- 8 years ago
5 headaches? Drop them, life is too short.
5 headaches? Drop them, life is too short.
I think you should keep them, from what I’ve experienced that’s how bridesmaids are. I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man in May in my cousin’s wedding and I was the least close to her, and all of her friends were constantly ditching her. I went to all of her fittings and dress shopping things she set up for us because her friends always bailed on her. There were many times when it was just her and I.
For my wedding I am having a maid of honor and no bridesmaids. She is my best friend and even though she’s 7 months pregnant that girl would do anything for me. That being said, I’m very independent and like doing stuff on my own. She went dress shopping with me 1 time and that’s all I’ve pretty much asked of her, I went dress shopping solo many times. I can be pretty anti-social (only child) and don’t have a lot of close friends though, everyone is different. It works for me. I think since you’ve already comitted to these girls you should keep them and just note that for future events if there is anything you need them for they might not be the most dependable.
I think there are several problems here.
The bridesmaids are young, and likely have never been in a wedding before. They may not know that generally, bridesmaids plan bachelorette parties and showers. They may not realize that it takes longer than a normal shopping trip to get a dress. I do NOT suggest telling them “these are your jobs” because no one HAS to do any of those things for you, they are nice gestures.
Your other issue is that they do not support your relationship. I think you need to think about how to delicately approach this. These are your best friends, after all. What do they see that you might not? If you are really sure about your relationship and they are not, then maybe ask them why they said they would stand up in a wedding they don’t support.
Uhhh, speaking as a former bridesmaid and a current bride, you should be willing to sacrifice. In both cases, oddly enough. When my friend got married I put her needs above my own (as long as they weren’t too ridiculous). Not only because she was the bride, but moreso because I loved her and that’s what you do as a friend when the other needs help. Now as the bride I am on the other side, and trying very hard to work with my bridesmaids and make them as happy as I can so they are glad to help me.
However, if they disapprove so badly that they are all canceling, it’s time to re-evaluate. Either there’s something wrong with your fiance or there’s something wrong with your friendships. From the sound of this post it may be the latter.
Anyway, this has now become silly. OP, my advice is to not do that. Just either cancel having bridesmaids, or just make the one who supports you your Maid/Matron of Honor. No fuss, no nonsense.
I might agree if these people WERE friends. One of them threatened not to attend the wedding if there was no alcohol. It doesn’t sound like they really care too much about OP. They may not approve for very invalid reasons. Maybe they think he’s weird because he doesn’t drink heavily like they do, or maybe they have different opinions/personalities. They may not actually be seeing anything wrong with the relationship, but may instead think that because THEY want certain qualities (that OP may not want in a partner) that he is not good enough because he doesn’t have those qualities. I would like to know if OP’s family supports her and if the BM’s have actually said WHY they don’t support the marriage.
OP, I think it would make planning your wedding easier if you dropped them, but even though they are not (or don’t seem to be) invested in being a part of your wedding, I would not be surprised if they are offended by this. Be prepared with reasons why you think this decision is best, and don’t do it if these people are hugely important to you, because it’s not unheard of for friendships to be damaged or ruined by this kind of thing.
Good luck OP.
Your’e not alone. i think you and i could have a “who has the worst” competition. I havent even heard from my maid in months. I texted her and she texted back, “who is this?” My matron of honor only texts me to tell me but things, and she bitched about what her husband was wearing for the groomsmen because she couldn’t bitch about what she was wearing! (I gave them a loose guideline and said wear whatever you want, which i think was my best decision ever.) At this point all but my FSIL is counted out in my mind. No one but her is offering to help at all and I’m throwing my own bridal shower. I’ll be shocked if I get a bachelorette party, and don’t really want one at this rate. I have mentally counted them out because I have asked for nothing but some small favors that they can’t come through with. I’ve decided it’s not worth it to burn bridges and they will just get an invitation like everyone else. Sometimes it’s better to just take the high road and then never see them again! I’m sure as I move on with my new life, (my fiance is in the military), that I won’t hear from them. It’s sad but sometimes you see people for who they really are when situations like this arise. When my day is awesome, I know I can take all the credit for it! And you can too!
I guess my question would be, if you KNOW they don’t support the relationship or the marriage, why would you ask them to stand up for you at your wedding in the first place? People lose sight of the meaning behind the wedding and just want to focus on the grandure of it all.
See, marriage to me is more than a party where your best girlfriends get up, put on pretty dresses and everyone gets to ohhh and ahhhh about the pretty girls. It’s a life commitment ceremony where the people who are surrounding you agree to SUPPORT and uphold the marital commitment. If there are 5 girls that aren’t supporting this and they’re supposed to be your best friends, maybe they see something you don’t because they aren’t wearing the rose colored glasses. I’m not saying you’re wrong and they’re right, I think it’s time to have a very candid discussion about what their concerns are and agree to hear them out without pulling out your defensive bone.
No one in your wedding party should be opposed to your marriage.
Thank you for all the advice and comments!
About my Fiance…my friends all loved him when we were dating. My entire family adores him, and everyone comments on how perfect we are and how well we compliment each other. Once they found out I was engaged, they all (seemed) very happy for me and were ecstatic to be asked to be bridesmaids.
I have always been more into deep relationships verses my friends. They have always teased me about being the “marrying type” over the dating type. They prefer to date around and not settle down. No big deal, its their life and they are young. However, all the sudden they have begun telling me Im too young and they are waiting for the marriage to fall apart, which I dont understand because I thought they all liked him and my family even agrees hes the one.
And I know for a fact all of them have been bridesmaids before.
I just don’t understand. I don’t think I will be telling them that they “arent doing their jobs” but I may just hint at that Im not getting any help so I decided to not have any bridesmaids at all.
Thanks again Bees, I appreciate all the advice I just wanted to know if anyone had been in a similar situation and if this was the new norm…I often hear new brides talking about how they couldn’t have planned their wedding without their bridesmaids, and wondered if for some reason something was wrong with mine.
Its just frustrating to think I invited them to stand up and be a part of my special day, and I have been there with them through so much (even stuff I didnt agree with) yet they cant even try to help make my day special or support me.
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