(Closed) Trying to figure out how to appease Catholic fam…HELP!

posted 5 years ago in Secular
Post # 3
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Call the family on their bluff.  It’ll speak volumes about what kind of support you can expect from them if a Real Problem comes up in the future if they don’t show up to your wedding just because you’re not married by a priest…and it would be worthwhile to know.

 

But, it’s up to you to decide what’s important, and not just right now, but what you’ll think about your decision looking back, whichever way you decide.

 

But I bet your family would still show up.

Post # 4
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I agree with the pp. I would just calmly explain to your family that you want your wedding to be an honest representation of your relationship with your Fiance and you’re not comfortable lying to a man of God. And then say that’s it, end of discussion. I don’t know if they’re contributing financially to your wedding, but dont let them emotionally blackmail you into changing your ceremony. Refusing to go to your daughters wedding over religious differences is a poor reflection on them, not you.

Post # 5
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I agree with the pp. I would just calmly explain to your family that you want your wedding to be an honest representation of your relationship with your Fiance and you’re not comfortable lying to a man of God. And then say that’s it, end of discussion. I don’t know if they’re contributing financially to your wedding, but dont let them emotionally blackmail you into changing your ceremony. Refusing to go to your daughters wedding over religious differences is a poor reflection on them, not you.

Post # 6
Member
1022 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@csy2947:  you can’t have a catholic wedding out side of the church.  be honest with your family and tell them you do not want to lie to the priest, so you are not giong that route.

Post # 7
Member
833 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

My mom was so sad when I told her that I wasn’t getting married in a Catholic church (or any church but specially Catholic).  At the end I told her that even though I did not believe in the Catholic/Christian Church (I’m agnostic) I could not in good concious willingly lie to a priest and attend a ceremony I did not believe in.  Furthermore, in the eyes of God (should he exist, or exist in the Christian form) he would be far more dissapointed with me if I underwent a ceremony that I did not believe in (aka lie).  It took a while for my mom to understand this but with time now she is more okay.  Part of her probably thinks that I will eventually get married through the church, but at least she is now supportive.

 

On a funny sidenote, since I was no having “only a civil ceremony” she though I should get plain civil-type dresses gowns.  Thought that was amusing =)  Wonder what her take will be like when she finds out I’m wearing a veil 😉

Post # 8
Member
7992 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

Explain to your family that God hates a hypocrite. Having a religious ceremony would make you into that hypocrite. We live in a world in which very few people seem to have strong values and beliefs in anything any more, and they should be proud that you feel stringly enough about your beliefs to stand firm.

Also, you know what… if they don’t come, they don’t come. Their call. At the end of the day, it’s an invitation, not a summons, and even if they don’t go to the ceremony then they’ll probably at least show up to the reception.

Post # 9
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2014

My mother is very Catholic and was pretty upset when I told her that my Fiance and I didn’t want a catholic ceremony because we’re both agnostic. She went and talked to the parish priest and asked me to talk to him too. So to appease her, I went in and talked to the priest and was completely honest wiht him about my lack of beliefs. He was actually really kind to me during the conversation and didn’t tell me I was damned or anything, but told me that even if I wanted a catholic ceremony, I couldn’t because I wasn’t willing to promise to raise my kids catholic (which is a requirement of a Catholic wedding) and because I didn’t believe the fundamental things to catholicism.I agreed. I felt like it would be considered a bigger slap in the face to my catholic family to stand up there and pretend that I believed all the stuff they were saying and I really don’t want to start my marriage on a lie.

After I talked to the priest and then to my mom, things have been fantastic. She’s on board with everything and while she wishes it was a religious ceremony, she’s respecting my viewpoints and not pushing her way or threatening to not pay.

 

I don’t know if maybe doing something like that would at least appease some of your family members, but maybe it could be worth a shot?

Post # 10
Member
4771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

You can’t appease religious folks.  Do you thing.  If someone can’t respect that, then they prob arn’t worth it.

Post # 11
Member
1074 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@ginger8:  +1!!

That’s a great idea! What is your mom going to say against the priest!?

For me, I’m swimming around somewhere and haven’t really figured out if I’m Catholic or not anymore. But faith is still important to me and my family.

Our ceremony will be held in a former Catholic chapel, now non-denominational and performed by an ex-Catholic priest who fell in love while in seminary school. <3

After the honeymoon, we will go back to my parent’s place and do a Catholic blessing, mostly to make my mother and very Mexican family happy.

Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
68 posts
Worker bee

As a craddle Catholic, I’d have to say good call on not lying to a priest, but with a Catholic ceremony, you’d be agreeing to raise your children Catholic and I really don’t think any priest will perform a cermony excluding faithful vows.  

 

That being said, go for what YOU and your FIANCE want.  Not your family.  Yes, a wedding is meant to bring two families together, but more, it’s a promise between two people to spend their lives together.  A wedding should be based on the love of two people-not on pleasing your family.  

 

I would, however, go talk to a Catholic priest about this or, better yet, two.  Your family’s priest who knows them and can give you advise based on knowing you and your family, and a priest from a different parish you can give you unbiased advice.

 

And as devastating as it would be for your family not to attend…It may have to happen.  This wedding is about you and the one you love.  Not the wants of others.

 

Post # 13
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Castaway Restaurant

Do what you and your Fiance want to do… People will always have their opinion and if your family does not approve then let them know this is “YOU AND YOUR FIANCE’S” wedding not theirs. Ever since My Fiance & I got engaged I feel like everyone has opinions on our wedding.. and honestly their opinions shouldn’t even matter because in the end its what you guys believe in and how you decide to live your lives..

Honestly I started a similar board asking for the pricing of Catholic ceremonies. And I have some pretty snobby remarks from “so called” Catholics.. Its ridiculous..I understand your Catholic beliefs are strong but understand not everyone shares them.. Lol

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