Post # 1
Ladies, I truly could use some advice. I have been with my SO for 2 years now. Long story short, we met at a work conference two years ago – he lived in one state & I lived in another. We did the long distance for a few months until we both made the decision that we want this & one of us has to move. He lived in a much better climate so of course, the decision was easy for me to move. I left behind my all my friends, and family though. Also with my job that I had been at for 8 years, did not have an opening for awhile so it was either now or never. I quit my job and moved (I’m back with same company now tho) He truly is an amazing man, & our relationship is extremely hard to define because we do EVERYTHING together. Our relationship has always progressed very quickly & he is 13 yrs older then me. He wants to have kids & so do I..but he has medical road blocks so we have been trying for nearly a yr. & a half. It’s hard but we work at it…but we also are buying a house together, and he is starting his own business. But hes not ready to marry me & this is so hard because I dont understand why he’s willing to go after everything else in our life BUT marriage. He wont even propose and when I do talk about marriage he says that I’m pressuring him. I’m not pressuring him, but I do want to know he wants to truly tie his life together with me, and not with just materialistic things. This issue has been on going for months & is growing worse & I’m growing impatient. He constantly uses me as the excuse as to why he’s not ready…but then why is he ready to have a baby with me? I really could use some advice. He says I’m giving him an ultimatium but I’m not I just want to get on the same page or move on with my life & stop making fantasy plans (which is what he refers to me as, “his plan”)
Post # 2
Stop trying to get pregnant by a man that won’t marry you, when getting married is important to you. This will not end well.
Post # 3
Why on earth would you WANT to have a baby with a man that doesn’t want to marry you!??!
Also, maybe this is “old fashioned” of me, but I believe marriage should come before kids…I understand “accidents” happen, but I don’t understand why people do this on purpose.
Post # 4
This just doesn’t sound like it will end up well for you. sorry.
Post # 5
He’s point-blank told you he’s not ready to commit by getting married. I would not commit 18+ years to this guy by having a kid with him.
Post # 6
Why are you trying to have a baby with a man who doesn’t want to marry you when this is clearly important to you? Stop. This makes no sense at all.
Post # 7
If he’s not ready to marry you, he’s not ready to have a kid with you.
Knock it off.
Post # 8
msuselis: So he’s ready and willing to be legally entangled with you through a child, but not ready or willing to be legally entangled with you through a marriage license?
You uprooted your life for him, your relationship moved very quickly, he’s 13 years your senior?
He’s an “amazing man” who refuses to discuss an important milestone in your life, but is doing everything possible to make the one he wants happen?
And your relationship is “hard to define”?
Post # 9
I understand what everyone is saying. He’s 39 and to be honest I think it’s something he’s doing just to say he’s doing something with me.
Post # 10
You could have a child without marriage, if that’s what you want. However, it sounds like you don’t want that, so I would stop letting your needs take the backseat and tell him you aren’t comfotable with this plan.
I agree with PPs that him not being “ready” for marriage, but wanting a child with you is a huge red flag.
Post # 11
Stop the baby making, and stop trying to buy a house with him. These are things that married people do. If he accuses you of giving him an ultimatum, just say “It’s not an ultimatum, I just don’t want to put the cart before the horse.”
Post # 12
Sounds like just another one of those guys who wants everything on their own terms. No one can ask them anything or tell them what to do or when. It alwayts boggles my mind when people think that having a child and a home together is less of a commitment than getting married.
I’d call his bluff and move out until he’s decided what he wants from the relationship.
Post # 13
Do you want to be married or are you OK with not getting married?
Post # 14
I want to be married! I left this part out orignally but I was married before to an absuive man mentally & physically. He was my high school sweetheart & my family loved him & didn’t care what was happening to me. After 3 months of marriage and one very bad blow out I stood up for myself & left. But my current SO likes to throw this in my face & say I must not really value marriage if I married an absuive man. He’s never heard of feeling trapped I guess.
Post # 15
msuselis: My Fiance is 8 years older than me and wants kids I think more than I do. We just had our 4 dating anniversarry. Im 31 and he is 39. We are getting married next summer and will TTC right away. I toyed with the idea of starting a family before getting married or even engaged but decided that I wanted my children to be conceived and born to married parents and I told him:I love you and m sorry but I have decided that this is important to me as I’m not ready to have a baby with you until I have BOTH rings on my finger. I need to see a full comitment before we bring a child into this world, it’s not something we can undo…. and I think if I am worthy to be the mother of your children then I should be worthy to be yout wife” something along those lines. A few month after I put my foot down… he proposed…. surprise surprise.