfectly healthy and natural whether they are single, dating, married, abstinent or having sexual intercourse or other sexual activities with a partner. I think it is highly controlling to dictate whether your partner can or cannot masturbate, whether you were “waiting” for the wedding or not.

Post # 13
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think the masturbating is the straw that broke the camel backs, but not the issue like others have said it’s the lying. What concerns me most is you said he lying about things that don’t even matter. If he can’t be honet about the little unimportant things, I can’t imagine what would happen with big seriousvimportant  things that would happen. Only you can decide for yourself if you are you ready to marry someone who shown you by his past actions that he is untrustworthy.

Post # 14
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Take some time to be sure, there’s no rush to get married. If you are getting married so young so that you can have sex, believe me that’s a poor reason to get married. The issues you have with him won’t go away once your married so take the time for you both to work on them. It will give you both some time to grow and hopefully someday things will be the way your hoping. On the other side of this for some reason when we’re young we believe that these relationships are supposed to lead to marriage, but sometimes it’s ok that they don’t . Dating when your young should be practice for the real thing, and most times boyfriends shouldn’t make it past being a boyfriend. As for the masturbating, he’s a 20 year old guy, your expecting to much.

Post # 15
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Though no one likes to live in their past reading your post brought me right back there. My first marriage (I was 22) I married a guy I had dated since I was 18. Like you we had previously dated and broke up due to his lies. I married him anyways …there were lots of little lies that I never understood and those little lies turned into bigger ones. Long story short after 3 years of marriage I left him and filed for divorce because his pathological little lies turned into adultery. I warn you only because I so wish someone would have warned me. While it is your life to live, and you have to make the right decision for your heart I urge you with all of mine to please think long and hard about what you are doing.

Post # 16
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

I’m not sure you guys sound ready for marriageyet

Although if his lying is about the masturbation, well, you can’t really expect a 20 year old guy to not masturvate if he isn’t having sex. That is pretty naive.  20 year old guys are really horny, and you should try to understand that.

If he is lying about other stuff, big red flag.  That is not how to start a marriage.

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