posted 3 years ago in Engagement
Post # 16
3332 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

You don’t *have* to get married, then buy a house, then have a baby in that order. There is no cart/horse in this situation.

You do however, have to be on the same page. My friend and her Boyfriend or Best Friend purchased their home together and had a baby. They may or may not get married in the future, but that wasn’t important to them.

Me and Fiance purchased a house and are getting married after, likely with no kids.

There isn’t a 1, 2, 3 anymore. This isn’t the 50s and having kids outside of marriage IS OK. But it doesn’t sound like you guys are on the same page about much else, so I wonder how that will end up. If I were you, I would think long and hard about the relationship and what YOU want out of a relationship in general.

Post # 17
2181 posts
Buzzing bee

msuselis:  But my current SO likes to throw this in my face & say I must not really value marriage if I married an absuive man.

What the fuck did I just read??

I don’t think this 40 year old boy is as “amazing” as you think he is. There were a lot of red flags in your post but this is a full on ‘Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200’ stop sign. What kind of asshole uses an abuse survivor’s past as some kind of shitty trump card?

Post # 18
3332 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

msuselis:  OMG. He sounds disgusting! Seriously? Saying you don’t value marriage because you married an abuser?

Dear god, GTFO of there. What other emotionally manipulating things does he do? I bet that’s the tip of the ice berg.

Post # 19
3903 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

msuselis:  wow… just wow…. some people need a high five, to the face… with a chair… sorry but that is what he deserves for saying something like that… you left because you were being abused… would it have been better if you stuck aroumd long enough until he killed you? Would that mean you value your marriage? Just wow…

Post # 20
7814 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

msuselis:  “I think it’s something he’s doing just to say he’s doing something with me.”

OP, you took the words out of my mouth. This is really cynical of me, but I am guessing that with his medical issues, he doesn’t think he has much of a chance of impregnating you anyway, so he’s just conveniently using the “let’s have a child” thing to stall you on the engagement.

The only reason I can think of to deliberately have a child with someone before you’ve committed to each other through marriage (assuming marriage is important to you) is if you just really really want the baby and you’re worried your eggs will dry up if you wait any longer. Assuming that is not your end game, this entire thing sounds disastrous. 

Post # 21
3529 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

He’s 39 and to be honest I think it’s something he’s doing just to say he’s doing something with me.”

After reading your updates- are you sure he hasn’t had a vasectomy and this is a way to keep you around because he’s attempting to “commit” to you through a child, even though he knows a child is not possible?

Post # 23
580 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

msuselis:  “my current SO likes to throw this in my face & say I must not really value marriage if I married an absuive man”

Nooooo. Do not marry, move in, or mate with this man. He sounds repulsive.

Post # 24
1326 posts
Bumble bee

Nope. Shut up shop (in your pants) till he’s ready to commit properly. 

Post # 25
244 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

nevermind, I told you to leave him, but re-reading your posts, I don’t have enough information to say that. 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  amygdala.
Post # 26
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

He’s 39 and you’re (by my calculations) 26. 

You’ve already married and divorced one abusive man. Now you’re trying to have a baby with a man who (1) throws your abusive relationship in your face, and (2) is open about the fact that he doesn’t want to commit to you long term? 

I honestly don’t know where to even go with this. I would honestly call THIS relationship abusive. He’s throwing your past mistakes in your face, brushing off your feelings about the future, and “trying to have a baby” to placate you. No, just no.

I agree with others – he’s probably already had a vasectomy and is just “trying for a baby” to keep you around for the sex.

Post # 27
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Your SO sounds like a real gem. I’m glad that he doesn’t want to marry you, because you are better off without him. 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  annalise9.
Post # 28
7417 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

I was initially going to tell you to stop trying to have a baby with him because it just makes no sense to make that kind of commitment to him when he can’t even commit to marriage but after reading your updates I think you need to re-evaluate this whole relationship. The first time he threw my previous abusive marriage into my face I would have been gone.

Post # 29
668 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Take a step back and read this if one of your friends was telling you this. I think you would be advising your friend to run as fast as you possibly can from this. This is not a situation that will end in your favor. 

Who tells a victim of abuse that they dont value marrige because they left the person who was beating the shit out of them?  What. In. The. Actual. Fuck?!?! He sounds emotionally abusive. I think you should look into a therapist and talking about the kinds of relationships you put yourself into. 


Im sorry my best friend was in an abusive marrige so this hits a chord for me. 

Post # 30
2254 posts
Buzzing bee

You’re with another abusive man, OP. 

Stop having sex with him, stop trying to buy a house with him — stop the whole relationship. 

You are with ANOTHER abuser. Do not put yourself through that again. It doesn’t matter how different he seems, he’s abusive and the abuse will get worse the longer you stay with him.

The topic ‘TRYING TO HAVE A BABY, BUT NO RING’ is closed to new replies.

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