Post # 1
I am new to the boards and I was hoping someone could offer me up a bit of advice and guidance.
So a bit of back story. We are high school sweet hearts we are coming up on our 8 year anniversary. We first met in 7th grade and the first time I talked with him I knew that I wanted to spend my life with him the first fall of high school we started dating and we have been together since. He is my everything, best friend, company, partner in crime, supporter everything, even my first kiss, and the only person I have ever kissed. He helped me get through college he supported me when I was stressed, sick, tired and scared and now I am trying to help him as he finishes school. After nearly 8 years together I feel like I love him more every day, but recently the green eyed monster of greed and jealousy has been coming out more and more often. I have been officially waiting for nearly four years to get engaged, it sounds silly but I dream about it at night, I am constantly excited and then sad as “perfect opportunities” come and go. So many of my friends and engaged, married and having kids it’s hard to be the ones who are still just dating. I helped a friend in a photo shoot last fall where I was holding a ring, the image went up online immediately followed by dozens of people excitedly saying congrats, which I then had to fallow with a disclaimer of sorry for the false alarm not yet!
Anyways the point is, he doesn’t have the money I understand that, he could have saved his money and bought a ring rather than a bike or some speaker but he didn’t which hurts me but I get it we are 22 nearly 23, and he wants his toys and to have fun. How do I wait and be kind, we have talked so much he knows my ring size he said he has a plan he pays attention to want I want, there is nothing left before he is ready, we live together have a dog, we are a team, I think he might want to wait until he graduates which I understand, but waiting another 2 or more years just makes me sad.
Any advice on how to be grateful and patient while he takes the steps he needs to, so we can start taking steps together, I don’t want to do an ultimatum, I don’t want to be mean or hurtfully or anything like that. I just want to wait without being sad or upset, how does one do that?
Post # 2
I was with my Fiance for 10 years before he proposed. His big factor for waiting so long was that he didn’t have the money to buy the ring and wanted to wait until he was done with school. Plus the pressue of our families didn’t help either. But it didn’t help when he would buy a car or other toys, so I completely understand how you feel. I told another bee this, I was to the point where I knew it was going to happen so I finally learned to be content and wait. It felt like the longest waiting game but the month before he graduated we went to Jamaica and he proposed. I had no clue because I thought he would do it after he graduated.
My advise to you, especially since you have talked to him, is just to be patient. Enjoy your time together as boyfriend and girlfriend, you are still young. If you are both committed then it will happen. If it doesn’t a year after he graduates, then you need to have a serious talk with him! lol
Post # 3
I am so relieved to here that there is at least one other person out there who had to wait such a long time, I know it is going to happen, I have asked him to just tell me not for a year not for two years, at the same time he will not say this year, I think that unknown is what gets to me knowing it could be around the corner but also knowing chances are it is not. I try to confide in my friends but they are quick to belittle our relationship for some reason though I am not sure why, they ask why it matters and why I want to get married so badly and what is going to change. But a week later they will be talking about taking couples photos and going ring shopping after only a year or less together. I don’t want to my SO to feel pressured when I feel the need to talk about it but I can’t talk to my friends. Did you have any one thing that helped while you were waiting a, hobby or something that helped to side track you? How did you graciously talk with friends and family when dealing with frustrating questions or attending weddings?
Post # 4
Waiting is so hard I am currently doing it myself. Think of the positives of waiting maybe, you are only 22 you have lots of time! I was previously engaged when I was 23 after 6 years of waiting and every holiday or event I would end up in tears that he didn’t propose. A month after he proposed it became crystal clear he was the wrong guy and I left him.
I am in no way saying this is whats going to happen that just happens to be my story.
I would focus on the relationship and making that as strong as possible, maybe even allowing yourself sometime every so often to have a to have wedding brain. Maybe by yourself or with a friend you think will be supportive and get out all your thoughts and feeling out on the topic (this might be a good place too as there are a lot of people in the same place as you)
Also might be nice to know that financially you probably will be better off after he graduates and you are more in a position to purchase a ring and plan a wedding. Good Luck and I think all will work out for you just try not to drive yourself crazy I know its hard!
Post # 5
Money is the worst reason not to be engaged! It’s our reason too, and it’s so unfair for that to be the only thing stopping from moving a relationship forward. We’re one of those couples too that have been together forever, have a home and a pet and still the BF/GF title and I hate it. I’ve been waiting for three years, and it’s so frustrating to want to be more, to get married and know that its only money stopping it!
I don’t really have any advice, aside from frustrating is normal. It sucks. It sucks not being able to afford a ring but apparently you can afford a new toy.
Post # 6
sounds like he’s comfortable “playing house” and nowhere close to getting married right now
Post # 7
I don’t know about everyone else but at some point girlfriend almost becomes a dirty word when you want to be a wife.
Post # 8
thats the perfect way to explain it. I hate introducing him or refering to him as my boyfriend, the same term a 15 year old uses for the guy shes seen for 3 weeks.
Post # 10
I agree completely with the idea that it feels kind of “dirty” to still be a girlfriend, we have come so far as a couple that the title girlfriend/boyfriend just doesn’t seem to justify our relationship. As far as being comfortable goes, I would agree to a degree, he talks about getting engaged, he pays extra close attention when we happen to see someone proposing in a movie or on TV, he calls me his wifey and his TWIT (trophy wife in training). As far as planning a wedding we have talked about what we would like to do and wouldn’t how many people we would want to come and so on, he has told me what dresses he does and doesn’t like, colors, time of year everything. I don’t see the point of going crazy planning a dream wedding when it might be 3,4 maybe even further away.
I am not sure if it is just money or if he is nervous or what, his best friend from high school got engaged about 2 months ago and sent him a message saying beat you too it, to which he fallowed I know it shouldn’t be about the money but it is, he said he is in no rush. Which hurt I guess that’s what I get for using his computer sometimes. We talked about it a little but he never really gave me a clear reason why he is in no rush. I know being rude or pushy won’t help so I am trying to be patient and I know it is going to happen sooner or later I just wish it was sooner rather than later.
Post # 12
TWifeit: I feel for you and am kind of in the same boat where money/financial stability is an issue. You feel like you are giving your all to the relationship and the man and not receiving the message in return that you are valuable. At least that is how I sometimes feel. It’s especially hard when you feel like your man loves you, but he seems to be dragging his feet around a committed future together.
The only way I know how to make it better is to begin putting more focus on yourself and your own value and worth. Don’t let his lack of action or decision define that for you. Start putting more time and energy into your dreams and goals. It may not change your SO’s readiness or willingness to commit, but it will help you feel better about yourself.
I would also suggest you stop “doing the most” for your SO. “Doing the most” is what a wife does for her husband because they are in a lasting committed relationship. He hasn’t given you that title yet, so don’t feel that you have to “do the most” for him, i.e. cook meals all the time, play wifey, be a financial shoulder etc. You can define what it means for you and be a girlfriend only.
I wish you the best…Cheers and keep your head up!