(Closed) Trying (and failing) not to cry.

posted 8 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 17
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Yikes. Sorry to hear about your sister’s lack of judgment. But it sounds to me like your fear and anxiety about having trouble getting pregnant is being projected on your sister. In other words, your emotions around your difficulty getting pregnant has nothing to do with your sister. 

So try to get a handle on yourself. If you need to work out your fears and past issues, see a counselor or therapist. Do whatever you can do to work out your own stuff in a healthy manner.

As far as your sister goes, she’s of the age that if she really wants to ram her head against the wall, she will and no one can stop or convince her otherwise. Give her the respect of experiencing her own mistakes. Otherwise you’re just going to upset yourself more. And getting panicked about your sister in this way is not only futile, but unhealthy for you — and will make getting pregnant harder for you. They say the best state of mind to be in when you’re trying to get pregnant is a calm one.

Besides, your sister doesn’t need your resentments and hysteria right now. It sounds like she’s looking for attention and anyone looking for attention is desperately trying not to have to deal with their own feelings about themselves. The best thing you can do is take very good care of yourself by making emotionally sound choices for yourself and lead by example. When your sister isn’t getting the attention she is used to, she is more likely going to be willing to take a look at herself and her own behavior because her car-crash mentality isn’t working for her anymore. 

Of course, this doesn’t mean seeing your sister make horrible decisions in her life won’t be painful for you, but realizing you actually have no control over her is the first step to both of you loving one another more. And the sooner you realize this, the sooner your sister is more likely to change. You see, the more enmeshed we are with our family, the more we enable their bad behavior and dangerous actions. So, in essence, the more you act on your panic to “save” her, the worse you are going to make the situation for her. Don’t feed the flame.

Detachment is not caring less, it’s caring more for my own serenity. That way I can be of enough sound mind that I can recognize when others, living more turbulent lives, finally hit bottom and are willing to ask for real help rather than just for more attention. Only your sister can determine how far down her bottom is. And you don’t want to be so exhausted that when your sister is really ready for help, you are all tapped out.

 

Post # 18
Member
4500 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I understand that you’re upset (I struggled with TTC for a very long time and was sad when others got prgnant — I still kind of am, for whatever reason), but I doubt your 14 year-old sister got pregnant to spite you. This is something that’s happening to her, not you — imagine how terrified and who-knows-what-else she’s feeling. You have the opportunity to be a great older sister right now and help her through this. 

Post # 20
Member
440 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

AcheneMalefic I have a 15 year old sister and this is one of my biggest fears. She’s over 6 feet tall and model gorgeous so it’s not like she’s your adverage and she gets attention all the time. So I’ve given what your going through in my own head a lot of thought with her.

It would drive right through me to know my sister got PG before she was ready- and I mean 10 years time ready. Especially since having a baby is where I’m at too. The previous poster was spot on, you need to do what you can in spite of the situation you see around you, if it turns out she is pregnant then you need to be there for her and help her make some pretty tough decisions.

I’d give my sister ALL the options she had and I would talk and talk and talk about the choices she has, and then once she has made a decision, I’d support her with it.

Certainly it’s not a fluffy fun situation but my goodness your sister will need you more than ever, she’ll need someone older and suppotive in her life, to make sure she can do the best she can, what ever choice she makes, and if she decides to keep it, well then you need help co-parent and teach that new baby, who will be family that life doesn’t have to repeate itself, give them aspirations and dreams and maybe a wonderful journey will come for you from all this.

 

Post # 21
Member
11231 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

If she was my sister, I’d probably beat the piss out of her. 

Post # 22
Member
7643 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

It sounds like you are very concerned for her well being, so put the feelings of your sister being possibly pregnant and be there for her. As hard as it is, and as crappy of a situation as it is, you need to be there for your sister and the baby that may possibly be there too. It isn’t an ideal situation and it hurts but it will get better.

Post # 23
Member
1009 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@vorpalette:  I thought the same thing!

 

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@AcheneMalefic:  *Hugs* I wish I had some words of comfort for you, but I know it’s a pain that can’t be easily soothed. So I will send virtual hugs and good thoughts your way and hope that in some way, it might make you feel better that someone else in the world does feel your pain, and hopes it’s brief.

Also, a definite ++1000 to the previous posters suggesting adopting the baby. I thought of that as I read the original posting. However, I would make sure the contract is complete and ironclad, including if she tries to pull anything later. Being she is underage, would your parents have to sign on her behalf?

ETA: Crossing my fingers that she isn’t pregnant!

Post # 24
Member
10451 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2014

Wow if this was my 14 year old sister I would absolutely beat the crap out of her. And probably push her down a flight of stairs. First of all 14 is wayyyy too young to be having sex, let alone a baby. She has ruined her life if she is actually pregnant and doesn’t get an abortion. I feel really strongly about teen pregnancies because to me it’s one of the stupidest things ever. My high school actually built a daycare because we had so many knocked up girls. It’s just mind boggling to me. 

I didn’t read all the previous comments so if someone up there had a teen pregnancy and is doing ok/loves their baby etc I’m sorry if this came off harsh. I just can’t fathom that in high school. 

Post # 25
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Any updates? Hugs to you.

Post # 26
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

View original reply
@AcheneMalefic:  I would encourage her to adopt out. Even if you don’t adopt your sister’s child, it’s best for her to find a family that can care for her child. And she won’t be just another teen mother.

 

I grew up in an area with a LOT of teen pregnancies (something like 17% of girls in my high school) and only one friend gave her child up for adoption. She went on to college and got a degree. The others didn’t. She did a semi-open adoption, which means she hears from them a few times a year, but they live in another state. She said it’s hard, but knows that her son has better care than she could have provided. I think recognizing that you can’t give your child the best care takes a lot of courage.

Best of luck!

Post # 27
Member
1609 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I am in a similar place as you.  I have a younger sister (not quite as young as yours) who might be pregnant as well.  She went to the Dr. because she missed her period, and the pregnancy test came up negative.  The Dr. told her that it might be too early to tell, so she is coming over to my house on Friday to take her second one.  I can’t help but be scared and aggravated with her because we are dying to have a kid, but are waiting until we are settled (luckily this will be in a couple months), and she has an oops, has been with her BF for 3 months, and doesn’t have a full time job.  It is frustrating because she is the youngest and has been told how to be careful so many times!

Post # 28
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I haven’t read all of the responses yet so not sure if this was already mentioned but first, it’s too soon to get too worried over it. She’s not that late and her eating disorder and recent increased sexual activity could affect her cycle. 

 

Also… if she’s not eating or not eating properly sadly… she likely won’t carry to term.

Post # 30
Member
13094 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

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@AcheneMalefic:  Hopefully this scare will knock some sense into her and she’ll be smarter about her choices for protection from here on out.

Do you think she’d be open to you helping her get on the pill or Nuvaring or something so she’s protected (at least from pregnancy, just not STDs) even without a condom?

Post # 31
Member
2539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@AcheneMalefic:  I just read this and I’m sorry, that must really feel like a kick in the gut.

I haven’t read the responses because I just wanted to say the first thing I thought of in reading your post, was for you to watch the episode of Sex and the City, the episode where Charlotte is fed up with not being able to get pregnant and Miranda finds out she’s pregnant, from a ‘lazy ovary and he only has one ball – it’s like the special olympics of conception” and Charlotte has to come to terms with watching her friend have a baby when she herself wants one so bad.

I know it’s not the same thing, but it might make you feel better. Charlotte a year later has to go to the baby’s first birthday after she just had a mc.

Also – teenagers are VERY fertile – they’re at their prime. So you can be a million shades of emotion at your sister, but not really at biology.

*I just read your update and glad to hear that, mostly for your sisters sake. That girl needed this scare!

 

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