- 5 years ago
- Wedding: September 2013
So I’ll start off by saying I’m extremely extroverted and a Type A personality. I was naive to think I could plan this wedding (though small) without losing my damn mind. I’ve struggled with depression in the past, but haven’t had many large stretches of time until last year. I’m typically a very happy-go-lucky, “everything will figure itself out” type of person.
But I’m in finance and lost my job last February due to a test I couldn’t pass. Job searched for four months, went on interviews, got down to the final two candidates and didn’t find a job until June. A job that I thought I’d like, but mostly took to pay the bills. Turns out it has sucked all of my professional joy/fulfillment out of me, and is about $4K less than I was making at my last job. So not only am I unhappy there, but my budget is feeling it too.
After I lost my job, I started to spiral into a depression and I don’t think I’ve come out of it yet. I still feel worthless most days, like I’m not living up to my potential, and like I’m stuck professionally or even backpedaling. I withdrew from most of my friends and for someone who is extremely social by nature, it sucks to look around and feel like I lost so many friends. I didn’t think I was worth hanging out with and didn’t want to bring other people down with me.
Worst of all, these feelings of worthlessness have bled into my relationship with my Fiance. I kept thinking he wouldn’t propose because he should be with someone happier. He proposed in June which I was ecstatic over, and I still know that he is the only one for me, but our wedding feels soooo far away–even now that we’re in the final six months of our engagement. He is the most amazing man I’ve ever met–kind, loving, sweet–but he suffers from depression as well. He’s also been feeling a bit smothered lately and has been trying to get out of the house a couple times a week to pursue his own hobbies, which has made me feel a bit lonely. So I feel like I need to hold emotions in sometimes in order to not affect his depression. Of course, because he is my best friend, the emotions eventually build until I burst and then I’m like sobbing in bed over things that are out of his control. Not even pretty crying, but the ugly snot-all-over-your-face, can’t-breathe kind of crying. Not attractive.
I’m excited about our wedding, but moreso, the marriage. I just want to be his wife. A big part of me wishes we could just elope right now. And yet, deposits have been put down, families have received save the dates, and I know I’d be disappointed if I didn’t have a traditional wedding. Saving money for the wedding keeps me awake at night. Thinking about $2K in credit card debt keeps me awake at night. Even though I’m paying off and savings comfortably with my Fiance. In our immediate families, another wedding and first grandkids are happening before our wedding, so I feel like we’ve kind of been pushed aside.
I don’t know how to stop feeling this way. I know I need a new job, so I’m putting in applications. I know I need to reconnect with friends, so I’ve planned at least 2-3 social non-FI things every week for the rest of this month. And I know I need to stop being so clingy and needy to my Fiance because, while we are a team, my sad feelings are not his fault and I shouldn’t be punishing him by wanting him by my side all of the time. Ugh. It’s just so frustrating. Some days I feel like I’m drowning and forgot how to swim.
Any words of comfort, advice, or cheer would be much appreciated. It’s difficult for me to talk to my friends about all of this without bursting into tears, so I thought putting it out there on the internets might be easier.