(Closed) Trying to wait…but it's not working out so well…

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I can see from your post that you are a really goal oriented person and hopefully by now he realizes it. However do you really want to marry a guy who is not ready to get married? I would think if you are pushing that hard it would put him off. I find with my hubby it usually has the opposite effect and then I feel like a child who didn’t get her way bah! Honestly if it were me I would throw myself into doing some of the things I had always wanted to do classes, traveling whatever. Imagine his face when you announce your taking a vacation and oh did you want to come? Hopefully maybe he’ll work on himself and maybe become ready to get married. If you keep on throwing tantrums and pushing and he does propose you’ll be left wondering why he proposed. Like was it because he wants to marry you or because you gave him no choice ( really this isn’t what you want). Keep yourself busy with a new goal and set this one aside for awhile πŸ™‚

Post # 4
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

How old is he? I’ve found that no matter how long couples are together, a lot of men in their early to mid twenties just aren’t ready to get married yet.

Post # 8
Member
699 posts
Busy bee

@stillwaiting88:  Believe me, life doesn’t end at 25-30 etc. You have so much ahead of you . Do you really want a proposal just because you pestered him ito it? and how willl you know if HE truly wants it?| I’ve been waiitng for 3+ years & let me tell you that if you pester and harrass him about it, he;ll back off so quick, you wont see him for smoke. Its like getting the horse to drink, if he doesn’ty want to, then nothing can make him. I know marriage is important and all but it shouldn’t discintegrate what you have. I say just don’t obsese and do thing s for your self, join a club, do things with your friends. have fun. when the time comes, it’ll be because HE wants as well as you. thats the best advice i have

 

Post # 9
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I’m going to be completely honest with you, b/c I wish someone was with me.
This is my opinion, and I’m hoping it helps you, but of course you have the right to ignore it completely.

        I understand your frustration. I did it too….. I completely feel your pain…. But I think you should be careful in which direction you go from here.

You’re ready for marriage, and he obviously is not (or doesn’t want to be… but thats another story). That isn’t the “be all and end all in a relationship (unless you want it to be… but based on your actions, you don’t want it to be).
I think the tantrums are just showing him (and the rest of the world) that you’re not mature enough to get married. So I’m pleased to hear you’ve gotten away from that. But I think that doing things like “making plans to go on a vacation without him/ or not inclusing him in things” is going to give you negative results as well.

     I think it’s at this point I must confess that my career is relationship/ marriage/ personal counselling…..

From what you’ve said, that he has said to you, it is in my opinion that he hasn’t proposed because you are no longer acting like the woman he fell in love with and wanted to marry. (Now, I’m not saying he doesn’t love you or want to marry you, or that you aren’t the person he fell in love with…. just that you’ve lost her a little, and you’re not ACTING like that anymore.)  

Throwing tantrums makes her perceive you as high maintenance and difficult (and those aren’t typically qualities that a man looks for in a potential wife, where as driven and dedicated are)….. excluding him will come across as you trying to punish him, and make a point… which will send the same message, (and thus far, we’ve seen his reaction to that.. and it isn’t getting the results you like).

To be honest, you’re young (yes, you feel like an adult .. you are!…. You feel like you’re ready… you might be….. but really, you’re young, and that’s not a bad thing… AT ALL!) the current average age of individuals getting married is in their 30’s…., so in that light… really you’re 10 years away from being at the “panic” mode point, which you’re at now. (Now, I’m not saying, you’re too young to get married, so please don’t misunderstand me.)

When he met you, and before the problems started you were driven, focused on school, and on improving yourself (through school, because that is what school is… anyways). You were independant, and although maybe you wanted to get married, you weren’t desperate to do so. That is who he fell in love with. Now, I’m not saying you can’t WANT to get married… but desperate… being desperate for anything is not healthy.

It is my personal belief, that as long as you are focusing your personal “drive” towards marriage, your relationship with him will never be what you want it to be.

On a different note, I think it is important for you and your boyfriend to sit down and have a (CALM but) serious talk. I think neither of you are being honest with eachother, and to be honest.. I think you’re both playing games at this point.
     I think at this point it’s important for you to know where he is coming from in terms of wanting to wait for marriage (please be careful not to use accusatory speech like “why wont you propose?!”, try something like “I’d like to understand your feelings about marriage”). Many men who have been with a woman for four years, will have proposed… because if he wants to marry you he will BUT there are always valid reasons why he may have put it on hold (ie: you’re not acting the same way as you were when he wanted to marry you).
You need to listen to his feelings, and calmly just let him know he can be completely honest with you, and you want to have an adult conversation and not fight. 
         You need to know honestly if he does want to marry you still, and his concerns regarding it/ why he doesn’t want to right now.

     Many women skip this stage because theyre worried about what he says, but at this point, you’re better off knowing now than in another 4 years. But you also can’t keep trying to convince him of what a good “catch” or a “good woman” you are. Do you really want to have to convince someone to marry you?!

You’re obviously an intelligent woman, and very driven. But “driven” to get married, NEVER ends well. You have a lot going for you, and you don’t need to convince him of that, he started dating you, he wanted to marry you… he obviously sees that.

I know this situation can be hard, but honestly, you’re making it harder on yourself by doing this.

Marriage is wonderful, but it should NEVER be a goal… I’ve seen sooo many young girls searching for a marriage, which society encourages, but it never ends well. It needs to happen naturally for it to be sucessful. Now, given the four-year mark in your relationship I do understand that you’re not out “trolling” for a husband.. you’re obviously in a commited relationship.. but theres some disjunction between what you want, and what you believe is going on, and what he wants.

I know that you’ll be happy, that’s not a doubt… But I think you need to take a serious look at the situation. I’m sure you’re not happy right now with the situation (or you wouldn’t be so upset). I think you need to focus on you. Like the above poster said, take some classes, do things you love (not wedding related), but don’t exclude him either. Just try to enjoy life.
If you truly cannot live with him anymore without him proposing give yourself a dead line to leave (but don’t give him a deadline).
          To be completely honest (I’m telling you this as a friend, and beehive sister… I would and did say this to my sister 2 months ago)… I think that the fact that you have a little savings account so you can “leave” if necessary is telling. (1. It tells me you’re extremely intelligent, and 2. It tells me you’re willing to leave, which isn’t a bad thing.. it’s actually a good thing). If you’re truly unhappy with your current situation, leaving may be something you should consider, maybe he is just stringing you along… but you need to calmly talk to him and just tell him he can be completely honest with you (but you also need to hold up your end and stay calm, no yelling, no saying “well you said….”), you need to approach this like an adult…..

No matter what happens you’ll be okay, as long as you stay true to youself.

– M

Sorry the post is long winded…and possibly a bit rambly… (It is a sunday morning lol)
As always, it’s your right to completely ignore any post that is posted to you online, It was only meant to help.

Post # 10
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Honestly I think you are going about this wrong way. First of all I can tell you from prior experience it’s horrible feeling to have ring on your finger after having to beg, plead, and threaten for it. You will spend a long time thinking about the fact that you have to practically dragg this guy to the alter. Second being ambitious is great but this isn’t school or your career it’s your life. Getting married isn’t about a goal being checked off and keeping up with other people.

Your behavior is franky childish and manipulative and I can see it back firing on your big time, in fact the fact that he talking about breaking up should have clued you in on this. Throwing temper tantrums will only show your So that you uncapeable of rational adult conversations, and if this is how you acting now is going to have spend his life being treated like this when you have a disagreement? Also trying to blame your bad behavior on him wrong in every way. You need to own your choice and behaviors, in fact if a female friend told me a spouse said that to her I tell her to run for the hills.The biggest issue I see here trying to bait him and cause jealousy. The same way you want to show him that someone can snatch up, I’m sure they are plenty of fish in the sea who would also love to snatch up your boyfriend.

The major thing you need to ask yourself is How you feel if he did those things to you? You seem like a smart girl, and I’m sure evne though you didn’t mention him the reason you want to get married is because you love him and want to spend your life with him. However your behavior is horrible and not the best way to behave in relationship or even a marriage.

You should live your life in ways that you want and back off a little. But don’t cut him out so much so that he feels he not needed and the relatinship isn’t important. YOu wait until you both are calm and have som serious adult conversations. You have a right to make a choice to leave and not to spend your life in limbo waiting for him to make up his mind. You have valid points and concerns that is being overshadowed by your bad behavior.  Tell him all the reasons you love him, all the reasons you want to spend your life togehter. Then make a reasonable timeline of how much longer you be willing to wait. Make it clear to him if he proposes and behaves how he did before by ignoring the issue then you will be forced to move on with his life. My final word of advice is if you decides decide to get married I would consider going to couples couseling to work on having better communications skills and dialouge that is less toxic. Good luck!

 

Post # 12
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee

@Ms.Meghann:  Just read this thread, and wanted to say I love your advice!

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