Post # 1
My best friend is being a selfish B
Background- we’ve been bff since kdg. went to college together. done it all.
we both got married almost 3 years ago.
I had hesitations about her marriage from the time they got engaged. So, I’m not super shocked that they are having problems (all that i saw on the horizon). She basically admitted she got caught up in 1)needing to get married so she could move out of her parents house and 2) wanted to plan a wedding. She says she knew all along she was settling for someone that she shouldn’t- but thought she could deal with it— and she cant. I don’t blame her for that- however- it really bothers me b/c I’m of the mindset that marriage is thru thick and thin and you shouldn’t just throw it away…. but I’m also not in her position of being married to someone that is choosing to live an unhealthy lifestyle… to an extreme, lazy and just kind of stupid.
My problem is how she is handling this all
1) she’s cheating on her husband
2) she moved out of their house to live with her parents again…. but stays at their (husband’s and her) house when it is convenient for her (which seems to be about 50% of the time)
3) lies to her new “boyfriend” (another topic…. but another settling situation- this time i did express my concerns) about staying with “friends” and really it is her husband she is staying with
4) admitted she is dragging out the seperation/making it seem like she is “working on things” thru councelling- because she needs her husband to pay on her bills for a bit longer (like he paid off her car with his bonus last month)
5) yelled at her husband b/c he had family over tonight and “didn’t clear it with her”- she was coming to pick up her belongings from his/their house to go to her parents- and was embarassed to admit that she was not living there… she literally yelled at him. He’s paying 100% of the mortgage and household bills and doesn’t ever know when she is going to be around. She told him he needs to start telling her whenever he has people at the house from now on.
6) She left basically b/c he is lazy and unhealthy and they have never had sex as a married couple. I get it. She told him 2 weeks before she “moved out” certain ultimatums. He did what she said- and obviously- isn’t keeping up with them after 4 months or so. She complains about it- and I don’t understand why she even cares- she has made up her mind that they are “seperated” in their mind and no chance of being together as a couple again. In his mind- they are still married- and things are “ok”- just taking a break (like I said- he’s kinda dense)
the list just goes on. Morally, I’m to the point that I don’t even know what to tell her. I know divorce is a rough thing to go thru- but I feel like she is taking advantage of her husband (who is a nice guy that truly does love her- I don’t dislike him- wouldn’t want to deal with him on a daily basis- but you know– he doesn’t deserve this- he hasn’t changed one thing since they got married- she just got sick of the person she settled for…. that’s not his fault). I honestly feel bad for him. She vents to me- and i know i’m just the person she’s telling everything to- but i’m getting to the point that i am just like…. you’re being a selfish b*&^% and you need to stop.
How do I keep being a supportive friend?
Post # 2
mrsc630: I had been in a very similar situation but not as deep as yours as i wasn’t friends with my friend as long and she wasn’t married to the guy she was screwing around on.
I ended up telling her how I felt, and eventually got to a point where her telling me about her screwing around would actually anger me so I told her to stop telling me about it, and eventually due to her selfishness in this and every other aspect of our friendship I cut her out.
Basically, if you haven’t already I think you should start telling her how you feel about her actions and how it makes her look to you, which is selfish.
I understand she made a mistake with this guy in marrying him, but the whole situation, even why she married him, is very selfish on her part. She seems to think she is the centre of everything and that thngs revolve around her and they dont.
I say honestly tell her how you feel about her actions and how it makes you feel about her. she may be hurt at first but if she is actually a good person and a good friend to you she will see you’re just doing the right thing.
If she still doesn’t sort her shit I would honestly threaten to tell him. I know it’s not your relationship, but if it was reversed and he was using her, you wouldn’t hesitate. She is using and abusing him.
No matter how bad he is, she is 10x worse as a person, sorry to say.
I feel like coz youre so close to her you might not see it, but you seem switched on and she seems like she has probably always been self centred, and honestly woud you want to be friends with somene who could do that to someone she loves? what happens when an event arises where she would have to choose her selfish desire over you/ your friendship? do you honestly feel she would be a faithful friend?
Post # 3
mrsc630: To be totally honest, this seems like a really in-depth analysis of a marriage that isn’t even your own. I understand wanting to give a clear picture of what’s going on, but the bottom line is that you come across (IMO) as someone who is way too involved to be objective. Personally, if I found myself this invested in someone else’s dysfunctional relationship, it would be time for me to back up and take a break from the drama.
Your bottom-line question is how to keep being a supportive friend – well, I think you first need to decide if you even want to be supportive if you disagree with her decisions/actions (which it sounds like you do.) Good friendships have healthy boundaries, and you can tell her you are there for her but you’re conflicted about how she’s behaving.
Post # 4
I agree- She has always been pretty selfish…. Other circumstances have come up in our friendship in the past that I have looked past.
She’s always in bad relationships that are based on the guy financially supporting her (including the newest). My husband and i are actually betting she won’t actually seek divorce until she has a new guy paying for her bills.
I have started to take his side with her. I Really want to have a conversation with him- but i don’t feel that it is my place.
You might be right- i may need to just tell her i don’t want to be her vent person any more. As much as I support her- i just can’t believe that she truly is showing some horrible personality traits.
Post # 5
I don’t think it’s any of your business. I had a similar thing happened with my best friend and I broke off our friendship because I didn’t agree with her actions and lifestyle. That’s all I did and haven’t talked to her for a year now. That’s what you should be doing.
Post # 6
You have a choice to make. Either you stay friends with her and support her while she makes her own mistakes or you stop being friends.
You can still be supportive to someone whilst not condoning their bad behaviour.
Post # 7
You’re right- it isn’t my business. Thankfully, I do not live in such chaos.
I guess I’m just coming to terms and processing (maybe mourning?)with just how selfish of a person my best friend is- and i do not like it one bit. I love her- but I’m seeing a side of her that i just cannot tolerate.
Like I said- it has been there all along…bit by bit. But, I feel like it is plastered on the wall now for me to see. I don’t want to let go of our friendship… as it has been over 27 years! But, this side of her- I just….. can’t be a part of.
Post # 8
mrsc630: I think it is good to remember that you can never really know what is going on inside of someone else’s relationship. I don’t condone cheating but if they haven’t had sex since they got married that is some dysfunctional shit. Maybe reel in some of that judgement you have going on because you don’t know what she is going through or experiencing. I think a marriage like that would leave anyone insecure and feeling unwanted.
Post # 9
j_jaye: agreed. as I said- I don’t doubt why she wants to get away from him.
But, admitting you’re only stringing your husband along so he will pay more of your bills…. is selfish. I guess that sense of entitlement to his money while being so dishonest….. it just bothers me. I don’t care if that seems judgmental…. I just feel like my moral barometer is saying: WOAH…. look at the company you’re keeping- is this right?
Bottom line. I’m not asking for critique of my character- I’m aware i’m judgemental and this isn’t for me to decide and it isn’t about me- I’m trying to work through how to be her friend when i so strongly disagree with her choices.
Post # 10
mrsc630: I think as a past poster said, if you do want to keep the friendship you need to tell her to stop telling you about this stuff that you have a problem with, and if it does end up bothering you to the piint you cant stand it or you can’t see why you’re friends with someone like that, you will probably have to just cut off the friendship.
And to everyone saying she doesn’t know what is happening behind closed doors, thats true to an extent. This friend obviously tells the OP quite a bit, and if she did twist the truth it would be in her favour, not against herself, so chances are she is even worse than the OP knows because the woman doesn’t want the OP to think THAT badly of her. At least that is what happened when I was in the same situation as the OP.
Post # 11
mrsc630: She is most likely acting out in anger. Does she have access to money herself? Does she have a job? Because if not she probably feels scared and trapped. She is probably saying that stuff to you to save face. To say haha I don’t care that my husband can’t stand to touch me because I am screwing him. When in reality she knows without his financial support she is up a creek without a paddle and that she is in a terrible marriage.
If you can’t be her friend without being so judgemental then stop being her friend. Because you will never be able to help her or be a true friend if you are consumed by your feelings about her choices.
The fact is they are her choices, she gets to make them. I am sure you have made choices in your life that others have strongly disagreed with. The choice you get to make is whether you can recognise that your friend is going through a really tough time, is making bad choices because of the situation and needs the support of her friend to help be there for her when she gets to a place where she wants to stop making bad choices and to get out of her shitty marriage.
Post # 12
mrsc630: Some posters just like to pick arguments with the OP. It seems pretty obvious that this friend is being a selfish bitch. You don’t need to live with the couple or have insider insight into their marriage to understand that it’s wrong to lie and cheat and use people for money while lying and cheating. So to your problem: people change. Maybe she has, or maybe you have. Probably you both have. It’s awesome to have longtime friends, but sometimes you grow in different, incompatible directions. I would not want to be friends with this woman. You can not change her behavior — this is who she is. If you met her for the first time today, would you want to be friends with her? If not, let her go. Suddenly or gradually, whichever you’re more comfortable with. But stop confiding in her and stop listening to her talk about how awful she’s being. Let a day or two go by before responding, then a few days. If she asks what’s up, tell her the truth, “I don’t like some of your decisions and behavior. It’s not my place to tell you how to live your life, but it makes me sad to see it and hear about it so I’ve been keeping some distance.” Just because you used to be ok with someone doesn’t mean you always will or always should be.
Post # 13
Daisy_Mae: Thanks- I was beginning to think i was a bit crazy. Telling me I’m judgmental isn’t helpful- I’ve been that way for years- and it is no secret to me or anyone. haha My BFF obviously knows that side of me as well.
After I thought about it all yesterday- I’ve decided to just disengage in the conversation if it swings towards her choices that I disapprove of. Much like you said!
Thanks to all.