Post # 1
I need some advice, bees.
My husband’s cousin recently became engaged. Since then, my husband and I have been so excited to attend their wedding this summer. I have enjoyed that she has shared details of her planning and it has made me feel like a part of the family. We recently found out that they are having their wedding in Vegas one week before our one year anniversary.
Originally, my husband and I thought we could make it and were even planning to stay a little longer to celebrate my husband’s birthday, which is during the same week, but now we are concerned that we won’t be able to afford the plane/hotel costs AND be able to do something special for our one-year (we didn’t have much of a honeymoon and we would like to make up for that). We originally thought she and her fiance would understand, but after a recent conversation with them, I’m not so sure about that anymore.
We were at a birthday party for one of the kids the other weekend and someone mentioned that my husband’s parents would not be attending the wedding. They have custody of my husband’s 5-year old niece and don’t want to take her to Vegas in the summer with it being so hot. Despite the reason however, it is their choice whether or not to attend, given that this is a destination wedding. Their reaction to this news was crazy to me though. My husband’s cousin acted like his parents were awful and disrespectful for not attending.
I kept my mouth shut because it’s not my place, but I was appalled at their reaction. My opinion of destination weddings is that you should be grateful to those that can come…not hateful to those who can’t. That sort of comes with the territory of deciding to go elsewhere for your wedding — not everyone will be able to attend.
Now comes our concern; my husband and I are afraid that if we RSVP “no,” that there will be drama. Please don’t tell me I’m being selfish for preferring to spend our money celebrating our one year anniversary; we are currently trying to figure out how we can budget and do both…but right now I’m looking for advice on how we can gently break the news if we can’t attend, without runing our relationship with her.
Post # 3
I don’t think you’re being selfish at all. It sucks that you can’t do both, but if she freaks out on you because you can’t come to a Destination Wedding, then I think she is the one being selfish. I mean, if I were her I would be bummed about it, but I would understand. You are right, if you have a Destination Wedding, you can’t expect every single person to be able to make it, unless you’re paying for them to travel.
Post # 4
If you can’t go becuase your budget can’t allow for it then you can’t go. You aren’t selfish for wanting to do something together. Maybe if this was his brother or something, but it is a cousin. I didn’t really care if my cousins made it.
I would just say your budget doesn’t allow for it with hotels and plane ticket costs. You shouldn’t have to give more of a reason that that, and if she is all heart broken over it then that is the way it is. If she is willing to ruin a good relationship over this then she really isn’t a good friend to begin with.
Post # 5
@FutureMrs1: I’m on your side in this one. Since they decided to have a Destination Wedding, you’re right, they should be grateful for those who can come and share their day but not resentful towards those who can’t.
If you can’t afford to do both, of course your annivesary is more important, imo. To break it gently, speak with her in person and explain the situation. And an extra-nice wedding gift may help ease the blow. But if they’re already reacting that way to “no’s,” there may not be much you can do except try to take the high road and be polite in declining if you have to, and explain. Beyond that, what happens is up to them. If they choose to alienate family over something like that they might be facing a long, lonely future. Good luck! I wish you all the best.
Post # 6
Thank you for the advice, ladies. I will definitely tell them in person.
It is nice to hear that I am not out of line on this one. I am very sad that we most likely won’t be able to attend because I love weddings and I care a lot about his cousin and would give anything to have the ability to do both.
I try really hard to make everyone happy, but this is one time I need to make sure my husband and I are happy first.
Post # 7
@FutureMrs1: You are not selfish at all! And you’re absolutely right – this comes with the territory when you have a destination wedding… A lot of people can’t go.
She doesn’t have to know what your plans are. A simple “No, sorry, we can’t afford it” will suffice.
(You may want to avoid any talk about your one year anniversary celebration though before crazy digs her nails into you!)
Post # 8
@JemmaWRX: ITA! You owe no explaination after “We are sorry, we are uable to attend due to fiinances” Just send a nice gift and keep your plans under wrap.
Post # 9
@JemmaWRX: You are totally right. I won’t go into detail about what we are doing for our anniversary. They know when our anniversary is so they will most likely assume we are doing something, but they don’t need to know that it is the reason we may not attend the wedding.
Post # 10
I don’t really know if this would work for you or not, but have you thought of combining them. Like turning the trip down there for the wedding into part of your anniversary celebration. Maybe stay down there for a few days and just do stuff as a couple after the wedding is said and done. Just a thought…
Post # 11
If you can’t go, you can’t go. If she asks why, that’s rude. My wedding is “destination” for a lot of people even though it’s in my home town. It was going to require travel for half the guests no matter where we had it, there’s nothing I can do about that. That being said, if people can’t come, I’m sorry and I’ll miss them, but I totally understand.