Post # 1
My SIL just had a baby girl last week. This is her second child. She is married to my husbands 1/2 brother.
Both her and my brother-in-law have always been “too busy” for us to come over and visit. We live 5 minutes away. Every time we have asked to come over and stop by they are too busy, too tired, or their firstborn (now 2 years old) is napping….. and WOW he naps A LOT…….smh. After my husband have repeatedly tried to get together, we basically just took the hint and gave up trying. Now even though we live a few blocks away we have only seen them on their kids birthday’s or Christmas for the last 2 years.
My husband has mentioned they might be acting this way because they are jealous of our son because my in-laws see him every weekend (we bring him over) and they think they favor him over their kids because my father in law is his real grandpa, while he isn’t really the real grandpa to their kids (my husbands half brother from a different father). My mother in-law mentioned this too in passing, and also mentioned they might be jealous because my son is closer to my in-laws than theirs is, but that is because we bring him over every week, while they do the same thing to my in-laws and basically only see them on holidays and birthdays.
Anyway: I bought a personalized baby gift from ETSY and it was like $100 and I really want to be able to give it to my SIL person-to-person, but I literally told my husband I feel like i’m going to end up leaving it at their front door. I told her to let me know when a good time to stop by will be since I know she’s busy with the newborn, and her response was “ok great thanx!”…. I know I will not hear back and I refuse to keep begging to stop by although it would be nice to see my niece more than just on the day she was born. I have a feeling we wont see her again until her baptism.
Am I taking this too personally? I feel pretty offended. Maybe I shouldnt have even gone out of my way for the gift, although the gift is for the baby and not my SIL. What should I do?
Any advice on how to handle this would be greatly appreciated.
Post # 2
Well, she had a baby LAST WEEK, so I’d cut her a little slack. She is still probably very sore, bleeding, trying to establish feeding etc. Not to say her past actions regarding your nephew haven’t been weird, but now is not the time to press it since you guys obviously aren’t close. I’d give her a couple weeks at least to get back in some kind of routine.
Post # 3
Sounds like there are some complex family dynamics going on. I would let her know that you have a gift you’d like to bring by and you won’t be there for more than a few minutes and let you know when it’s a good time after they’ve settled in with the new baby a bit. If much more time passes and you still haven’t heard from them I’d put the gift in the mail and be done with it.
It sounds like they’re in some kind of self imposed exile. They think they’re being ousted but don’t see that they’re doing it to themselves.
Post # 4
Sounds like you and your husband want to be close with them and they have made it pretty obvious they do not want the same from the relationship. Why continue to push the issue?
If they feel put off by your in-laws thats on them for being stand-offish. It is lovely you bought your niece a thoughtful gift and when you do see her you can present it..be that tomorrow or at the baptisim.
It is hard to not be upset or offended but perhaps its time to put that energy into some other friendship/relationship where it will be reciprocated?
Post # 5
Thanks for your comments everyone. I think I am going to wait at least until the baby is a month old and if she still can’t find time to have us stop by then I’m done with it. Granted she did have the baby just a week ago but that doesn’t stop her side of the family from visiting every single day and the door to her house is basically like a revolving door to her side of the family yet it is not for our side. I’ll just drop it in the mail and be done with it if I don’t hear back.
Post # 6
LongIslandRN : I think everything you “think” about why they may or may not be close with you doesn’t really matter. They’ve made it clear through their actions that they don’t desire the same close relationship you and your DH do, and they’re not obligated to force those feelings. Also, regardless of any of that, the woman pushed a baby out of her vagina less than 10 days ago. Leave her alone. It’s completely her choice (and should be), who she does or does not allow over right now. Give the poor girl a break. Now is not the time to worry about what you want.
Post # 7
Why did you buy a $100, personalized gift in the first place? If she’s dodged you constantly for the last two years, I don’t know why you thought she’d want you to come over with a newborn.
They clearly don’t want a relationship with you and your husband (for whatever reason). You giving a gift or not won’t change it. I would wait 2 weeks, ask once more and then send it in the mail.
Post # 8
It’s sad but I think I might just let it be. If you two aren’t close, of course she’d have her siblings and parents at her house rather than her husband’s half brother’s wife when she’s just given birth. Don’t compare your family dynamics with hers. Bring your gift to the baptism and save yourself another $100 on a present for that.
Post # 9
For their own reasons (even if you’re blind to them) they don’t want a close relationship with you.
Do yourself a favour, let go and stop buying such expensive gifts.
Post # 10
My husband and I are introverts. I lived up the road from my best friend for 2 years and never once went to her house. She came by maybe once. We don’t even have kids yet so not even that excuse lol. I just like space and am very happy on my own. My husband sees his friends maybe once every few months lol. We both have social anxiety too so it takes us so much energy to go to things so we generally don’t. We just moved to the other side of the country and haven’t seen family or friends for a couple months and it’s honestly the happiest we’ve been lol
We stick to ourselves and are quite happy in our bubble. If I had just had a baby and I had a relative being pushy to see me, I’d probably be a bit more rude to you than what she’s been.
You need to understand that everyone is different and they might not want to get too close and they don’t really need a reason so dont assume!
I honestly think the best thing can you do is message her sympathising with how busy it is and say you will wait for things to settle down for her. Then text in a month or so and offer to just pop by or meet up (she might be embarrassed if the house is messy etc).
Don’t take it personally x she might be fighting demons you can’t see
Post # 11
Just drop the gift off on their doorstep and go home and send her a text that says “left a gift by the front door! I hope you are all doing well!”. And don’t ring the doorbell or knock.
Post # 12
Everything they all said, and I think you are right to pull bck , just leave the gift or post it or save it for the christening. They just don’t want to see you , that’s sad but you have to accept it . As you have to accept that of course she wants to see family her more than her husbands half brother’s wife, lovely and generous though you no doubt are . Its never nice to know you care about someone more than than they do about you .
And, if I may say, do be careful about jumping on the ‘they’re jealous ‘bandwagon , it can be a simplistic self serving accusation.
Post # 13
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter's Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
Leave the gift on the front porch and send a text saying “hope everything is going well, I have left a gift on the front porch for you.” If it was me I’d leave a couple of frozen meals as well.
Post # 14
LongIslandRN : Just wanted to add – while I understand it can be hard to see one side of the family “getting more time” than the other, there are sometimes reasons for this. I had a friend who recently had a baby and while they are close to both families she spent a lot more time initially with hers. She was simply more comfortable “not being at her best” around her own family than her in-laws and didn’t feel like she was “hosting visitors”. Her mom would come over and clean her bathroom while she fed the baby, whereas she would never ask her MIL to do that.
Point is – newborns are hard (sounds like you have a LO so likely know this) so maybe cut her some slack and don’t be so quick to judge.
Post # 15
witchypoo13 : Like I said, I got the hint that they don’t care to be “close” with us. I’m not looking to be “close” with them. I want to be able to see my niece and nephew more than twice a year. And she was at my house, uninvited, 2 days after I got home from the hospital after my c-section. Rather than writing a nasty-ass comment and making it seem like i’m doing something wrong by trying to drop a gift off for a new baby in the family is a little ridiculous. Thanks anyway though.