- 6 years ago
I need some help with an argument me and my man had on Friday, as I don’t know if I’m being fair to him and I think I maybe overreacted.
History: together 2 years, living together one, had the marriage chat and general timeline was to get engaged by last year and married by this then have children. He has a history of smoking pot, said he wanted to give up when he met me, when we got serious, when we moved in etc. Went through a period six months ago of being out of work and stoned all day every day – we nearly broke up – I hated it. Actually gave up 3 months ago and NYE told me how much he loved me for helping him get off (I never did anything or advised him or gave him my opinions!) and that he needs a strong woman by his side and I’m that strong woman, and he can’t wait for us to settle down and I’m going to have his twins etc etc. Background on me – I don’t mind taking stuff maybe 5 times a year on a ‘special occasion’ J, but don’t need anything extra in my life to make it fun or to chill out. Him being high when I’m trying to chillax just annoys the pap out of me.
So the last 3 months have been bliss (since we talked weddings etc). Seriously, we connect in a way I never imagined and we’re having the time of our life.
So anyway, last Friday he comes home having done a lot of sales at work and generally excited for the weekend. Then tells me he’s got a huge bag of weed to get blasted. I was very disappointed as (a) I thought he’d given up and (b) I wanted us to go out for a cocktail, or go watch a film, or stay in being naughty. As I prefer to avoid him like this, I suggested he go over to see his friends. So I went out with mine.
The next morning, he was out cold so I got up to go out for a lovely walk as it was beautiful. Before I left, I’d been up half the night stewing, and so wrote a letter saying these things:
I’m upset and disappointed you went back on your word after everything, I was frustrated that you said so many times you wanted to give up. You say that you don’t remember what you said NYE and it was all rubbish – so I feel like everything you say is insincere and what do I believe? (He gets mad at me for taking him at his word). When we moved in together you said you wanted to give up smoking and get engaged – none of that has happened. I was proud of you for having goals. Am I just sitting around waiting for something that’s not going to happen? I also feel like I’m second choice to weed – I was so excited to spend the evening doing something nice with you, and you were so excited to get baked.
Anyway, when we hooked up later on he told me he would give it up at home, but if he goes round to friends’ houses and it’s there then he will smoke. I also told him that I don’t want to marry someone who smokes, or have babies with someone who smokes and he says he wants to give it up by then. I know this might not happen.
So the problem is (if you’ve made it this far – have I really said that much?!) I feel like I’m being a little selfish, and I may have been too judgmental. I feel like its up to him what he does and it’s not fair if he can’t do it in the house. Also he said he thought I wanted to get engaged this year not last, and I feel like I’ve put him under pressure for proposing now too as well as giving up when really, he may not want to.
The day after, I told him sorry for not saying that I’m also proud of him for the last three months, and that I love him with all my heart.
Please, has anyone got any views, opinions or advice they can give me on whether I need to make anything right?