(Closed) TRYING TO HAVE A BABY, BUT NO RING

posted 3 years ago in Engagement
Post # 31
Member
1427 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I’m confused – he isn’t ready to commit (to marriage)….but do you both realize that a child is commitment? So how is he ready for one but not the other? 

and there’s no effing way I would stay with a man that throws an abusive relationship in my like that. He’s gaslighting you and it’s so unfair to you. 

I would leave, but that is, of course, your decision and yours alone. Just be aware he is manipulating you! 

Post # 32
Member
9595 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

So he’s using you for your ovaries and potentially your $$ to help buy a house… But he doesn’t want to marry you??? Thanks but no thanks, I’d have dumped his ass yesterday. 

Post # 33
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

msuselis:  Are you positive he hasn’t had a vasectomy? I mean it would be shitty. But if he wants to keep you around with no real commitment why not say you are ok trying for kids when you know it’s not likely possible and now he’s kept you around thinking he’s giving on something but really he is just getting lots of baby makin’ sex with no actual risk of commitment? 

Post # 34
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

heputaringonit:  Yes! I think the same thing! It sounds like he’s offering some kind of commitment but only if there is a child, and if he knows that isn’t going to happen because he is snipped he has nothing to worry about. I wonder what he would say if OP told him she’s pregnant. Normally I don’t think it’s ok to joke about or lie about. But if he accuses her of cheating you KNOW he had a vasectomy! 

Post # 36
Member
6448 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

You are creating your own problem here, and as soon as you get pregnant the problems will get much bigger. He doesn’t WANT to marry you or he would have done so already. If marriage is a priority to you, why are you doing this? It makes no sense. If you keep at this, you will be here in a year asking if you should leave him because you have one baby and another on the way and he still refuses to marry you. So you will leave the father of your children and then try to find a man who will marry you? STOP IT NOW. 

Post # 37
Member
5048 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

Get out now.

Post # 38
Member
6814 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

This guy sounds like a gem…

Post # 39
Member
26 posts
Newbee

msuselis: Is there a chance you think he’s sooooo amazing because he’s the lesser of two evils? Kind of like saying, “He doesn’t hit me so he must be great”? You do realise he may not be physically abusive but he is emotionally abusive by throwing your past in your face, right?

He says he isn’t ready for the commitment of marriage but a baby is even more of a commitment. If a marriage doesn’t work out, you could always divorce and go your own separate ways but with a kid, that’s for life. You’re really stuck in each other’s lives after that. Nothing he is saying makes sense.

Also, you said he has medical issues that is making having a baby hard…are you sure about that? Is it at all possible that he is deliberately trying not to have a baby? For example, could he have had a vasectomy that you don’t know about? I mean, it’s easy to say, I want to have a baby with you and string you along making it seem like you guys are trying to fall pregnant. That would explain his idiocy when it comes, “I’m not ready to marry you but hey, I will have a baby with you!!”.

Honestly, it sounds like he doesn’t want to get married, doesn’t want a baby and just wants to keep you around because he either needs your $$$ to buy the house or is lonely and just wants the company. Maybe you’re a hot young thing for him to have on his arm. Maybe he knows he can get away with saying “not yet” to marriage but still pretending to try for a baby to keep you distracted because he knows if he says no to marriage AND says no to a baby as well, then you might not have any reason to stick around. Who knows? At the end of the day, there are huge red flags (and you know it). Nobody can tell you what to do. You need to decide what is more important. Marriage or life with this man.

Post # 40
Member
1357 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2027

msuselis:  I’m nervous about having a second child with a man who’s been begging me for 7 years to marry him. You’re crazy to think this will make things better or make him want to marry you, plus all the stigma surrounding it for your child. What will you do if you’re a single mom? I ain’t easy! Think about this before it’s too late.

 

Eta….neither of our children were planned

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  headoverboots.
Post # 41
Member
607 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I would not commit to having a child for 18+ years with a man that is not ready to get married. It just seems like he’s using your uterus to get what he wants and to get that house…

Post # 42
Member
595 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

msuselis:  he likes to throw I your face that you don’t value marriage because you married an abuser. Wow. With each post this man sounds less and less amazing.

In short, you want to get married, he doesn’t. If you get pregnant, you’ll be just like the number of other women on this board making a post in a few years about how you have kids and he won’t commit etc etc. Hes being very clear that he doesnt want to commit to you in the way you want him to, so stop trying. Stop trying to have a baby and don’t buy a house with him. If every single compromise you have to make in this relationship is a compromise on your part, then that doesn’t make this much of a relationship. 

Post # 43
Member
1890 posts
Buzzing bee

People are saying a baby is a bigger commitment than marriage, but not if the guy runs out. Which very well could happen if you’re not married beforehand, and he’s acting antsy about commitment.

39 is too old for this fuckery, and throwing your past in your face is cruel. Stop having unprotected sex with this man and start figuring out an exit plan.

Post # 44
Member
9853 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Your SO sounds kind of like a dick.

Either he’s using you for a baby or is it possible he knows he can’t have children and is letting you think he can so he can have something to string you along with.

Either way, I wouldn’t stick with him.

Post # 45
Member
6657 posts
Bee Keeper

It sounds as if you’ve gone from one bad relationship to another. If you want to be married find a man who wants to marry you. Period. Do not tie yourself FOREVER to a man who doesn’t want to marry you by having a child with him. Just don’t. 

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