- 9 years ago
Try to talk to her and be kind.
Try to talk to her and be kind.
I think I’m going to try to talk to her… but mostly try to get her to talk. That’s harmless… right?
I’ll probably start out by asking if she is excited about the wedding, and move it into why she is excited to be the wife of said guy. It’s actually not hard to get her complaining about him, she usually does it on her own.
Any words of wisdom I could pass on to her from there? I’m pretty sure she’s just going to say, “He’s nice. He’s possessive, but that’s just because he loves me so much. And I love his family, and I want a baby.” So what could I say, without sounding judgy or pushy… to make her realize she doesnt’ have to settle for this? I can’t think of a way to say that that would have any impact. :/ I don’t want to say anything that sounds like I’m trying to convince her not to marry him. Nothing like, “think of the terrible life that baby will have with that loser father, and you’ll be forced to have that loser guy in your life forever.” Something more like, “It is so hard to find love that builds from trust and respect, but the reward is so amazing and I don’t want you to cheat yourself of that.” But even that might be too pushy! Suggestions?
Here is my opinion. Standing up is not about your feelings, it’s to support her. That said, she is getting married for all the wrong reasons and friends are there to snap us out of bad decisions. I think you would be a worse friend if you didn’t very gently bring this up to her over drinks/dinner. Keep us posted on your decision. 🙂
I would talk to her very nicely to ask if this is what she really wants. Explain to her that you can’t stand by her side at her wedding when you know how unhappy she is. I would decline being a bridesmaid at this time. Just be there for her if the marriage falls apart.
I feel like I have to agree with Willy, though. Being a bridesmaid is about supporting her and making sure she feels loved. Not about making a statement to her that I think she’s acting like an idiot. Wouldn’t it be more selfish to decline being a bridesmaid because of how I feel about her future marriage than to just suck it up and do this for her? There is no way she doesn’t know how I feel about this guy, but she asked me anyway. I feel like saying “no” now would just be a slap in the face. I’ll be there for her when it falls apart, I’m mostly concerned that by then, there’ll be a child involved. 🙁
@Tangled: Oh no way should you decline. You already know how this is going to turn out. But you love her regardless of who she marries, right? So you stand by her but you still try to guide her toward making a stand for her own happiness. Dude, she’s 27. She has time to make a baby with the RIGHT man, you know?
You sound like a really awesome friend. Trust your gut because you’re going to end up doing the right thing, I’m sure. You know her best. 🙂
I talked to my friend this weekend. I asked her questions like so:
Me: What do you like about him?
Her: That’s a hard question. *long pause*
Me: Why do you want to marry him?
Her: I don’t really want to be married. I just want to have a baby and I don’t want to wait until I’m 35. It would take to long to find someone else. I have been through a lot of crap with guys and I’m just sick of all of it. I’m sick of looking. I don’t want to date. He’s good enough, so I’m just done.
I told her I love her and I’ll be there for her no matter what. But I don’t think there’s really anything I could say to convince her that marrying this guy is a bad decision. I tried to convince her to at least postpone the wedding. She’s considering it. I really hope she does.
@Tangled: Wow. That’s strange, I’ve never heard of someone actually entering a marriage pretty much knowing without a doubt they really don’t love the other person.
But, you’ve done the right thing by bringing your concerns to her attention. If this is her decision, this is her decision. You’re an awesome friend for standing by her. Be there for her in case this blows up in her face.
Or, she may end up falling in love with him, who knows? Stranger things have happened. She may learn to appreciate his good qualities after she’s married to him for awhile. (No way I’d ever do something like that, and don’t even understand it at all, but – to each his own). I hope she finds happiness, no matter what happens.
Thanks for the update.
Wow this is a tough situation! I just read your update. It seems like you’re doing everything you can to be a good friend. Just continue to support her!
@Tangled Wow! Well, you’re a really good friend.
I’m glad you spoke up about how you feel, I think that was the right thing to do. It makes me sad that she is just agreeing to settle like that.
If it were ME, I would schedule an intervention meeting with some of her closest friends and family and all state specific reasons why she should not go through with it and then present her with hope and inspiration about how great she really is and how she deserves sooo much better and that she just needs to keep being patient and the right guy will come along! That’s possibly a bit drastic, but that’s what I would do because I feel like marriage is not something to be entered into lightly.
You are certainly in a tough spot, I hope that she comes to her senses soon before going through with things, maybe if she agrees to postpone then that will give you and others more time to help her. Good luck, I hope things work out.
UPDATE: HUZZAH! She broke it off with him this week. I am soooo relieved.
Thanks for the help, Bees!
@Tangled: YAY! That is awesome (sad for her, but awesome for her future). I’m sure that had to be really hard. I think the way you approached it was perfect – she could come talk to you without feeling bad, and you helped show that you support her no matter what choices she made. Nice job.
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