Trying not to be Friendzilla

posted 5 months ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
1360 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sorry, but I am incredibly confused. I don’t quite understand what the band and singing has to do with your college studies not being used, or doing flowers for someone’s wedding (this is the wedding of someone IN your band?), or bridesmaids being runners up?? I’ve never heard of that. 

Is your problem that you want to play only a small role in the wedding by just doing the flowers? Why? Is it because you’re too upset to coordinate the whole thing because they don’t ask you to sing much and because of what happened to you in college?? Or did they hire a coordinator? Or the runner-up bridesmaid was made the coordinator…? 

If you don’t want to attend their wedding for any reason, you’re not required to attend. It’s not up to you who does their flowers, so you have to let that go. It was very nice of you to offer, but let them make their own choices for their wedding, Bee.  

Post # 3
2855 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’m afraid I don’t follow either, but I think you’re obviously struggling with the fallout of this crime and it’s majing you worry about things that aren’t happening. 

From what I can gather, I think the couple are trying to not put too much pressure / work on you

Id talk to your therapist about this. 

Post # 5
5716 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

No one is persecuting you because they have a different idea. You’ve said it yourself, it is their wedding and they are allowed to plan it how they want.  None of this is a personal slight on you, their wedding isn’t about you. 

Is there someone you can talk to about your struggles that aren’t a member of your church and are independent? 

I’m sorry you’re struggling right now but I hope things can get better for you. 

Post # 6
2855 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Bee – we just weren’t clear on what was happening. No judgement or hate. 

Im so sorry you went through what you did but (and I cannot stress this enough) IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. Please please please get some help to deal with your depression and your feelings around this terrible crime. 

I wonder whether the bride and groom are aware of how you’re feeling and don’t want to over burden you. Doing the flowers is a big thing as is taking on a whole wedding. You might want to do, but they might be concerned that asking you to do all of it will put too much stress on you. It might also be that they want to do more themselves. 

Regardless – please please please seek some help for your mental health Chris4 :  

Post # 7
1360 posts
Bumble bee

Hey, Bee, I’m not persecuting you. I think it’s important for you to know that it is legitimately difficult to understand your post, given how it’s written. I was asking questions simply to get a better picture of the issues at hand. Please notice a few things about what you said that aren’t really clear:

“It is common that at our church there is a worship time and you have friends do it or in this case obviously your bandmates” … It’s common that you have friends “do it,” you say–do *what* exactly?? 

“Because we are close they knew I don’t chare and was looking for chances to share in the ministry in wedding planning/coordinating.” Look, I know that you made a typo with the word “chare,” but I honestly can’t figure out what the correct word should be, so I don’t understand what you’re saying here. Wait, did you mean “care”?? They knew you didn’t care about *what*?

“My guess is they will say because they thought I would be busy with the flowers” So you ARE going to be doing the flowers for them? But you’re upset because you want to sing in the band at their wedding? You mentioned that you don’t get to sing much in regular weekly church services, so is it possible that they just don’t utilize a vocalist in their band as much as instrumentalists? Quite a bit of music is primarily instrumental, so don’t take that personally! 

But beyond all of that, I’m terribly sorry to hear about what happened to you in college, though I’d already suspected is was a sexual assault from what you’d said in your OP. Are you seeking out any resources to help you heal from this? I hope you’re able to speak to a trained counselor of sexual assault for this. 

In addition, Bee, MANY people don’t find jobs in their chosen field, but sometimes we discover that a completely different field is actually great! But if you still want to work in one of your fields, don’t give up. It sounds like singing in the band is part of your many fields of study, but this particular band doesn’t seem to have much opportunity for you to sing. That’s too bad, but there are many, many bands that I’m sure need vocalists, and you could even begin your own. 

Post # 8
1360 posts
Bumble bee

Oh, and let me just add: You haven’t done anything wrong by posting on here! Please don’t feel like you need to delete your thread! I think once we understand exactly what the situation is, you’ll be able to get quite a bit of good support and advice. 

Post # 9
1901 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Their wedding isn’t your rehab program and they don’t owe you anything. It’s fair to be bummed or disappointed in their decision but that’s about all that you get.  

That said, speaking as fellow “victim of a crime” myself, I do suggest counseling. If you’re getting counseling, I’d get more, or some of a different variety because it still seems to be affecting your life and livelihood. 

Finally… persecution is what happened to Christ. Or the Jews. Or the Christians, or African Americans, or Japanese Americans or Cambodians.  Persecution is not somebody expressing a different opinion after you’ve expressed yours in a public place. That’s freedom of speech. Even when they say things that hurt your feelings or that you don’t like. 

Post # 10
971 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Bee, you’re going through a tough time.  However, the bride and groom aren’t obligated to select you as a wedding planner or singer just because you’re willing to do it for free and you’d really like to participate.

Like a pp stated: It’s their wedding, not your rehab. 

The couple did not operate in poor taste by not asking you to sing.  Going through a tough time does not mean that you are entitled to someone else’s celebration. 

Post # 11
688 posts
Busy bee

Hey bee, 

i get the sense that you’re not able to use your gifts that you’ve had training for because it’s not yet the right time. 

To everything there is a season. 

Please focus on getting help and healing from this horrible trauma. Hiding it and pushing it down is just going to make it harder for you, 

because when we’re very hurt, we can walk around the world feeling quite fragile, and it feels as though everyone is an attacker. 

What happens then is that sometimes people don’t understand, and they’ll just keep a distance, if they don’t know when or why they’re hurting you. 

But they’re not hurting you – the past trauma is. 

Please get help, sweet bee. even if it’s to go talk to your clergy. They have to keep confidentiality, and can certainly direct you toward a course of healing. 

I’d prefer a counselor, but two counselors were what saved my life when something like this happened to me. 

It’s maybe time to pause on the wedding planning and singing. 

You mention you’re too wounded to go to the wedding, so I think it’s important To listen to your inner self and pause the planning. Pause everything and heal. 


You can do this – envision a better life ahead, where you are able to joyously take part. That’s in your future If you give yourself a time to convalesce and don’t try to force life to march onward at a fast pace. 

Post # 12
6231 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

OP- I think you need to focus your time and energy on healing right now- look into therapists- maybe even an expresive arts therapist where you can focus on healing through song and creativity in addition to speaking (since you want to be singing but need a safe place to do it).

When you have suffered a trauma, it can skew your entire view of the world and your read of various situations. You see danger where others do not, you see harm and offense where others do not. Sometimes it’s accurate, sometimes it’s not. But your danger signals are going haywire right now and you need some help with that.

Also- church can be great for a lot of things but if you have had some trauma, unless you are speaking with a church leader who is also a trained therapist, church activity does not take the place of serious counseling and therapy. None of the people you have mentioned, even those who are praying with you in prayer group, sound equipped to support you through this time.

Lastly- I’m a deeply spiritual person who sees The Sacred and Divine in all kinds of places and many of my loved ones are survivors of various types of sexual trauma. And I would not invite someone who I knew was working through recent trauma, to practice their healing at my wedding. That isn’t the time or the place for that. 

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