Post # 1
As Maid/Matron of Honor, I am trying to be as supportive as I can and fulfilling my duties as best as possible for my friends wedding. Yesterday, I went with them to visit their venue because they were having a special showcase on preferred vendors. I was having fun for the most part but then I started to get super jealous. I hid it well but inside I was slowly dying. I realize I may not get engaged for up to another two years but I am sad because S and I are responsible and really have our lives together but he’s refusing to get engaged right now. My friend is basically having my dream wedding and since we have so many of the same friends I don’t think I’d be able to use the same ideas. For example: she’s having her wedding at my dream venue: a winery. I LOVE wine to the point I have a wine theme in my kitchen. She doesn’t even like or drink wine. At the venue, we were looking at dresses and the dress she was describing sounds exactly like my dream dress! I have to help her go dress shopping next month and I am kind of dreading it. I mean I know we are friends and have similar taste but seriously.. she even wants the same flowers I dreamed of having- anenomes (I even have a pot of them on my porch). I know it’s silly to be feeling so jealous but S’s reasons for wanting to delay getting engaged is to I guess secure our finances even more (we already are doing well). I found out how much they are spending on their wedding and I KNOW they don’t have that kind of money to spend. Hopefully they won’t have to go in debt to pay for their wedding. I am just so sad because I feel like us being responsible means I don’t get to have any wedding anytime soon- neverless my dream wedding. Also, I feel like if we got engaged and had my dream wedding that we wouldn’t struggle. I was being a good Maid/Matron of Honor yesterday and offering some valuable input. I don’t want to feel this way but all my previous angst over the state of my relationship just makes me feel worse. Any advice?
Post # 3
My advice is alway to take a good look at your friend’s guy. Would you want to marry him? Do you want their relationship? I’m guessing no. 🙂 She’s not getting a wedding she’s getting him. And good for her, but it’s not what you want, right?
All those details? They’re just details. If you love anemonies you can buy another pot and enjoy them today and the for the day of your wedding who knows what flowers you’ll want will go with the vibe maybe it’ll even be anemonies but it’ll be way way different – there’s no way to predict the details and they don’t really matter. When you are engaged to marry your guy, the things that will be important to you will have to do with making a binding legal (and spiritual if you tend that way) public commitment, not the flowers. Though your wedding will be gorgeous and only better for the expierence of seeing how your friend’s worked out.
Also, I might focus on your friend and what she means to you. Remember the reasons you love her. Focus more on your relationship to her than her wedding per se.
Post # 4
I can imagine this is pretty tough for you. It’s good that you’re still being supportive to her! Even though you guys share the same group of friends, I think you can still have similar elements to her wedding in your future wedding. I don’t think many people are going to notice if the flowers are similar… and as for the dress, styles change. I always thought I’d get married in a flowing chiffon number, but instead I chose a dramatic satin gown.
One of my bridesmaids is already talking about how if she gets married, she’s hiring the photog I’m using, wants the ring setting I have, etc. There’s so many elements that go into a wedding, there’s no way yours is going to be exactly like hers, even if your styles/vendors overlap at times. Just know that your time is coming, and continue to be supportive like you’ve been doing 🙂 Hang in there!
Post # 5
I think its normal to be little jelouse about certain things; especially things that you dream of as well. However you have to remember that they are just details. It won’t be the end of the world if 2 or 3 years down the road when you finally have your wedding that you have the same flowers or venue. I think you should continue trying to be supportive and remember that it’s her wedding. Even if you were engaged and planning a wedding @ the same time doesn’t mean that you 2 wouldn’t still be having it at the same place with the same flowers. Then you’d just be upset and jelouse because your having the same things soo close together. Maybe you should try and look @ it that @ least there will be a good amount of time between your weddings so no one will compare them. There are so many aspects to a wedding that even if a few things are the same there are still plenty of things to set them apart!
Post # 6
I’m sorry, that must be hard on you :(. If you think your wedding is another 2 years off, I HIGHLY doubt someone will say “oh they used the same flowers”… the focus is on the couple, not the details. Even if your weddings were in the same month, you could have the exact same dress or the exact same location, but the wedding itself will be completely different. You may see things in her wedding that you want to incorporate into yours OR you may see things that you had wanted that you realize you don’t like so much. Every single wedding is different so don’t worry that you can’t use your original ideas! I realize this is probably really hard on you thou, planning what you want but isn’t yours. You MIGHT want to bring up a “how will we know we’re ready” talk with your guy. Not to be bringing it up all the time, just figure out financially what your both comfortable with. I think things should be talked thru just once & leave it up to him. Maybe he’s planning it now? Some people want to be able to pay off the wedding & not go into debt. Maybe that’s what he’s thinking? I’ve heard the average ering is a few thousand dollars. The average wedding is at least $5k… I’m the exception to this but from what I’ve read on posts, you need a lot of money to get married!
Maybe you need to talk with your best girl friend, I’m assuming its the bride, to talk about your relationship. The real issue isn’t what flowers or dress she’s getting, but rather that you’re not engaged. I wouldn’t tell the bride “hey these are my ideas” but rather “i’m sad because I’m not engaged” type talk. Let the bride know you support her & will be there for her every step of the way, but just know that because you are the Maid/Matron of Honor doesn’t mean that your emotions are any less important.
That’s just my advice, I’d listen to a few other’s first… but try to focus on the bride & not think about what you want for your wedding only cause that will make it harder on you now. Plus, in 2 years you may not even like the same things as you do now. But go have a girl’s day without wedding planning, just talking about your relationships & having fun :). I hope this helps!!
Post # 7
Thanks everyone for the advice! I definitely didn’t let on that I was feeling sad with my friend nd I realize I am being ridiculous. I think I am mostly just sad that I’m not engaged and that I have to wait for awhile. I have some great ideas for my future wedding and I know a lot can change before then- like I want to include my SO in the planning process. That being said, my taste probably isn’t going to change that much and my friend and I both like the idea of a wedding that is “simple yet elegant.” Also, I’ve been in love with a dress for about 5 years and really only like dresses that look similar to that. My only hope of changing my preference in dresses is if it looks hideous on. I think i am also jealous that they aren’t letting money stand in the way of getting married and they don’t really have money! My boyfriend is financially secure and is ketting money be the main reason of not getting engaged. Grrr! It’s just so frustrating.
@ serabel- We recently had the talk about timing and our timelines are waaay off. I’m taking a few weeks to think about how to compromise and reasess my needs, etc. I don’t think his reasons for waiting are good enough to balance out my reasons for getting engaged sooner rather than later- he feels the same but vice versa. We laughed and just basically agreed we were at an impasse.