(Closed) Trying too hard with SO’s family

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
302 posts
Helper bee

Florence- I can totally relate on some levels.  My Boyfriend or Best Friend and I have been together for 4.5 years and we both live in our respective family’s homes. Granted, the first 2 yrs I was living/going to school 1000 miles away, but when i was at home i was always commuting to and from his house, and he the same with mine.  First of all, i will say that this SUCKS and it is starting to get to the point where we are bickering over who will be driving that night. this sucks. Plus, we do stay overnight at each others’ families’ houses, and even if we didn’t “do”anything that night, it is still often times awkward in the morning when I see his parents.

Now onto the family issue.  Our situation is different–his family does not expect me to clear tables/clean/cook, in fact when I try to they tell me not to.  Now, I think it is great that you are generous enough to help them with the household duties.  It’s kind of a good way to “get on their good side,” in a way, since you are in a sense still “wooing” him and his family.  But it seems to me that they may be getting too comfortable with this and taking advantage of you. I think you should mention your feelings to your BF–it would be way harder to try to discuss this with the family, and you don’t want to hurt them.  See what he says and if he has any suggestions as to how you can just be a comfortable, yet respectful (as you have proven) guest while visiting.  Hopefully when you 2 are able to get married and live together, when his family comes over as guests then you can show them how a host/hostess should really behave.

Post # 4
468 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I’d recommend that you tone it down a bit. You cannot (and should not) keep trying to be all things to all people and eventually it wiwll become too much for you. If Fiance and his family cannot love and appreciate you for who you are and not for what you do, then that is their problem.

In all fairness though (and please forgive me if this souns harsh), you have put yourself in this position and thus it is up to you to change it. Don’t just stop doing things cold turkey, phase them out. Don’t always be the first to volunteer and let others pick up the slack.

Good luck!

Post # 6
401 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

be true to who you are..dont try to impress others–in life u have satisfy yourself.

Post # 8
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I have the same problem with my SO’s family. Unfortunately, it’s part of the reason we moved 400 miles away – my FH and I were both tired of being taken advantage of at his house. We needed them to realize what life is like without us around.

On a positive note, they come to visit us all the time and his mom calls us at least once a week.

While it may seem rough now, it will be well worth it in the end. You ARE appreciated, even if they’re not vocal about it or show it. And one day when you have a place of your own, they’ll realize it even more.

I found that when I was able to just accept that this was who I am, and that I like cleaning and cooking, I stopped worrying about it. If you don’t feel like it, don’t. It will get done eventually, by the people who own the house.

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