(Closed) Trying really hard not to be a downer.

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

*hugs*

 

It’s ok to be sad when a disappointment as big as this one is laid on you.

I wonder though, why can’t he propose now seeing as he already has the ring (therefore the financial side of things is moot) and you just enjoy a very long engagement? This way you’ll have more than plenty of time to plan and to save and will give you some more security as you wait even longer and help him through a masters.

Would that compromise help?

 

Post # 4
Member
1769 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1997

@Everdeen:  +1.  engagement now, marriage later. If hes unwilling to even get engaged, I’d wonder about cold feet…he already has the ring…but just wants to hold onto it without letting you know and without proposing. . .good luck.

Post # 5
Member
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@misskittenn:  I just reread your post and realised that he doesn’t know tha tyou know that he has the ring.

This makes it a little trickier, because then it sounds like you are asking him to make a large purchase just before quitting his job (from his side of things). 

You’ll either have to be honest about knowing and then have an open dialogue about it.

OR you can say something like “You know, if you’d already bought the ring then we could…” And see where that takes you. 

Post # 6
Member
917 posts
Busy bee

@misskittenn:  I wish I had some way of making you feel better :(. I guess all I can offer is to feel what you feel, don’t bottle it up or it might turn into resentment. I’m sure you Boyfriend or Best Friend will understand that you’re disappointed and neebetter those feelings out. 

Post # 8
Member
4692 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

@misskittenn:  I would be totally disappointed too. Your feelings are validated. Mayeb chat with him? I bet you’ll feel much better.

Post # 9
Member
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I don’t know why he couldn’t be engaged or married to you just because he’s going back to school? There are even married couples where one spouse goes back to school for a second career for a few years.

If it means you wouldn’t be able to have a big wedding because of the cost until he is out of school a few years, then you could just be married by a judge and have an anniversary blow-out or remarriage a few years later. I would rather just be married legally and think about the blow-out later.

Maybe he thinks you need an expensive wedding, or maybe as a man, he feels unequipped to provide for you as a husband without another degree and more job prospects.

I’m just being a chatterbox, but those are my thoughts. If you feel comfortable, maybe you can tell him you saw the ring and tell him what you are feeling. I think otherwise, it will bug you for years, wondering when exactly he would ask. I’ve been a waiting lady myself, and I know it was heart-wrenching for me.

 

Post # 10
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@misskittenn:  

I am sorry you are going through this… it’s to your SO’s credit that he is trying to be responsible and diligent about your futures and wanting to provide for you both.

 

It’s to your credit that you want what precious little time you have together to be clam and sharing and not taking up with heavy discussion. 

However, your SO seems to be doing a lot of talking and not so much listening.  Marriage is a partnership.  Of course he wants to start out as being able to “sweep you off your feet” and provide for you, so I understand wanting to delay in getting married.  All fine.

But what he has done is actually declare an “intention to engage” without ACTUALLY engaging you.  If it wasn’t serious, it would be pretty funny, like saying, “Now, I’m your man, and I love you and sometime in the next 1- 2 years I’m going to ask you if you will then give me your promise to marry me, so really what I’m seeking from you is a pre-promise that for the next indeterminate period of time that you won’t marry, date or be involved with anyone else because we have an understanding that I am going to at some point ask you to be my wife”.

It’s kind of the equivalent of Mr Darcy in Pride and Prejudice going up to Elizabeth Bennett at the Netherfield Ball and saying, “Now, I don’t dance, but I am thinking of dancing sometime during this ball season, not tonight or next week, so I won’t be putting my name in your dance card but I want you to know so that when I do ask you at a future ball you will be ready and be sure to have a space for me.” 

On one hand, it’s touching and thoughtful, on the other hand, it’s a little arrogant.  Your opinion has not been asked about this.  If he wants to reserve your hand for marriage he can do so now and have a long engagement.   It will cost him nothing but his word and that ring he is holding onto.  You don’t have to mention the ring, that’s his problem.  Many couples in the past would have a small e-ring and be “upgraded” at the 5 year anniversary and he should know you well enough to know that if you are doing the distance thing, it’s him you care about, not the size of the ring.

If he is not going to propose, he has no business announcing his intention to propose at some point in the future.  It’s all talk and no action and it is hurtful, even though to him he may be genuinely trying to come from a place of honesty it really is fence-sitting between levels of committment.

Post # 11
Member
1239 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@misskittenn:  I’m going to chime in because this is somewhat of my situation. 

In my head, there was an unspoken agreement that we were going to get engaged at the end of this year and married in late 2014. The he failed one of his classes, and got ejected from his degree program and has to now wait until fall to retake the class. Everything, and I mean everything, got pushed back a year automatically. It’s taken me from December until now to finally accept that.

My SO wants to provide for me, and he says that it doesn’t matter that I provide for myself, he is going to wait. I have come to grips with it, and I support him going after his dreams. I do not support the wait on the engagement, but if I want him to propose, then I have to accept it.

So, I suggest you work towards acceptance, and from there, work towards support. My SO bought my ring in Feb, in front of me, so he’s going to hang onto it for a year plus as well. In the meantime, I’ve decided my goal is take away that #1 spot on the waiting list from Tea, and do thingsthat will make me feel better. I’ve already started and completed the largest craft project I’ve ever done, am spending more time with friends, getting a tat I’ve wanted for years..essentially I’m focusing on me.

And when it gets to be to much, I peek at wedding stuff, just to give myself that outlet. 

But always remember, it’s not about the engagement, it’s not about the wedding day…it’s the marriage that counts. And marriage is worth waiting for.

 

 

 

Post # 12
Member
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Maybe he’s trying to trick you so that when he proposes it will be a complete surprise.

Post # 13
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee

@misskittenn:  *hugs* What the hell goes on at these engineering companies? My SO is also an engineer and for the past year it’s as if he’s depressed career-wise. He is miserable at his place because he gives them more than what they ask for but it’s never enough… he’s the youngest, therefore he gets the least amount of respect and he’s treated like an intern. 

 

I know it reeeeeally sucks, but I think you should at least keep supporting him. He didn’t give you an “I’m not sure” did he? If he gave you a distinct timeline and that means he really wants a future with you in it.

Post # 14
Member
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@misskittenn:  I completely understand not wanting to use a day by talking about this. BUT I think that that is one of the unfortunate sacrifices of an LDR, sometimes you have to use your precious time to talk about the heavy stuff.

ON the other hand, that day might be a wonderful one if you both come to the realisation that you can be engaged sooner!

He might just think that there is some unwritten rule of engagements which says that they can only be X long. 

 

Post # 15
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I recommend the super long engagement route too but then I realized that you should probably wait a little while before bringing it up, bc I think him not proposing comes from being really stressed abt not having income, planning the going back to school etc so I just don’t think hes in the happy mindset to propose.

Give him a few weeks when you are supportive *even if it’s hard to do, at least be supportive abt his stress over school etc and I think that will make him feel more comfortable and secure, then bring up getting engaged, and tell him you’ll worry abt the wedding when it makes sense. 

Hope that helps. I definitely understand ur disappointment but I am assuming your long term financial futures are tied together so maybe think of it not just as his decision (did he consult u abt the quitting/return to school?),,that way it will help u feel like it’s the right choice for both of u…

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