Trying to get advice on dating and marriage from women's point of views

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
165 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

There’s a guy I’ve come across who is a dating coach and he’s in a wheelchair. He has had so much success (but didn’t always have success or confidence) and teaches others (all sorts of people – men and women, wheelchairs or not, etc). I’m not suggesting you hire him, but check out his blog or Facebook page. It might provide you some inspiration!

His business is called “The Dating Coach on Wheels.”

Post # 19
Member
1260 posts
Bumble bee

tylersc485 :  Try a more social based meet up group perhaps (like XYZ city social group 20s and 30s for example). 

Good on you for asking the chess girl out. Sometimes it’s hard to read interest level (just being friendly vs interested). 

I have a friend who didn’t meet his current partner / wife until he was like 37. He has no disability or anything but always complained about women not giving him a chance and that he’s not attractive enough etc. He must have asked out 100s of women in his life. As he stopped focusing so much on getting someone and more focused on his hobby (salsa) and meeting people through that, he met some really worthy potential dates and eventually met his now wife. 

Truth is dating is hard for a lot of people especially men, and some more than others. So hang in there.

I will say that mentality makes a big difference. People can sense desperation very quickly whether you make it obvious or not, and that’s not attractive especially from a woman’s perspective. Maybe try focusing on expanding your social circle to just meet people without an agenda to get a date for a while, expand on your hobbies and make your life fuller (sounds like you currently live a somewhat solitary life style with most of your activities involving just you or people you already know).

I think expanding your social circle will help, and you never know who you might meet (whether through someone or directly). People generally find it attractive if you have a full fulfilled life style and they feel like they’re being invited to join someone’s awesome life, instead of “please rescue me from my loneliness and desperation”, you know what I mean?

Post # 20
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

tylersc485 :  you seem pretty closed minded, especially for someone who is asking for an open-minded woman.

Post # 23
Member
1260 posts
Bumble bee

tylersc485 :  that might be hard to achieve, most women wait to be asked out by the guys and expect guys to take the initiative. You just need to grow thicker skin really, and not take rejection so personally.

I did notice you mention the word burden a lot in your last post. If that’s how you see yourself, that’s how others will see you too. And if you date an able-bodied woman, you might end up feeling like a burden to her too in the long run, and that’s no good for any relationship.

I also suggest you expand your horizon to consider other disabled people. You might be surprised who you might meet. If your goal is to meet the right one for you, why exclude other disabled people? I suspect if you spend some time working on your view that “disability is a burden to others”, you’ll soon find that dating another disabled person isn’t a problem and it isn’t a problem for any future children either. A lot of disabled people are very inspirational and I would imagine any child would be proud to have them as a parent.

I recall my friend who considered himself not very attractive also had a list of criteria one of them is that the woman has to be quite attractive. And he always complained about the women reject him for the very same thing he’s rejecting other women for. When he decided to forget about that double standard criteria, he met a lot more worthy people.

Post # 24
Member
7816 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

tylersc485 :  I think you need to just try to swallow your fear and ask women out more! One rejection is nothing – we’ve ALL been rejected before. That’s not just something that happens to disabled people – it happens to everyone! I’m not trying to minimize your situation by any means – as an able-bodied person I can’t really relate to what you’re going through and all the different nuances of your perspective. But waiting around for someone to ask YOU out – that’s too passive – especially in today’s world where unfortunately it is still the societal norm for men to make the first move.

You sound like a cool guy – you’re super active, lots of hobbies, independent. You’ve overcome a major injury and rebuilt your life. That in and of itself is sexy in a way! So next time there’s a woman you’re feeling attracted to – just ask her out! Don’t build it up into a huge thing either; she may very well say no, and that’s okay. It’s just one person. But if you don’t put yourself out there by making a move, you’re really limiting yourself!

As for your reasons for not wanting to date another person in a wheelchair, I say fair enough. As an able-bodied person, I can’t relate to where you’re coming from, so I’m not gonna pass judgment. I hope you find what you’re looking for!

Post # 25
Member
1233 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Well, you do sound v picky as now you’ve also said you wouldn’t want to date a divorced mom. 

 

Maybe have some friends proof read your online dating profile? You might be coming across in a way that you can’t see.

Post # 28
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee

I remember your last thread. It came across as though the primary reason you wanted to find a partner was to make you feel better about yourself. You were placing all of your self-worth in the idea of some able-bodied woman coming along and falling for you, and fantasising that her love would make your feel better about yourself. If I remember correctly, you were asking about a specific woman before. You also stated that no woman would ever look past your disability, and that you had tried so hard to appear friendly and datable but that it hadn’t worked. 

Several bees told you that trying to act in a way that isn’t natural to you would come across as fake, but you insisted that none of the women could tell you weren’t being yourself, and that the only reason they wouldn’t date you was because of your wheelchair. Several of the situations you had previously described when asking out women did make you come across as desparate and even creepy. When bees had pointed this out, you deleted your thread. 

I said it last time, and I’ll say it again. No woman will be able to make you feel whole, and to place that burden on someone else is so unfair. 

It is always advisable to be comfortable and at peace with yourself before entering a relationship. Everyone has some sort of baggage, but we can’t just dump it on our partners and expect them to carry the weight. Someone who is in it for the long haul might help to ease the burden for periods of time when it gets hard, but they can’t carry your baggage for you.

You can’t expect a woman to come along and find you attractive when you aren’t even being yourself, you expect her to fix you, and you are so picky about her. What if the love of your life isn’t your current idea of perfect, and so you won’t give her a second look?

I have dated a person who happened to be disabled before, and their disabiity never once factored into my decision to do so. I dated them because I found them funny, interesting, attractive and enjoyable to be around. They didn’t see their disablility as some huge barrier between them and the rest of the world. I’m not saying they never found it difficult or frustrating, but they dealt with the challenges that it brought and learned from those experiences. It turned out that we weren’t completely compatible in the relationship department, but we remain good friends to this day. They are now married with kids, and have a job that they love. They never once let their disability stop them from getting what they wanted in life, and they never blamed it when they had setbacks. That is not to say that they didn’t acknowledge the ways in which society discriminates against people with disabilities, in fact, they very vocally opposed it, they just didn’t let other peoples’ expectations and prejudices dictate how they live their life.

I also have a patient who told me that they do not see their wheelchair as limiting, but freeing. They said that without their chair, they would likely be bedbound and far more relient on others to help them. Their chair allows them to be independent, go where they want to go and do what they want to do.

By no means do I know what it is like to be disabled, and your experience is yours alone. However, mindset is a very powerful tool. Unless you are clinically depressed, or experiencing another mental health issue, they you can largely shape your experience of the world by the attitude you choose to adopt. You can choose to be pessimistic and assume that all the world sees is your chair, and complain that you will never find a partner because nobody can look past your disability. Or, you could work on accepting yourself and stop fixating on whether people are bothered about your chair. Honestly, if the only reason that someone didn’t want to date you was because you were in a wheelchair, would you even consider dating them if you were not paralysed? Why would you want to date someone so narrow-minded? 

Post # 29
Member
492 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

You seem to have very specific requirements to what you’re looking for in a partner, which I actually think it is a good thing to have. After all, you’re looking for a life-long partner and not just someone to fool around with. I hope that you’re also clear as to what you’re willing to offer in return for what you’re asking 🙂

That being said, judging by the type of women you’re looking for, I think you should try joining sporty activities, book clubs and feminist-oriented classes. You’ll find a lot of non-judgemental women there with different points of view regarding gender roles (including being the dominant in their relationships, aka asking you out) with whom you might be able to connect better. You should also try watching some videos or read some books to help you feel more confident, as there is nothing more offputting in a person than feeling the self-loathing. 

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