(Closed) Trying to be fair, loving and supportive

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
1944 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Honestly I don’t think you’re being selfish. It truely sounds like pot is a deal breaker for you and there’s nothing wrong with that. He needs to decide on his own what’s important here. You should be able to take him for his word without him getting upset. I’ll be honest and say he’s got a million excuses and it frustrates me. It frustrates me bc my sister is going through this with a man she’s been off and on with for 10 years but his addiction is alcohol. You either quit or you don’t. None of this well at home no but at my friends yes. I will also stress that you shouldn’t partake either. They will see it as hypocritical if you’re so against it and wanting him to quit to turn around and smoke even if only a handful of times a year. My sister clearly misses this part. Honestly if it was me, I wouldn’t be concerned with a proposal right now but with you two deciding what is going to work here. If he doesn’t ever quit, will you leave? You guys need to be open and clear with your feelings without feeling they are selfish or anger. 

Post # 4
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

It’s kinda a you quit or you dont thing, there can be no halfways.  I do not know if pot is legal where you live, here it isn’t.  And I personally would not want to be with a man and have children with a man, that may or may not get caught with illegal substances  which would in the best case Put us in finanical issues ( a fine) or have my kids not have a daddy for a while ( jail ). Also, if it is in the house with your kids, the kids would be taken away from YOU, and that would not be a risk i would want to take.

It sounds like any addiction ( save me the you cannot get addicted argument, you might not get physically addicted, but you can become psychologically addicted to anything), he will not quit till he is ready and he may never be ready. You cannot force him and the lying and lame excues will olny get worse.

What is my point, My point is that you are NOT being selfish. I think in your heart you know he wont change, and would you want your kids around this?

Post # 5
7387 posts
Busy Beekeeper

There are people who can indulge ocassionally. Your man doesn’t sound like it. He’s sounds like a full blown pothead. You marry him he’ll remain a pothead. I know a woman who married someone who “swore” he’d cut it out. Yeah right. He lost one potential job because he failed a drug test (mind you he’s married with children). Do you think he changed. Nope. Years later while on job that randomly tests, he fails again. This time losing his FT, well paying  job with benefits in the weeks leading up to Xmas. So open your eyes. If your not okay with his behavior now, don’t fool yourself into thinking it will get better. Either accept him as is now, or move on. 

Post # 6
878 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Pot is a deal breaker for me!  And it was a huge issue between my Ex and I.  He didn’t do pot (well as far as I know anyway).  But his best mate did.  His days consisted of Work, Sleep and Pot.  When he came over to ours, he was doing Pot.  I said I didn’t like it in my house, I didnt mind him coming over, but Pot wasn’t allowed in my House.  So he did it out on the verandah.  Not good enough for me.  So they would sit out in his Van in the driveway and talk all night, so he could do Pot.  The idiot would then drive home stoned.  That just upset me even more.  I felt ignored, just so he could do pot.

I think you need to talk to your partner and let him know how you truely feel.  Let him know that its a deal breaker, and that if he can’t find it in himself to let it go now then things may have to change.

Post # 7
3798 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

If the smoking is getting in the way of creating a future together, you might want to consider wanting a future from him. Sounds like he is a little too interested in other things right now…

While I know pot is not ‘addictive’, my ex in college became so obsessed with smoking and hanging out with his pot buddies that it eventually ruined our relationship. He was always breaking promises and dates and time together so that he could go party. While he was able to hold a job and have a somewhat normal life, he was constantly picking pot over our relationship and our time together.

There is a way to balance smoking and life, but it is like anything else, when you begin to let it run your life, something needs to change.

Post # 9
5885 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@weeble78: If he uses pot to help deal with stress, it’s only going to get worse. Life always gets more stressful, not less. Think about buying a house, parents getting sick, planning a wedding and having kids–the worry, the sleep deprivation, the effort. Imagine he lost his job and you had a mortgage and kids to feed. Now imagine him using the money you need to feed your kids and keep a roof over their head to buy pot. 

My Darling Husband is a recovering alcoholic and was a pot smoker a long time ago. Luckily I met him once he stopped drinking. But he is in his 40’s and he is just learning how to deal with stress and boredom. But he is committed to his sobrity so he’s finding what works for him. But without that commitment, he would have used again.

In your mind the pot smoking is just a few times a month, but it’s more than that. You have to look at the bigger picture and see that he is using it as a coping mechanism and that effects all aspects of your life, even if he isn’t physically high all the time.

For me, it would be a deal breaker. I needed to be able to accept 100% of my Darling Husband and nothing less.

Post # 10
1109 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Honestly I think it’s awesome that you wrote that letter. A lot of people would just put up with that stuff. He sounds like he has a lot of maturing to do and no motivation to do it. I’m not anti-pot or anything but I don’t think a good husband and family man would be spending money on pot and smoking all the time, even if it means missing date night or just quality time with his wife or kids.

It must be hard because it’s not like he’s a bad guy or anything, this is just a habit some people can’t put up with. I hope he sees how serious you are about this and you guys can work something out.

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