I’m a real mix of emotions right now, most of them not positive.
In case you couldn’t guess, it didn’t happen.
We went to dinner at such a gorgeous place. He picked it out just for the occasion. Is never been, but he had. We were seated in the quiet, romantic spot that he requested. The food was great. The service was impeccable. All he wanted to talk about was wedding planning. Who will he choose as groomsmen? What will the ceremony be like? We agreed that we’d like to ask our friend to officiate since neither of us have any religious affiliation.
When it didn’t happen at dinner, i was somewhat relieved; the ambience was nice but it didn’t quite feel like the right setting either. So we hopped in our Uber and off we went to skate.
We arrived about an hour before closing which was great because that’s all we really wanted, anyway. The ice was pretty packed with skaters, but it was still a lot of fun. It started to clear out incrementally more and more as they announced 30 mins to closing, 15 mins to closing, 5 mins to closing, and pretty soon there were relatively few people remaining on the ice. I thought for a moment we were pulling toward the center of the rink, but no. They announced closing and we left. Okay, I thought, now what? He recommended we take in the pretty lights in the Common, and then nice the lights in the Public Garden, and then down the absolutely gorgeous aisle of warm light trees along the promenade park running through the center of Commonwealth Avenue, one of my favorite places around the holidays, always strangely quiet and serene even with cars driving to either side. Super romantic. All the while, he occasionally kept bringing up wedding-related stuff. “Have you researched photographers? My sister’s was great…”
When we got to the end of the promenade, he suggested we sit on a park bench… so he could call our Uber to get his car back at his office. I knew then it wasn’t happening last night.
I did my best to manage my disappointment and confusion in the moment. It really had been such a nice night, and he seemed so earnestly excited about kicking off wedding planning tomorrow/today when we visit this venue. I know I got quiet, though. I just didn’t know what to say, and I was struggling to pretend not to be as crushed and confused as I honestly was. More disbelief in that moment as much as anything else.
We arrived back to his car and we got in. The radio was on and I remained pretty quiet. About five minutes into the ride he was like, “You seem really annoyed. Did I do something?” Lol, I thought. “No, you didn’t.” Hey, it was the truth. “Are you sure?” he probed.
I figured fine, this is about as good a chance I’ll get.
“What do I say to the woman giving us the venue tour tomorrow when she asks to see my ring?”
He paused, and then, “I’m sorry.”
I continued: “I’m sorry, but I really thought, after our conversation last Saturday about needing to start planning, all the wedding talk we did before tonight, the fact that I mentioned it’s been a little hard for me to wait, and then all the gorgeous opportunities tonight, all the hyping about what a nice night it would be — it was, don’t get me wrong — and then the nonstop wedding chatter over dinner and on our walk, I was convinced it would have happened tonight. And now I’m really upset and confused. Do you have a plan?”
His initial reaction was a mix of apologies with a touch of defensiveness. I was incredibly embarrassed throughout, I ended up apologizing several times for ruining whatever moment he actually does have planned, but that I needed a general time frame, etc. We were both pretty calm throughout, even though I was crying a little by this point. I did tell him that I had been a wreck all throughout Christmas. A wreck every time we went on a nice date in December. I told him that I felt so relieved to enjoy New Year’s without anxiety or expectation because we scheduled this venue visit and I was convinced that it would happen during my birthday stuff.
As we talked more, it came out that my suspicions about the delay were right: he had been waiting for conditions to be right for some elaborate Insta-worthy thing he planned, but… it was all predicated on getting at least a few inches of snow. And… we haven’t really had any yet this winter. It was an adorable idea, but completely out of his control. And then he comes out with, “I really wanted to have done it by now, but it just hasn’t happened. I wanted to have it done before the end of December so we could celebrate the holidays engaged. I was sad it didn’t happen. Recently I was starting to let go of the snow idea since it was taking so long, but…” Honestly him saying that just crushed me even more. If he wanted to do it so badly, he should have come up with a new plan and done it.
Instead we’re in his car having this terrible, mutually embarrassing conversation.
And then came the real kick in the head, as we were sitting in the driveway.
”I actually brought it with me tonight, *just in case an opportunity cane up.* Do you want to see it?” Why did he need to tell me that? Why? You had every opportunity in the world and yet chose not to do it. Knowing full well what we’re doing today.
He then confessed to looking at engagement packages at the skating rink earlier this week. A special place for us. But chose not to do it, because he wants the proposal to be a whole new experience.
So my first line stands. I’m confused, disappointed, embarrassed (for me and for him), angry (both with me for making a big deal out of it, and with him for… making a big deal out of it). I got three hours of sleep. I’m mad about that, too, lol.
I’m really sad that his proposal, whatever he plans now, might feel tarnished by this experience. I don’t know. I’m sad, too, that visiting this venue today, something I was so looking forward to, just… feels so conflicted and jumbled up now. I’m hoping it lifts my mood. We’ll see.
So. Back to waiting. I’m sure now it will now be another few weeks or months as we a) will need to wait for this to blow over and get some distance, and b) wait for him to come up with a new plan.
If you read this whole thing, you’re my personal hero.