Trying to come to terms with changing my last name

posted 3 years ago in Engagement
Post # 31
Member
34 posts
Newbee

scissorgirl :  Who’s to say he will?  If he blackmails her, obvs that’s a problem. But he hasn’t. 

Post # 32
Member
292 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Aside from the fact that I find it really troubling that your fiance said he wouldn’t marry someone who wouldn’t change their name (I really hope he was exaggerating?), maybe you could just add his last name as part of yours? With or without hyphenation. That way, if your name is Linda Johnson and his is Joe Jacobs, you could just change yours to Linda Johnson Jacobs or Johnson-Jacobs. Works even better with short last names, but my friend did this as a compromise. She had built a career and liked her name. And I see no reason you should be forced into changing your name, especially because it sounds like it means a lot to you.

You’ve earned your name!

Post # 33
Member
1890 posts
Buzzing bee

Whether to change your name or not is 100% your choice. Don’t ever let anyone else make you feel differently.

Post # 34
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

You should have this discussion iwth your Fiance.  Print out your post and give it to him to read if you aren’t sure you can articulate it all in a conversation.  You two should also talk about your future children’s last name – will this Father-In-Law issue prevent you from wanting to give your children that last name?  This is an important converation to have so you can both understand each other better.  You might be surprised what you learn about each other.

Post # 37
Member
1261 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Can you keep your last name but casually go by his last name in social settings? As in, don’t correct people if they call you “Mrs [his last name]” but on written documents and when you introduce yourself you can introduce yourself as your own last name? 

This way you’re showing you have no problem going by his last name but you don’t have to go through the hassle of changing your name (since he now recognizes that it truly is a hassle) and formally you still keep your own identity?

Post # 38
Member
1411 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Your Fiance sounds appalling. But he is just ONE of thousands of people who have had that name over the centuries. Why do you think of it as HIS name? It’s also your future DH’s name and he is presumably a great person?

My view on names is that you ARE the name you were born with and have always used and that will never change. So I understand that part of your reluctance. I like the Spanish naming tradition much better than the British/American one- one double surname for life whether you’re male or female. But I understand some (most) women take their husband’s last name just because it’s customary and convenient in the culture they live in. I haven’t changed my name yet (I’ve been married 6 months) but I will change soon to incorporate my husband’s surname and to me that surname belongs as much to his (lovely) father as it does to him as it does to his female cousins on his dad’s brother’s side, as it does to his great great great great uncle who died in the 1800s. 

When I think of my own surname, the one I was born with, it’s centuries old. I am certain  the name has been borne in the past by rapists, murderers, adulterers, thieves, bullies and arsonists, probably even paedophiles. But it’s also been borne by kind, generous, selfless , talented, kind, well-respected, almost-saintly people too. Getting hung up on one person who has the same name is silly, in my opinion.

 

Post # 39
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

He sure is insisting really really hard that you make a social sacrifice without making any gesture in return. He definitely doesn’t seem as respectful or evolved as you say given that he has defended you like once in that description when it should have been every time, but obviously you would know him better than any of us. There’s a very serious chance that were it anyone else and not his father, he would have and he’s just afraid of him. 

The name issue isn’t nearly so pressing as having to deal with sexual harassment and repeated social attacks from this waste of a human being from what I can tell. I think you might benefit from spending some time on this forum. A lot of people on there have to deal with similar asses and could possibly give some great pointers.

I agree with a previous poster though, if you’re planning to take his name, trying to consciously switch associations with it is probably your best bet. It is the name of the person you love the most in the world, after all.

Post # 39
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

It sounds as though your best option is to keep your names separate. You’ve both decided. What’s the hang up?

Post # 41
Member
3332 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

It’s sad that he sees how much of a hassle it is and doesn’t want to go through it himself, but still expects you to (or at the very least, agrees you dont have to, but still resents you for it). I thought your idea was a great one, too bad he is so unflexible.

OP you sound like you’ll make a lovely wife, very kind and caring of your FIs concerns. Good luck!

Post # 42
Member
6812 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

His “compromise” is NOT making you change your name??? I can’t even…

It’s obvious that he’s very set in his ways (lol at all his reasons for not changing his name, women go through this shit every day!) and old fashioned (read: sexist) in this thinking. 

It looks like he’s given you the okay to keep your name, which is honestly what I’d do if I were you because of all the reasons you’ve already stated. It’s obviously something that is very important to you and no way in hell I’d want to share a name with that piece of garbage Father-In-Law. 

Post # 43
Member
2181 posts
Buzzing bee

kelly22790 :  I will also add that he said he feels like if I won’t change my name it’s like I don’t want to be associated with HIM

And him not wanting to change his name to something he’d share with you is different how?

Sorry OP but your Fiance sounds like he’s waaay behind you in maturity and character. With a father like that I can see where the fragile masculinity comes from, but whining about a little paperwork (that is apparently just fine for you to do I guess) and the approval of random people as if it’s on par with your concerns is embarrassing. Framing ~allowing~ you not to make any changes to your name as “my compromise” is insulting.

I think you should proudly keep your name, and if you’re not already please look into couples counseling. From what you’ve posted about him, it sounds like this is going to be a sore point forever if he doesn’t get some perspective soon.

Post # 44
Member
627 posts
Busy bee

I am worried that your default position is to “try to get over it” and do something that you don’t want to do.

I think you should either keep your own last names or create a new name. Taking his and “trying to get over it” sounds so miserable. You deserve more than that.

Post # 45
Member
2420 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m sorry, but based on your most recent update, I have concerns about the way your Fiance handled conflict.  The way you told the story of your recent discussion, he comes across as manipulative. I can just picture him pouting until he gets his way. 

Something to think about: you’re trying to talk yourself into doing something you find distasteful (change your last name) because you love him.   He’s not willing to do the same because the process would be “annoying.”  Think about the future conflicts you might have, and how they will be handled.

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