Post # 1
Ok so this might seem VERY minor but I can’t help but let it get to me. Quick summary: I had a very nice convo with my SO about his plans to introduce our families in the next few months–which is the step we need to take before getting engaged. I was thrilled that we discussed it and the fact that he was so attentive and making sure that I didn’t have even the smallest concern regarding our future and whether we would get married. He’s currently waiting on his parents to return from abroad–but it’s uncertain when they will get back (but definitely in the next month or so).
Anyway, I was so happy after this conversation that I decided to tell my mother–BIG MISTAKE. She basically looked at me like I was being naive and went on to say that she would be very happy for us if it happened. She doesn’t really think anything will happen mainly because nothing has happened up until now and we’ve been together for 5 years. She looked at me like I was crazy or something for believing that something would happen. Anyway, it made me REALLY sad to say the least. Now instead of feeling happy about things I have all this angst and feel like I have to prove something. I really wish I hadn’t told her about it
Anyone have a similar experience? Or any advice on how to deal with someone close to you whose opinion you value so highly?
Post # 3
My mom is the same way. And I’m engaged. It’s not that she doesn’t like my fiance, I think she just doesn’t want me to get hurt and it’s her way of “protecting me.” For example, she mentioned something about divorce to me about a month ago, and I said “well we aren’t going to get divorced.” And she just shrugged and said “you never know…” I mean, it would be great if she showed a little faith in our relationship. She also told me up until I got engaged not to get my hopes up, and that my fiance probably didn’t want to marry me. So I definitely get what you are going through.
It sucks because you are so excited and you want her to be excited with you, but I’ve learned that when it comes to relationships, I just have to ignore her. She’s done this with my past boyfriends too, so I’m pretty used to it. I would get really mad at her, and that always led to yelling/fighting which didn’t solve anything. So now when she says stuff like that I just nod and don’t say anything. I told her once that I don’t feel comfortable talking with her about relationships because she is never supportive, and since then I’ve really tried to limit how much I tell her about our relationship. Again, I know it’s super hard because every girl wants to have that kind of relationship with their mom, but instead I just tell my close friends who ARE excited and happy for us. Just know that your mom may really have your best interests at heart but has no idea how to show that. I still value mine’s opinion, but not when it comes to relationships. I’ve found that I’m much more at peace and happy with my relationship with fiance since I stopped talking to her about it.
You have to be confident in your relationship, because the truth is only the two of you know how strong it really is.
Post # 4
@Shirinjoon: your mom simply has your happiness in mind, and doesn’t want to see you get hurt. perhaps she’s seen you get hurt before and doesn’t want to see it happen again because she loves you so much? this is just how mothers are. just keep in mind that she is coming from a loving place, and didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. my mom has seen me get hurt a lot and date a lot of different people over the years, and for a long time told me she didn’t want to meet any other boyfriends until my wedding day! she said she couldn’t handle another break up! (silly huh?)
Post # 5
@sarahrebecca0112: Thanks so much, your post really helped me! I think I have to just keep some things to myself now since it’s so hard to convey the strength of my relationship with my SO and nobody really knows how much we love each other except for us. My mom loves my SO and will be over the moon when we get engaged–but she is VERY cautious to believe that it will actually happen. Meanwhile, I have no doubt that it will happen by this summer. Well, I can’t make her believe anything so I’ll just keep my mouth shut! Thanks again
Post # 6
Don’t let it get you down. Your mom is being a total Debby Downer about this. I would say the fact that your SO has talked to you about getting the families together is very encouraging!
Post # 7
My mom is very much looking forward to me getting engaged and eagerly leaps on any hints we could be moving in that direction. The grass always looks greener…
In addition as the other posters suggested, to remembering she’s trying to protect you the best way she knows how, you might also just try sitting her down for a conversation and explaining how you feel.
Post # 8
My parents didn’t meet my in-laws until after we were engaged- same with my sister’s in-laws. What your mom said would bother me a little too, but my mom is the same way. It’s best to shurg it off 🙂
Post # 9
@Shirinjoon: I agree with the other posters who mentioned that she’s most likely just being protective. A lot of bees have said their parents did 180s when they were officially engaged, then they were just the most supportive people ever. Even my own mom will say something like ‘just remember that’ if Mr.ND does something silly like partying too hard one night or something. It irks me, but I know she means well.
I think they do it just so that in the very teeny, tiny chance that you are having doubts or troubles, they’ve put that line out that you can come to them. It’s sort of a backwards way of being there for you, if you think about it that way.
Post # 10
@Shirinjoon: Good. It’s hard, but you will be stronger in the end. And I’m sure she will be thrilled WHEN you do get engaged. 🙂