(Closed) Trying to be a good friend, but….

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: What should I do???
    Keep your mouth shut : (16 votes)
    20 %
    Try to talk to her about her REAL feelings : (63 votes)
    80 %
  • Post # 3
    3872 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I voted talk to her.  That is what friends are for.  This is especially true because you are not a casual friend.  I’ve had similar convos with my friends, and though they are awkward, true friends won’t let it come between your friendship.  Moreover, even if she does go through with it and then regrets it (which sounds pretty inevitable), by talking about it now, she’ll know that she is not just imagining her unhappiness, or the abuse by her husband (the “possesive” part worries me that might be the case).  And she will know you are there for her. 

    Post # 4
    4913 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    If you say something to her, you’re going to probably end the friendship.  This girl may not even realize what her worth is, especially after her history of failed relationships.  If you don’t feel like you can stand up there for the sham of a marriage, you should be standing up there for her.  But, that’s up to you. 

    I can’t tell you whether you should say something to her or not.  I would weigh it like this – what would hurt more?  Would it hurt you more to stand up there and see her marry someone who sucks and ultimately probably get a divorce and have never said anything to her?  Or, would it hurt you more if you say something to her and then she ends the friendship because of it?

    Only you know your friend.. none of us do.  But, I can imagine that if you tell her that you don’t like her Fiance for her and that she can do better and ask her to end the relationship and say that you can’t stand up there while she marries him, she’ll probably tell you to not come to the wedding at all and stop speaking to you.  That’s just what I can assume will happen. 

    Post # 5
    7528 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I think you should talk to her, you’re a very close friend and many times friends can see what we can’t.  But be careful and gentle about it, this is a touchy issue.  Approach her with questions and not with your own opinion.  Draw her out to see if you can discern her true feelings. 

    You are being such a loving friend to be so concerned.  I’m sure she’ll appreciate your communication.  And she may elaborate more on what she sees in him and put your mind more at ease about him, you never know.  He may be the right one for her or not.  But either way, continue being there as her friend.

    She’s lucky to have you!

    Post # 6
    712 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I voted to leave it alone because it’s not really your business.  You have no idea why she’s with him or why she loves him, and she doesn’t need to justify her choice to you.

    Post # 8
    1193 posts
    Bumble bee

    I would talk to her. But I wouldn’t be like.. ” Don’t marry him its the biggest mistake ever”  I would lead the conversation in a way she can be open about her feelings for him.. maybe say.. ” I’ve noticed you don’t seem very happy lately.. you aren’t your normal self and I am worried something is wrong. I feel like you have been this way the past X months (however long she has been with him). Is there anything you want to talk about? If she opens up about her relationship then you can probe a little more about what her future is going to look like with him and if thats what she really wants.. 

      I don’t know that is a really tough situation! Good luck.

    Post # 9
    7528 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @Tangled:   Yes, ask her questions.  And then paraphrase her answers back to her – that may help the lightbulb go off in her head without your having to point it out.

    Post # 10
    3537 posts
    Sugar bee

    @Tangled:  I’m not sure there is a way to make her see what you want her to see. It’s been my experience that people arrive at those conclusions in their own time, and everything prior to that ” AHA” moment results in  hurt feelings/resentment. 

    Post # 12
    955 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @Tangled:  yes i think thats a great approach! i once posted a somewhat similar problem in that i dont have a great feeling about my friend’s relationship and a bee suggested getting my friend to “fill in the blanks” so to speak and its been really helpful. my situation is definitely not as severe as yours, but if nothing else its a great way to broach what could be a real awkward conversation…

    Post # 13
    1953 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I voted to keep your mouth shut. As her friend you need to be there for her when this blows up in her face. That being said, as much as you don’t agree with her choice, its just that, her choice. She has to make her own mistakes, clearly she hasn’t yet learned from her past mistakes. Saying anything could just ruin your friendship. 

    Post # 14
    342 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    If you’re not willing to speak up, then you should have the decency to bow out of her wedding. It’s not right to stand up and support her marriage when in fact you don’t.

    Post # 15
    9168 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Say something to her about it!  You will regret it if you don’t.  No it probably won’t change her decision but you should still try.  You can do it nicely in a way that she won’t get pissed and cut you out.

    My very best friend got engaged to a guy I thought was all wrong for her in so many ways.  I came at her with it by saying her reaction to the engagement didn’t seem excited and happy like I thought she would be.  That kind of opened up the doors for discussion about him and their relationship and how I just wanted to let her know what everything looked like from the outside.  She remained engaged to him (didn’t get mad at me at all for expressing my feelings and we all still hung out like normal after the fact).  

    Well fast forward another year after this discussion, she is engaged for like a year hasn’t made any wedding plans and gets pregnant.  Their relationship had been going down hill for a bit before she found out she was pregnant but after that it spiraled out of control.  Anyways, they split up for good soon after she had the baby and is now dealing with an ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE going through the court system with custody issues, etc.  

    She always tells me she wish she listened to me more. You’ll regret not telling her. I know I didn’t help my friend but at least I tried and had I said nothing I really would have regretted it now thinking how things might be different had I said something. 

    Post # 16
    629 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    I know someone who spoke up( a bridesmaid to boot) and it was friendship ending. But being friends that long means you could have a conversation about slowing down and being sure it’s love and not just wanting a baby. If it turns out it’s a baby encourage her to visit a sperm bank (so not kidding). As long as she can support them I say who cares). You love her so the very least start asking questions that point out how little she knows about him.

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