Post # 1
OK, Bees, I might just be on here to vent because my chest feels tight and I’m about to throw up all over my keyboard. So here’s the problem:
I come from a very traditional Chinese family (you can start pitying me now) and in Chinese tradition, it’s the groom’s family that pays for the wedding. My fiance’s family, who isn’t Chinese, obvioulsy doesn’t follow this tradition. They go by Western tradition, where they believe the bride’s family should pay. In fact, they paid for his sister’s wedding a few years ago. So when I was discussing the budget with my fiance, he said to budget whatever my parents could afford. I went and called my dad up for help, and he went on and on about how he just blew a few grand on the mortgage and helped my brother pay his college tuition…and how it was ridiculous for my fiance’s parents to not provide any financial help, and to expect him to pay for it because it was disrespectful, yadda yadda yadda. Anyways, we ended the conversation with him telling me how I have a year to save up cash to pay for it on my own and he’ll chip in what he can.
So now, I’m stuck going through my bank account, trying to figure out how I can afford this wedding on my own. The wedding guest list is pretty uneven since my fiance comes form a big family, and I don’t. I’d say it’s about a 90/10 split…and the guest list is about 300 people. And no, I can’t shave a few guests off the list. That’s already been discussed and is out of the question. Should I just suck it up and accept the fact that I’m going to have to sell blood or a kidney to pay for my wedding? I know everyone says it’s going to be my big day and it’s a once-in-a-lifetime thing, but is it really worth me emptying out my entire bank account? The very thought of it makes me absolutely nauseous.
Post # 3
@June14Bride: You can always have a wedding with just close family and friends and call it a day. If your FI’s family has a problem with it, let them know you cannot afford it.
Post # 4
@June14Bride: I think that you, your fiancé, and BOTH sets of parents need to sit down and discuss this wedding. It’s not going to be fun but it has to be done!!! I don’t think it’s fair that you or your parents are paying for a wedding when the great majority of guests are on the groom’s side, so there needs to be a compromise from all parties involved!
There are many Bees on here that can help you find ways to stretch a budget! Try not to worry too much!
Post # 5
Hmmm, if it’s 90% the FI’s family, then i think another conversation with his parents is in order!
Post # 6
Tradition these days in Western culture says that either the couple pays or a combination of BOTH families. However if you (the couple) pay then that gives you COMPLETE control over everything INCULDING the guest list.
If FI’s family has 90% of the guests then they can pitch in 90% of the costs. Otherwise you need to tell them they can invite a certain number (say 30 or so) that fits in your budget. If they still carry on then I would suggest eloping.
Post # 7
If you cannot afford a 300 person wedding, do not have one. A massive wedding with every family member invited is not mandatory and is not worth going into debt over. If FI family is going to get mad about a small wedding, tell them that is what you can afford so that is what you will have. If they decide to contribute money so you can have a bigger wedding that is great, but if not do not let them pressure you into having something you can’t afford.
Post # 8
Agreed….they can either chip in or cut their guestlist
Post # 9
Wow 90%? His parents either need to cut that or help pay. Regardless what gender your kids are, you just CANNOT hog up 90% of a guest list and not contribute a dime.
Post # 10
@June14Bride: I know everyone says it’s going to be my big day and it’s a once-in-a-lifetime thing, but is it really worth me emptying out my entire bank account?
Absolutely not. It’s a wedding. It’s one day. It’s not worth draining yourself financially over. If your families have a problem with it then they need to pitch in or stfu.
Post # 11
They need to chip in or cut the guestlist.
300 is a lott of people. It is your day. If you have to pay for it then you have to make a budget that works which probably means about half that size of people.
You could even look into a destination wedding that would help cut the guestlist down cuz only so many can travel.
Post # 12
@June14Bride: Wht can’t you change the guest list. Since you obviously are going to be the ones to pay for it then it is what you and your FI say, not your family’s or tradition. You can not go broke trying to pay for a wedding. There are so many more important things.
Post # 13
Eloping is always an option. Have the wedding you can afford. When you are the hosts you decide the guestlist, btw, so go with that. But yea, eloping is always an option.
Post # 14
They’re going to have to help pay if they want that big wedding. It is not worth draining your bank account over, trust me!
Post # 15
I would pick a venue that you can afford and then divide the guest list in half — half for your friends/family, half for his. If (when) they don’t like that idea, you can tell his family that since you’re paying for the whole wedding out of your own pocket, you can’t afford any more guests than that number.
Post # 16
FI and I also come from a very traditional chinese families, so I feel for you. However, from the very beginning FI and I have put our foot down and determined that we will pay for everything. This means we have control over our wedding. Put ppl only you want there, book a smaller venue so you can cite “venue constraints” when family asks why is it so and so not invited.
Having a traditional chinese tea ceremony at the bride or grooms house is also good for “appeasing” family and can be held before the actual wedding, and the parents can invite who they want to witness that?
There is absolutely no reason to go into debt for one day. Eloping is another option, but if your family is anything like mine you will have to dig me up because my mother will bury me alive if we elope! haha!