(Closed) Trying not to complain…awful bridesmaids!

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 17
Member
3306 posts
Sugar bee

5 headaches? Drop them, life is too short.

Post # 18
Member
4149 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@KatyElle:  +1 

 

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@SeaSalt:  This sounds like something I’d see on TV.  I can’t imagine someone calling their friends with a list of “bridesmaid duties” and asking how they think they’ve performed.  It’s a pretty condescending way to handle an issue that is clearly rooted in a larger problem, which is that her friends are unsupportive of the marriage for some reason.   

Post # 19
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I think you should keep them, from what I’ve experienced that’s how bridesmaids are. I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man in May in my cousin’s wedding and I was the least close to her, and all of her friends were constantly ditching her.  I went to all of her fittings and dress shopping things she set up for us because her friends always bailed on her.  There were many times when it was just her and I.  

For my wedding I am having a maid of honor and no bridesmaids.   She is my best friend and even though she’s 7 months pregnant that girl would do anything for me.  That being said, I’m very independent and like doing stuff on my own.  She went dress shopping with me 1 time and that’s all I’ve pretty much asked of her, I went dress shopping solo many times.  I can be pretty anti-social (only child)  and don’t have a lot of close friends though, everyone is different.  It works for me.  I think since you’ve already comitted to these girls you should keep them and just note that for future events if there is anything you need them for they might not be the most dependable.

Post # 20
Member
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think there are several problems here.

The bridesmaids are young, and likely have never been in a wedding before. They may not know that generally, bridesmaids plan bachelorette parties and showers. They may not realize that it takes longer than a normal shopping trip to get a dress. I do NOT suggest telling them “these are your jobs” because no one HAS to do any of those things for you, they are nice gestures.

Your other issue is that they do not support your relationship. I think you need to think about how to delicately approach this. These are your best friends, after all. What do they see that you might not? If you are really sure about your relationship and they are not, then maybe ask them why they said they would stand up in a wedding they don’t support.

Post # 21
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Uhhh, speaking as a former bridesmaid and a current bride, you should be willing to sacrifice. In both cases, oddly enough. When my friend got married I put her needs above my own (as long as they weren’t too ridiculous). Not only because she was the bride, but moreso because I loved her and that’s what you do as a friend when the other needs help. Now as the bride I am on the other side, and trying very hard to work with my bridesmaids and make them as happy as I can so they are glad to help me.

However, if they disapprove so badly that they are all canceling, it’s time to re-evaluate. Either  there’s something wrong with your fiance or there’s something wrong with your friendships. From the sound of this post it may be the latter. 

Post # 22
Member
9816 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@SeaSalt:  What on earth does that have to do with calling someone up and reading them a list of “Bridesmaid duties” and asking them to counter with what they have contributed thus far?

Anyway, this has now become silly. OP, my advice is to not do that. Just either cancel having bridesmaids, or just make the one who supports you your Maid/Matron of Honor. No fuss, no nonsense.

Post # 23
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee

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@KatyElle:  I’m correcting your erroneous definition of what consitutes passive-aggressive behaviour.  If anyone’s being passive-aggressive, it’s the BMs.  And the best way to deal with P-A people is to confront them directly about it.

Post # 24
Member
9816 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@SeaSalt:  Right, we’re going to have to just agree to disagree.

Post # 25
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee

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@hardtoconcentrate:  Fine, word it differently, but the situation is not going to resolve itself. Clearly the OP has some not unreasonable expectations of her BM’s (I’m sorry, having to plan  your own stagette is ridiculous. They should be falling overthemselves to do that for her, especially given they are “big drinkers”) and she needs to outline them to the BMs.  If she’s not direct with them, she is never going to get to the heart of the matter.

Post # 26
Member
1344 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

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@lfranke:  

I might agree if these people WERE friends. One of them threatened not to attend the wedding if there was no alcohol. It doesn’t sound like they really care too much about OP. They may not approve for very invalid reasons. Maybe they think he’s weird because he doesn’t drink heavily like they do, or maybe they have different opinions/personalities. They may not actually be seeing anything wrong with the relationship, but may instead think that because THEY want certain qualities (that OP may not want in a partner) that he is not good enough because he doesn’t have those qualities. I would like to know if OP’s family supports her and if the BM’s have actually said WHY they don’t support the marriage.

OP, I think it would make planning your wedding easier if you dropped them, but even though they are not (or don’t seem to be) invested in being a part of your wedding, I would not be surprised if they are offended by this. Be prepared with reasons why you think this decision is best, and don’t do it if these people are hugely important to you, because it’s not unheard of for friendships to be damaged or ruined by this kind of thing.

Good luck OP.

Post # 27
Member
1282 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Your’e not alone.  i think you and i could have a “who has the worst” competition.  I havent even heard from my maid in months.  I texted her and she texted back, “who is this?”  My matron of honor only texts me to tell me but things, and she bitched about what her husband was wearing for the groomsmen because she couldn’t bitch about what she was wearing! (I gave them a loose guideline and said wear whatever you want, which i think was my best decision ever.)  At this point all but my FSIL is counted out in my mind.  No one but her is offering to help at all and I’m throwing my own bridal shower.  I’ll be shocked if I get a bachelorette party, and don’t really want one at this rate.  I have mentally counted them out because I have asked for nothing but some small favors that they can’t come through with.  I’ve decided it’s not worth it to burn bridges and they will just get an invitation like everyone else.  Sometimes it’s better to just take the high road and then never see them again!  I’m sure as I move on with my new life, (my fiance is in the military), that I won’t hear from them.  It’s sad but sometimes you see people for who they really are when situations like this arise.  When my day is awesome, I know I can take all the credit for it!  And you can too! 

Post # 28
Member
115 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@vorpalette:  My friends hated my Ex, and they were absolutely right. Looking back, I wish they’d been more adamant about their feelings.


THIS!

Post # 29
Member
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I guess my question would be, if you KNOW they don’t support the relationship or the marriage, why would you ask them to stand up for you at your wedding in the first place? People lose sight of the meaning behind the wedding and just want to focus on the grandure of it all.

See, marriage to me is more than a party where your best girlfriends get up, put on pretty dresses and everyone gets to ohhh and ahhhh about the pretty girls. It’s a life commitment ceremony where the people who are surrounding you agree to SUPPORT and uphold the marital commitment. If there are 5 girls that aren’t supporting this and they’re supposed to be your best friends, maybe they see something you don’t because they aren’t wearing the rose colored glasses. I’m not saying you’re wrong and they’re right, I think it’s time to have a very candid discussion about what their concerns are and agree to hear them out without pulling out your defensive bone.

No one in your wedding party should be opposed to your marriage. 

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