Post # 1
I’m having a bit of emotional turmoil at the moment. A week ago FI rolled his car. I tried to take that in stride because he is going to be fine. I held it together because that is what he needed me to do. Then two nights ago I had a little bit of a meltdown on him because he wasn’t talking to me about what was going in in regards to the follow up for the accident. Finding out about how things were going with insurance and the police was like pulling teeth (We are long distance for another 3 weeks). We talked that out but FI was a little ashamed of how much trouble he is having dealing with the fall out. Translation: he is putting on a good a show but he isn’t ok. Fast forward to this morning. FI’s best friend was killed this morning when a truck merged on top of his motorcycle. I’ve tried my best to be supportive but I’ve never lost anyone that close to me. I feel useless in trying to help him because I don’t know what that is like. I want to say the right words, make the correct gesture to lessen his pain… I just don’t seem to be doing very well. How do I help him? I’m so far out of my depth. I’m just trying to be strong for him. He was already kind of a mess and now I can barely understand him when he calls because his voice shakes so badly. I can go see him but he doesn’t want me to. He wants me to stick things out here.
Bees I’m also a motorcyclist and I don’t know if FI will ever be ok with me riding again. He was hurt badly in a motorcycle accident before and refused to get back on a bike. I respected that and never tried to push it. He never asked me to give it up but I don’t think he will be able to handle it if I continue to ride at this point. I’m willing to give it up but it kills me a little inside. I had two things I was truly passionate about, him and my bike. He comes first and getting him through this my first priority but I’m also morning the loss of not only his friend but a part of my future I was planning. I’m also stressed about money after FI’s car accident. We went from saving well to having to pay for medical bills, impound fees, a new vehicle, etc. Everything has been turned on its head in the past week.
Any advice or just words of support would be much appreciated at this point.
Post # 3
- Wedding: April 2012 - Chateau Briand
First I want to say I’m so sorry you’re going through this! It must all be really tough on both you & your SO.
You may be lucky enough to never have gone through loss like that before, but just being there for him & being able to lend an ear and shoulder to cry on sometimes is the only thing that is needed. Have him tell you what he needs to comfort him.
As far as the bike goes, it’s great you understand why he may be against you riding. Maybe take some time from it; he may be too in shock now to be okay/feel safe with you riding but that disdn’t mean he’ll feel the same way in a few months. That being said, I wouldn’t offer to give up your bike. Let that be something he brings up if he feels so strongly about it.
Post # 4
I’m so sorry all this happened, and so close together.
You wrote, “I had two things I was truly passionate about, him and my bike. He comes first and getting him through this my first priority”
One of those things creates a high risk that one random moment, your life will end like his best friend’s just did. You just said it was the lesser of the two priorities. It doesn’t sound worth it.
Post # 5
@NoOneYouExpect: I’m sorry to hear of your FI’s loss. There are no right words, and no correct gesture. You can only be there for him and be understanding and supportive as he grieves.
If it were my FI, I would go to be with him no matter what he said. Will the funeral be where he is living? I would want to be there for him as that will be an incredibly hard day for him.
Just hold him, hug him, hold his hand, hand him a handkerchief (we use this in Crirical Incident Debriefing- it gives men in particular, permission to cry.)
Post # 6
@joya_aspera: I didn’t get that at all from her post…
@NoOneYouExpect: First off, hugs to you. It can be hard to be the support for someone who is in so much pain. You said you are currently long distance; if there is anyway for you to be with him for any length of time right now, do it. Just your presence would most likely be a huge source of comfort for him.
My best friend’s boyfriend died when we were in our early twenties. I tried to never let her see me cry and focused on doing whatever she wanted/needed while we got through it. I ended up handling a lot of the practical things (transportation, entertaining kids during the wake, picking up his things) but I think what she appreciated the most was jus the handholding- knowing she had someone she could lean on and cry to and fall apart with.
Not everyone grieves the same way and it is important to let him grieve the way that is most natural to him. If he doesn’t cry, that is okay. If he doesn’t want to talk about it, don’t force him but let him know you are there. Don’t constantly ask how he is doing or feeling. Let him do whatever he feels he needs to for the next 1-3 months but if he isn’t leaving the house or showing serious signs of depression at that point, I would seek help for him.
Also, I just want to say I think it is great that you are willing to give up your hobby because it may make your FI uncomfortable. It is okay to feel sad for yourself and how this will affect you as well, that doesn’t make you a bad person. For the time being, don’t worry about that but if he makes comments about being afraid of your riding, I would hold off for a while, or see if he is okay with you using it more on scenic roads/side streets for small trips.
ETA- I just reread your post and saw that you are willing to go to him and he is urging you not to. I know I said to do whatever he wants but if it were my FI I would totally ignore this and be on the next flight out! My guess is he really wants you there but feels to guilty asking it of you. Just get up and go comfort your man!
Post # 7
@julies1949: I don’t know if it has been decided where the funeral will be. I wasn’t something I had the forsight to ask. But it will be somewhere on the east coast since that is where all of his family is. FI is in Colorado and I’m in California. If he wants to go the funeral we will make it happen and if he wants me to be there we will make that happen too… I just want to do what FI wants.
Post # 8
I agree with everything @julies1949: said. When I was going through a very significant loss my fiance was physically there with me, all them time, and it also helped to see that he was suffering the loss too (um as sadistic as that sounds). If you can, go be with him, and hold him.
Post # 9
My DH lost everything in a house fire a month before we moved in together. We were long-distance but I insisted on going up. it is easier when you are there because then you can see him and you don’t have to say anything – you can just hold him.
I also encouraged him to go to therapy, which he did. I had no idea what to tell him in terms of what to expect. So I thought a professional opinion would help. He only went once but was glad he did. She was impressed that he went before hitting a bad patch and told him what to look out for.
I really hope things get better for you both.
Post # 10
@NoOneYouExpect: Oh honey, I’m so very sorry for your FI’s loss. I second the advice of PPs. I wanted to add that right now, you should try to stop thinking about how your own motorcycle passion might be affected by this tragedy. Focus on your FI in the moment and being there for him. Otherwise, I think you’re just borrowing trouble without knowing for sure if there will be an issue, and it will be a painful distraction for you when there’s also the work of dealing with his accident still on the ledger.
Post # 11
@joya_aspera: FI knew when he met me that I had made my peace with the idea of dying on my motorcycle. You’re either ok with it or you stop riding. I just don’t think it really hit him that it was really a possibility until this morning.
Post # 12
I’ve lost a friend to a motorcycle accident a couple years ago. I just remember being devastated because if he had been in a car, it could’ve just been a minor fender bender.
My husband (boyfriend at the time) was expressing interest in buying a motorcycle at the time and thankfully he changed his mind after that accident (mutual friend). But if he went through with it, I could never rest easy knowing how easily someone else’s mistake could kill him.
Thinking about the love of his life possibly dying on a motorcycle right now probably isn’t the greatest thing for him–I’d try to stay off the bike as much as possible until you see how he feels about it. I’d also try to be with him as much as I could. He probably needs someone to just “be there”.
Post # 13
It’s really early after this all happened to be worried about how his opinion of you riding a bike might change…you need to give that time. He might initially have a visceral reaction, but that might change over time, once he’s had time to grieve and begin to move on. You need to give him some space on that and focus on what is going on with him, and how he is coping.
I agree with PP-you need to go to him, despite what he says. Even if you’re just in town, and not staying with him. I think it will help just to know you’re there when ad if he needs you.
Post # 14
Having had a loved one die in a horrific car crash… I can tell you that both
@julies1949: and @Dancing-in-September: said is very true.
So, don’t wait for your Fiance to make up his mind to ask you to be there for him because
1- He may feel that pulling you into this awful experience wouldn’t be fair to you
2- Honestly, grief is a strange thing, he may NOT KNOW what he wants, what is good for him, or is able to express those needs in words
JUST GO and be there for him (H#LL I’d be on a plane already)
You will both be the better for it.
AND if the funeral is out east… and he wants to go… then don’t spend time figuring that out either (time off from work, how to pay for it, etc)
Again, JUST GO
You can figure it out on the fly, or later
When it comes to life it is truly a brief and precious gift… and sometimes gone too soon.
Friends & Loved Ones cannot be replaced… they far out-weigh anything else in life. Grieve what has been lost. Cause only then can you find the peace needed to move on to be able to rejoice in the life they had, and the fact that you were LUCKY ENOUGH to know them so well.
((( HUGS ))) to you all,
Hope this helps,
Post # 15
I guess I didn’t manage to explain the why the motorcycle thing is an issue. Its my primary form of transporation (As in its the bike or a bus) and I commute an hour each way for work.
I will also be on a plane home tonight. Thanks bees.
Post # 16
- Wedding: November 2014 - Philadelphia, PA
@NoOneYouExpect: *hugs* to your FI and you during this difficult and tragic time. I think it’s great that you’re flying to be with him. Just holding him and asking him what he needs will do more than he’ll be able to express to you in words.